Electric Air Sousaphone

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The Electric Air Sousaphone is one of the foremost instruments of the orchestra. It can hold 8 gallons of beer at any one time in its bell, far more than the conventional sousaphone, which makes the players of the instrument by far the most popular musicians in a conventional orchestra.

Timeline

• 1456BC Blueprints of Electric Air Sousaphone made by Captain Jack Sparrow.
• 1456BC-1800AD Nobody can be arsed to make one because sex is readily available anyway.
• 1800AD Professor Subtle becomes World Leader and bans sex and alcohol in the musical world. Electric Air Sousaphones go into production.
• 1801AD Professor Subtle is killed by Captain Obvious and the Electric Air Sousaphone is once again abandoned.
• 2000AD Dr McNinja turns up with one as a joke to the New Year's Eve Musician's Union party. They become a great hit among everyone and sales boom.
• 2007AD The Electric Air Sousaphone is perfected by John Flick.
• 3457AD The whole of the London Symphony Orchestra simultaneously dies of Chlamydia.

General information

A little known fact about the Electric Air Sousaphone is that its mouthpiece makes the most comfortable condom known to man, being made of air. Its range is from extremely low C to very high P; in fact, pretty much every note known to man so long as the player is good at falsetto. It is powered by electricity and requires a 6 foot tall, toilet-shaped amp made of green knee-high hockey socks.

Electric Air Sousaphones have been known to eat people on occasion, especially conductors. The conductor's wavy stick thing is way too much temptation for it; the annoying baton doesn't help matters, either. Other instruments that often eat people are pianos, which prefer music teachers on the whole.

Place in the Orchestra

All Electric Air Sousaphone players are situated between the violas and the brass section. This is so they can have sex with the maximum amount of people, and so the maximum amount of people can enjoy the free alcohol. Aren't they sweet?

Little known facts

• All Electric Air Sousaphone players have 10.51" cocks with metric conversion.
• 90% of Electric Air Sousaphone players are also players of other brass instruments. This is so they can go and fuck themselves when the Cellists tell them to after the third attempt of asking one of them out.
• The remaining 10% of Electric Air Sousaphone players are gay female Viola players.
• Players are 100% more likely than any other instrument to be obsessed with Doctor Who.
• They are usually the 3rd sexiest musicians in the Orchestra, after cello players and of course, flautists.
• 1 in 5 Electric Air Sousaphone Players are secretly in love with André Breton.
• All Electric Air Sousaphone Players have an ASBO just for playing the Electric Air Sousaphone.

Famous Electric Air Sousaphone players

• Al Bundy
• Opus
• The Amazing Bubba
• Flik
• Small ginger kittens
• That weird guy from A Clockwork Orange
• Basically anyone who has an ASBO
• Kevin Federline
• Your Mum

Famous composers for the Electric Air Sousaphone

• Tchaikovsky
• Nestle
• You
• Jello
• Mennan
• Give 'Em All A Little Pat of Butter

People Eating

The following Electric Air Sousaphones are known to eat people, and huff kittens far too much.

• St Jimmy, owned by Yoyo man
• Socky, owned by André Breton
• Suzie, owned by Flik
• Frederick the 13th, owned by Owen
• Grue, owned by a Grue

If you see, hear, smell or kick any of these instruments (or people), dial 999 or run like the blazes.
Alternatively, let yourself be eaten. You won't see them coming anyway seeing as all are Ninjas

Musical instruments

	Brass	Sousaphone (Electric Air) • Tuba
	Keyboards	Piano (-phone)
	Percussion	Bongos • Drums • Triangle (Electric)
	Strings	Banjos • Guitar (Grandpa's; Type-)
	Woodwinds	Clarinet • Flute • Harmonicas (Self-)
	Miscellaneous	Banana (Flying microtonal) • Feghaly