Top Ten Places to Die

From Illogicopedia's Top Ten collection. Where opinion is fact.

So you want to die, or you need to die because of some bad dealings with Russian mobsters, but you don't know where to do it because as many a real estate agent has said, "Location. Location. Location." Location is everything when it comes to dying. Have you ever wondered why people are insistent to point out when someone dies surrounded by their family? That's a pretty good spot, but not as good as some others you'll see.

10. In Bed, Surrounded by your Family

Let's say you lack any sort of style or class. Fine, I can work with that. In that case, you should probably die privately with your closest family and friends. Other features of this absolute snoozefest include nice flowers, tearful goodbyes, and maybe balloons from your younger relative who doesn't quite understand the severity of the situation. Benefits of this death location is that it's "sweet," "comforting," and "inconspicuous." Drawbacks are, as I've already stated, that it's boring as heck. Seriously. A blind man with only white clothing has more style than that death.

9. On the Toilet

Before you tell me how disgusting this is, think about it. Is it going to be disgusting for you? No. You're just going to be taking a shit as always. Of course, it is going to be disgusting for whatever unlucky loved one has the misfortune of discovering you deceased just inches above your own feces, but that person is not you. And if you're worried about other people reacting poorly to your death, you probably shouldn't be choosing the place you're going to die for any gain whatsoever. Also, Elvis died on the toilet, so you have that going for you.

8. In Reaction to a Joke

Everyone loves comedy, and everyone loves to laugh. Very few friendly conversations take place without a few jokes and jests that get the ribs tickled. For this death, choose a friend who you want to anoint as the funniest man in the world. Then, wait for him or her to make his or her biggest joke, laugh, and then die. From then on in his or her life, he or she will be "that guy who killed someone from laughter." At first, they'll be sad, but then, they'll be legendary. Sure, you gain nothing from this tangibly, but doesn't it feel great to wield that power in your hands?

7. At the World Cup

The greatness of a place to die is often measured by the spectacle, or audience of the death. Therefore, why not die in front of the world at the world's game? The World Cup is a great place to die, especially if you time it correctly. Die right after your nation is eliminated from the tournament, and now pundits are talking about the ramifications of such a competitive event for months. Your name is all over the place as a name of super fandom. Some crazy Brazilians might paint themselves green and yellow, but you died when your team lost. You shouldn't be proud of that, but you can be.

6. After Doing Something Bad to the Government/Big Corporation

Everyone loves being talked about, so why not you? You can have thousands of acne-ridden teenagers chanting your name from message board to message board as long as they think you were killed in some elaborate coverup. All you need to do is "report" some nefarious actions by the government or big corporation. They don't even need to be true. As long as you make a case for them to be true, it'll be fine. Then, you make your suicide look fishy, and everyone is convinced the group you targeted assassinated you, and you are now on the front page of Reddit.

5. In a Wax Museum

Scaring people is always fun, and there's no better way to do it than to convince them that your dead body is actually made of wax. The most difficult part of this one is getting your decomposing body to stand up, but I'll leave that for you to figure out. Once you're in position, wait for hours or even days as people pass you expecting you to be fake, at least until you smell too bad to ignore.

4. In the Middle of a TED Talk

There always lies an air of mystery surrounding death. Now, rather than make your last word the name of your childhood sled, make it something more exciting and more important. Everyone who loves intellectual superiority loves TED talks, so you should have no trouble getting an audience for one. Announce that you'll be discussing some major breakthrough in an important, albeit impossible, endeavor. Maybe say that you've truly invented a perpetual motion machine or something. Then, just as you're about to explain how it works, die. Of course, you won't have actually invented a perpetual motion machine, but people will search for years for proof that you did. Make sure you delete all of your embarrassing porn off of your computer before doing this; or not, if you're into that sort of thing.

3. As Part of a Human Sacrifice

They say all death is pointless or senseless or other garbage statements. Sure, most deaths are pointless, but yours doesn't have to be. Human sacrifices are important to so many cultures that the least you could do is volunteer and do your part. Without able and willing victims, too many civilizations will be deprived of the community event of sacrificing a human being for the pleasure of a god. And who knows? This might actually pleasure a god, and you'll be taken care of in the afterlife. It's a win-win.

2. On the Moon

Originality is the most important part of any idea. One of the few places humans have ever reached where no one has died is the Moon. Sure, we haven't been there since 1972, but this is worth getting the space program up and running for. Somehow con your way into being an astronaut (or earn it, but who has time for that?), and get put on the Apollo 18 shuttle, or whatever they'll call it. Make sure everything seems normal for everyone else, go to the moon, step out, and take off your helmet. Your obituary will only say "He/she died on the moon," and that's all it will need to say.

1. At a Toddler's Birthday Party

No better time to teach little Timmy about life then to show him the end result. Sure, the parents had wished it been a goldfish or puppy to teach him the unflinching reality of mortality, but who else was going to liven up the party with a sweet dive from the roof to the pool? So ignore the naysayers that point out the fact it doesn't go deeper than 6 feet and find someone to hold your beer: Uncle Jake's about to bust out a good one.