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A typical flute; as we speak it confuses someone in the world.

The flute is a musical instrument that is categorized under the Woodwind class of instruments. The flute is known for being the absolutely hardest instrument to play of all time. If you think any instrument is hard to play, the flute is at least 6x harder to play than that instrument, unless, of course, that instrument is the triangle, which is the second hardest instrument to play. The flute can only be played by people who are either complete musical geniuses or someone that is on drugs.

Creation and History[edit | edit source]

The flute was created by someone in the 1700's. I can't place his name exactly, and you can credit that to the ill-informing Wikipedia, but one thing I know for sure is that this guy was definitely a genius. Either that or he was totally high. I mean, who else would get a piece of pipe, put some holes and buttons on it, and then blow into it to make music? Like I said, this guy was either totally buzzed or knew what he was doing the whole time. Or both. Anyhow, it's original purpose was a plunger, but many plumbers realized it was not as good as the advertisements[1] made it out to be, and returned it.

Use as an Instrument[edit | edit source]

After realizing that the flute could not be used as an effective plunger, the creator realized that it could in fact be used to create very high-pitched, annoying sounds called "music". But, he also realized that his invention should only be for the "gifted" music players, so he decided to make as hard to play as humanly possible, even harder than an Accordion or Trombone. To do this, he decided to add as many odd, broken, and mixed-up keys as he possibly could on the two foot long piece of metal. By doing this, he ensured that no one short of God could manage to play with the instrument with success, which ultimately led to the institutionalization of the creator.

Properties[edit | edit source]

This is not what a normal flute looks like, but it is what the person sees when they look at it.

The flute has several defining characteristics and properties that keeps it identifiable from other instruments. Just kidding. Unless you have a very keen sense of instruments or have super vision, you would think that flutes, clarinets, and oboes are all exactly the same if looked at them. However, the flute has other properties that do define it it, besides visual interpretation.

Group[edit | edit source]

The flute is a member of the Woodwind group of instruments. This, however, makes absolutely no sense whatsoever; the flute is made of some sort of metal, not wood. For this reason, I believe that flutes should go under their own class of instruments, the metalwinds. However, the Eternal Board of Music Classes has already denied this offer twice, so it's not worth another try.

Design[edit | edit source]

A flute consists of anywhere between 16-36 keys that control the pitch, tune, and musical notation of the flute. All of the keys are randomly placed, unlike the piano, which has all of the keys in an organized manner to ease the playing of itself. Depending on who made the flute, the A# key may be the 3rd, 17th, or even 45th key on the flute, just to make the person who attempts to use even more frustrated than before. This design was originally used by the initial creator, but other, more psychotic musicians further mixed up the design, making the flute nearly impossible to look at, much less play it with some sort of pleasant result. This design was soon patented, so no other human being could create an instrument harder to play than the flute.

The flute ranges anywhere from 2-3 feet long[2], which allows many possibilities regarding the organization of the keys. The longer it is, the more room the flute has to have the keys scrambled and mixed on the pipe.

How To Play the Flute[edit | edit source]

The flute has a unique process of playing. In order to play it, you will have to press anywhere from 2-22 random keys at any given time, or, in some musical "masterpieces", all of the keys simultaneously. The flute is held with two hands, along with one end crammed into the player's mouth. The player blows into the flute, attempts to make some sort of melodic noise by pressing random keys, and usually, unless the player is God, throws the flute into the rubbish bin and storms away in an uncontrollable tantrum. However, if the person is God, a pleasant melody is produced, and everyone in the room enjoys the music.

Famous Flute Compositions[edit | edit source]

Here is an excerpt from Ultralong Difficult Flute Composition.

The flutes, despite being successfully played only once, still have a series of songs composed to be played specifically by the flute. Many of the compositions were written in an nearly unreadable form, making the process of playing the flute impossible, even to God.

Some famous compositions include:

  • Ultralong Difficult Flute Composition - This composition was written in 1856 by a mad hatter who had a strange obsession of flutes. The composition was scribbled on several hundred napkins at a bar, and the man submitted his new song for publication. It succeeded in being publicized, but no one except one man has dared play it since it was created, due to it's illegibility and utter over-complication. The man was never the same[3].
  • Dangerously Complicated Work - This song was written by none other than that guy, despite dead for nearly two decades. He wrote this even before the flute was invented, almost as though he had the ability to see the future. The entire composition required nearly two hundred pieces of paper to complete, and, when completed, made many readers go insane, even though they had not even attempted to play the song. The one person who has attempted to play it had his head explode.
  • Mary Had Little Lamb - Originally made for the flute, this now popularized song is known for it's simplicity. However, despite being one of the most simple songs in history, it is still near-impossible to play on the flute.

These compositions are in fact the only known songs made for the flute. Everyone who has attempted to write a song for the flute eventually tried to play it, which resulted in terrible consequences[4]. Bless their souls.

Notable Players of the Flute[edit | edit source]


Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. Made with pitchman Billy Mays and catchy lines such as "Blow your toilet problems away with the Plunge Flute!"
  2. Mild sexual innuendo.
  3. He became a schizophrenic.
  4. Cancer, Stroke, death, and, in some cases, a sore throat.

See Also[edit | edit source]