IllogiNews:Death is imminent, one study shows
This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.
May 27, 2010 Princeton, New Jersey, U.S.A.
A new study by top scientist at the medical lab at Princeton University have numerous amounts of data that suggests, that we will all die some day. The study was over the span of 150 years, where all 100 test subjects died at some point. The facility says they will be getting more subjects to verify their findings. They are looking for volunteers. One scientists told me to say, "If you're willing to stay in a completely white cell for the rest of your life, this is the place for you!" Many scientists apposing this theory state that they "didn't have enough subjects" and "what about vampires?" The Princeton scientists didn't comment on the first argument but on the second they said, "That is a demographic we didn't account for in our original experiment but will be included in our next." Many philosophers before Christ had similar theories to this, some in fact stating these exact words. Many local businesses have been taking advantage of these findings. One such business, The STD Factory, a whorehouse, has made billboards stating, "You'll die eventually. Why not get laid now?" Though some are taking advantage, the local Hindu population has connected the dots and realized the theory is de-crediting their religion. A local convenient store owner was quoted of saying, "You don't die. You become something else. See this banana? This is my uncle Rajesh. He was a bad, bad man."