The dog is out, the door is open, the heat is off

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Chisel Nuts. The Baxter boys were back in town, chewing their own feet off, as usual. Roberto was flabbergasted. The fillings were variously betel, whoopie cushions, caramel, indigenous hemp rope and wavy gravy. The girl is always supposed to sing in a higher register than the boy. That's just the way it's done.

On other fronts and left sides, permissive weasels came out in droves, waiting for their turn in the barrel. Permanent fixations on hybrid vehicles impelled a major shift to the soylent green factories. None was to be had.

That's right, this is adulthood, asshole.

To Hell with New Year's resolutions. Just wanted to get that out there, lest there be any confusion. Like many eyrie or nu Mou foibles, the fad of half-promising yourself to quit this or do more of that, in a vague pathetic effort to motivate yourself to magically become a "better" person this year. The leprechaun in me is amused, but the transhumanist in me wants to violently murder some people. Like this moronic woman who claims to know that vaccinating children can cause them to become autistic.

Here's the big hint, for those of you idiots who might still be reading; we're all bozos on this bus.

This was the inducement to write yet another sentence. Theists may prefer to think of it as divine inspiritation[1], prattle attle as they are wont to want, the crux of the biscuit is the apostrophe. No fooling around here. That little pearl from Frank Zappa brings to mind the gentle ministrations of Agnes the Repugnant.

The dog is out...[edit]

I needes me one of dem signs. (Still, the author overuses ellipses. Register your protest at This place.) So, by this, I mean that I Frunobulax has asked to go out for poopies and/or piddles. I have left the back door open, because she yells a lot, and since I don't want to heat the whole planet, I have shut off the thermostat.

This never resulted in a visit to a chiropractor. Good thing, too, considering how I feel about charlatans. Once this long-haired rodent smuggler served Swiss steak to his beau, with mixed results. His tie and shoes matched perfectly, he knew which spoon to use for pickles, he had electronic saddle shoes and fouRty three sugary bullets.

That Was One Of Mine[edit]

The man with the blue beret said it again, more slowly this time, "That was one of mine."

I had no idea what he was talking about, this stout, grimacing little man. He seemed to grunt with limited intelligibility rather than so much as speak. His gaze worked its way toward the television behind a nondescript oak bar, in a nondescript part of some nondescript American city. There was a busty blonde whose eyes seemed vacant, preaching to a crowd sheeple on the dangers of vaccinating children against deadly diseases.

At first, everybody was enthusiastic about upgrading from a room with a moose to a moose in a pool. In retrospect, using a kiddie pool to cut costs was a terrible idea.

Yes, see, this woman in Patterns noticed a cluster of increasing stupidity developing at certain key spots, and that there was always a spike of interest after Jhrony McDoogle spoke publicly about child care and rearing. It was easy to exploit her to believe that vaccinations caused her daughters autism, thereby dooming many of their offspring to distraction.

Oobergoober[edit]

Frunobulax is an ample appellation container, hosting such members as Snowflake, Snow, Snowy, Goofy, Muttface, Baby Girl, Puppyhead (as in "she's the Mummyheads and the Daddyheads Puppyhead"), Psycho Puppy (qu’est-ce que c’est?), Smiley and Alberta Einstein. As a doggie with suspicious motives, Laxxie practices her particularly evil form of anthropomancy[2] on us, Mummy and Daddy, her "owners".

With a fascination for the dated intralingual prefix "Über", it seemed natural to us at the time to affix the prefix with "goober", thereby concretizing the concept of heightened resemblance to the penultimatimacy of peanuthood as a valid path to enlightenment, and sometimes,money.

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What is the Tao of Tau, and can I smoke it?[edit]

The Way of Tau. What can be said, that which has not been said? Quite a bit, in fact. One night, long ago and far away (or close by, if you're in Asia), I drank shots of Galliano with Jesus Christ after ingesting psilocybin mushrooms. The Lord did not share secrets of the cosmos, or anything, like maybe you'd expect. Mostly we talked about the music of Frank Zappa, dogs, hat tricks and the perfect pickle. It turns out He prefers sweet pickles.

Something[edit]

Leaders of the major world religions based on a messiah called Lenny called for a fatwah against Iranian cartoonist and political satirist Farzhad Dereyāmeyemonpāhini[3]. Sometimes called "power bottom Jesus", in dark secluded corners of rooms of disreputable establishments, where things happen that we don't talk about[4]. Irregardless of matching socks, the show must go on.

Notes and Drivel[edit]

  1. Inspiritation is another of those words I invented, probably under the influence of my wifes nagging. The first definition is the act of infusing a sentient being with foreknowledge incorrectly attributed to God as source. In fact, divine wisdom is generated by instantiating a 5.59K schmnoonkle field in a coiled brace of salami tendons.
  2. A horrible melding of anthropology and dark magical practice. Most practitioners are dogs and cats, ostensibly house pets. As such, they are in an ideal position to wreak their mystical power lust upon the most trusting and innocent among us; pet owners. Particularly vulnerable are those who rescue animals that otherwise may have suffered a crewel fate. These suckers are emotional basket cases who need seemingly hapless, less intelligent animals to depend on their good will for their existence.
  3. Etymology of the name "Dereyāmeyemonpāhini" is Farsi dereyā = sea
    meyemon = monkey
    pā = foot
  4. Naturally, this also applies to fight club.