HowTo:Be Reverend Zim_ulator
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“I'll hit myself so hard, I'll kill my whole family.”
BEING Reverend Zim_ulator requires a strong commitment of time and resources. It is not to be undertaken lightly by the faint of heart. I see you fairies, floating around back there with your light loafers. Sorry, boys, but being Reverend Zim_ulator is so way cooler than being gay can ever be. No rednecks either, especially my cousin from Albuquerque... that dick... haven't seen him in over 40 years and I still hate him.
Why?[edit | edit source]
Why would anybody want to be Reverend Zim_ulator, you might ask? For one thing, you would carry a gene that makes it possible to get wrecked snorting cinnamon. In fact, most of your maintenance costs would be very low. For instance, did you know that zim_ulators employ rice as 92% of their diets?
“Being Reverend Zim_ulator freed me to invent a device to commune with those souls who have passed over. It doesn't work”
Another factor to consider, a zim_ulator can zim_ulate many ontological permutations. By communing with the internets using the laptop, you would be able to subtly influence the dark forces to your advantage.
“I think I'll remain a Scot, thank you.”
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This article is complete, irredeemable blarmey. The submitter is Bat Fuck Insane, attends at the spine, and is an unfunny douchehorse. If you attempt to fluffalize this, you will most likely go Bat Fuck Insane yourself. Or the submitter will scroo your mum!!!!!! |
Materials[edit | edit source]
Gather your materials and put them in a brine solution for 18 minutes. Wear a respirator when handling hyenas.
- Hyenas. Lots of them.
- 6 delicious Boot Mill sandwiches.
- Inability to write a featured article.
- Slime mold.
- Fiberglass.
- Flash drive, 1 Gigabyte or more.
- A demon.
- Jet ski once owned by Dr. Phil.
- Pending litigation.
- Inappropriate laughter.
- A Stephen King novel written under the pseudonym "Fescue Wad".
Assembly[edit | edit source]
“He called me a dick! I heard him!”
Insert things into one another until gelled. Hit repeatedly with hibachi until arms are tired. Hang yourself upside down at the nearest Wal*Mart.
“Corey Feldman assembled me once.”
Irritants[edit | edit source]
This article is just one of many
from the depths of Illogicopedia's Mass Cheese Reserves.
See more guides at WikiHowl.
Several common household products are irritating to Reverend Zim_ulator, and can cause itching, flaking, scaling, garbled breath and euphoric malaise. Be sure to apply pregnant otters liberally when needed.
“There are many ways to peel a fish, none of them pleasant.”
- DNA.
- Dick Van Dyke.
- Propellers.
- Ilk.
Push "press" to pull[edit | edit source]
Grasp firmly the prehensile ON/OFF switch. Place your right foot on the large red button on the floor labeled "Press". When alarm sounds, push "press" to pull. Act nonchalantly, as though the cacophony of ganders being electrocuted would scarcely raise an eyebrow.
“I pushed "press" to pull once.”
Once the Fortran mechanism is warm, begin.
“Release the howler monkeys!”
“Defenestrate is such a cool word.”
Reverend Zim_ulator fatigue[edit | edit source]
By now, you're tired of being Reverend Zim_ulator. Everybody is. Accept this and move on. To alleviate symptoms, prepare and ingest 80 to 120 Morning Glory seeds.
“I'm just sick to death of it! Wait, what are we talking about?”
Pull "pull" to press[edit | edit source]
Set aperture to desired frothiness and extract tuning spoon from innermost quadrant. Pull "pull" to press.
“They all float down here.”
“Consider your options carefully, young Skywalker.”
The day after[edit | edit source]
Now you're dead. Rotate 86 degrees.
“This is all very well, but where's the beef?”
You will need to wean yourself off the medications. Don't go back to work or school right away. The disorientation may be debilitating. There are nuns praying for you.
“I'm just here to play the saxophone. I didn't see nothing.”
That's bacon in your omelet.