Teschen

Teschen is a small German territory and former province located in northern Australasia. Historically, it existed successively as a village, a duchy, a county, an Imperial electorate, a despotate, a potentate, and a potato. In its most recent incarnation, this region has existed as a senatorial acorn under the direct control of the German Chancellor Herr Gottfried Donaudampfschiffahrtselektrizitätenhauptbetriebswerkbauunterbeamtengesellschaft. Under Donaudampfschiffahrtselektrizitätenhauptbetriebswerkbauunterbeamtengesellschaft's leadership, an organization of free merchants has risen to prominence as a de facto governing body, and it is this organization that provides a stable social framework in Teschen today.

History

The historical records of Teschen, though incomplete, nevertheless provide much invaluable information about the territory, detailing its rise from obscurity to acornhood.

Prehistory

Teschen was famously the site of numerous important archaeological discoveries during its despotic period (443-476 QSE) as well as intermittent discoveries during its existence as an electorate, which preceded this. These finds revealed that Teschen was the site of a complex ecosystem during the Early Aeogardian Epoch, when hominids first arrived in the area.

These first hominids are likely to have been closely related to the Paranthropus boisei line of hominids, as evidenced by cranial fragments pieced together by famous palaeontologist Asgard A. Epsilon. However, unlike other paranthropoids, and, indeed, unlike any other known mammals, these hominids seem to have had a developing secondary brain near the base of the spinal cord, an evolutionary development that seemingly served no purpose. Attempts to explain this second brain have yielded few conclusive answers, and the scientific community seems to have reached a consensus that these brains were inserted by robots, because, as A. A. Epsilon famously said, "nothing else makes any mrifkhing sense either."

Due to the larger encephalization quotient this secondary brain provided, it is believed that these early hominids were more intelligent than other paranthropoids and perhaps even more intelligent than modern humans (i.e. Homo sapiens sapiens), though it is evident that their civilization never achieved a level of technology beyond bronzeworking and quantum computers. Several cave paintings of oxen and other draft animals, in addition to broken tools and advanced spacecraft, were found near their remains, and it is likely that these sites and objects served shamanistic ritual functions. It is uncertain how or when these hominids left what is now Teschen, but their cultural detritus seems to have vanished from the archaeological record c. -1857000 QSE. The most recent artifacts appear to be prototypical vehicles programmed with an astonishingly complete and accurate array of navigational codes and galactic coordinates, as well as numerous notes reading "We intend to use these vehicles to depart from this planet." The intended purpose of these vehicles is unclear from this scant evidence, however, and so scientists have been forced to conclude that the craft was probably only ceremonial and never intended to actually be flown.

Felid control

This culture was replaced by Homo sapiens sapiens when the latter species paraded through the area c. -921000 QSE as the enslaved vanguard of the infamous Felid Army. The entire region was nominally placed under the control of the Felid Empire and considered a part of the Western Imperial Slavelands, which essentially consisted of a series of farmlands granted by the Felids to the enslaved human species to farm in exchange for most of the food generated on the farms. Despite this claim, however, the Felid Army itself never followed the human vanguard to establish proper control of the region, and, as the Felid Empire would subsequently collapse from a series of internal rebellions near its core lands, the Western Imperial Slavelands grew to become a loose federation of independent farming communities.

Continuing prehistory

As the Felid civilization crumbled from an open government into a secret organization of manipulators and puppeteers, its former territories lost virtually all literacy and organization even as they gained their freedom. Thus, they entered a second prehistoric period, during which robotic dinosaurs became the primary tool of choice among humans. These dinosaurs were used by numerous tribes and communities to hasten each others' destruction so as to obtain each others' robotic dinosaurs. This led to the extinction of a majority of human life in the area; however, the dinosaurs themselves eventually became bored with the situation and decided to become highwaymen and pirates instead. Thus, the greatest known possible menace to humanity became a reality, and the first robotic dinosaur pirates were born.

Faced with such a threat, the humans of what was to become Teschen banded together into one large ditch-digging force and built the largest ditch in world history in a circle around themselves, using it as a garbage pit whilst they attempted to figure out what to do. It is from the artifacts in what was once this ditch that much of our knowledge of the time is derived. Ultimately, their plans were cut short when the dinosaurs realized they no longer served a purpose in this incoherent plotline and buried themselves underground until they would be needed again.

Foundation of Teschen

This left the humans of the Teschen area trapped behind their own ditch; it had taken 7000 years to dig the ditch, and it would take 7000 more to fill it in again. While this process began, a small village was founded within the ditch to house the human population of the area c. -11318 QSE. This village was given the name of Reszelcaelost-um-'Tawagostil Maeulogvot-Hoszosratth nesz-Sohchuil, but this name was rather fortunately promptly forgotten and replaced with Cieszyn. This, in turn, was promptly Germanized as Teschen. These names were all derived from various names of Teschen, god of forgetfulness and Germanization, which could explain certain aspects of the naming process.

Village period

A makeshift government was organized, with the priests of the Szachtathian religion forming the inchoate aristocracy, and all projects that were not necessary for survival or for the support of the priests were indefinitely suspended in favor of first filling in the ditch. This left the village in a state of near-nonexistence until c. -4392 QSE.