Eeblesonkday

“Meeble Chrisonksmas kids!”

~ Sonka Claus on the 25th of Salmonosemoosetember

“Eebleeeblesonk sonk sonk 404 prhubub eeble elbee sonk nose the sonk phrubub cheese nosey moosey salmon cheese sonk.”

~ The Cling-on translation for love

Eeblesonksday is a festive holiday, celebrated in honour of the birth of the Salmon Moose, a legendary creature that was born to a virgin salmon in a stream just outside of Bethlehem. Because salmon conceive by spreading their sperm and eggs in the water, rather than through copulation, the virgin parenthood aspect had little real significance. The antlers did however. Whether it was through divine intervention or the nuclear waste being dumped into the river at regular intervals this salmon was special. It swam its way through rivers world wide, proclaiming it's message of phrubub and nose cheese, winning convents and bears the world over. His devoted fanbase conceived the idea of Eeblesonkday at the Salmon Moose's funeral, after the impracticalities of swimming with antlers finally took it's toll on him shortly before the mating season.

Customs

During the build-up to Eeblesonkday followers prepare their home for the event by putting up all manner of zany decorations, as well as forcing previously captured polar bears to drink Coca Cola, a natural laxative to their species. The night before Eeblsonkday parents will tuck up their young'ins and attempt to scare them into being good by telling stories of how the salmonmoose gives presents to well behaved children, and that hs helper Eric, a lorry driver from Surrey, will molest not-so-behaved children with a wet fish. Generally this is stopped when the children are old enough to question the Salmon moose's existance, or fight off Eric's lustful advances.

The day itself is unremarkable, with no customs in place whatsoever. Research into the folk origins of this bizarre tradition reveal that this is probably because the early mooselims were trying to avoid a lawsuit from the Christians.

Foreground

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