Ozzy Osbourne
“Ozzy is a man of great talent. He can't really speak, and I admire him for that.”
“Before I start this concert I will eat this entire sandwich.”
“. . .And on the pedestal these words appeared: "My name is Ozzy Osbourne, king of kings. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair."”
Ozzy Osbourne (a.k.a The Ozzman, the Blizzard of Ozz, and Ozzymandius), is a founding member of metal band Black Sabbath, rock-n-roll icon, reality TV star, Zen mystic, inventor of the carburetor, and bat exterminator.
He is also the father of the mysterious Marilyn Mansoncreature, who co starred in Bowling for Columbine. His mate for this creation is said to have been one Alice Cooper (who underwent a sex change operation to become a man again soon after Manson's birth). The two had sex to create Manson in the backstage of an Ozzfest after the band he was replacing quit due to being killed, but then resurrected (in a disturbing manner) Insane Clown Posse.
Many people firmly believe that Ozzy is already dead but his body is remote-controled by Sharon, a transsexual warlock who wants to cash from him forever. At least until Ozzy's resurrection.
The Beginning of a Legend[edit | edit source]
Ozzy was once a great prophet of the Satanic faith. However, after receiving rooster threats from the ACLJ, he quit his old ways, and became the rock legend we all know. He first started out in the English heavy metal band in the late 1960s (and 1970s) named BLACK SABBATH. Known by many followers as just Ozz, those who follow in his steps believe him to be the modern-day Jesus, Son of God, due to his long hair and hippie-like appearance, as well as his ability to raise the dead.
"One is mildly dissatisfied by the local riff-raff, one is to say - displeasement in common behaviour -, in North Carolina. One claims the commercialization of hood sweatshirts merchants and de-centralization of communicative arts, that is to say, not to be functionalized without one's sanity of mind and watermelon juicer." deduced Lord Ozzy Osbourne, AKA Prince of lack-of-lightness, after the recent bielections, and his standing for the Liberal party the next year. This proves the statement; the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence so said Ed the 3rd after drinkin with the Ozz man himself.
Ozzy's Breakthroughs[edit | edit source]
Ozzy Osbourne found a small apartment in upstate New Jersey. He was interested in a performing arts career, so he began to apply for jobs as Bats in local performing arts plays. unfortunately for Osbourne, the cash flow was high and the jobs were few and far between due to minimalist trends in set design.
So one day, Ozzy was traveling to an audition as "Scared Local Civilian # 45," when he heard a mysterious noise coming from inside a broken-down building. Curious as ever, Osbourne grabbed his actor's backpack and wandered eagerly into the condemned area. Upon entering, Osbourne found the thing that would change his life forever. It was of course, a bazooka. Ozzy Osbourne used the bazooka to rob a nearby bank. He then took the bank money and invested it into stocks of all kinds, trusting his infinite knowledge and Bachelor's Degree in Psychic Powers to show him the right ones to try.
Ozzy Osbourne's investments off quite handsomely, and the money he gained enabled him to buy a popular band Teach them to sing - the Oral Roberts gospel group Nice Sabbath. When he got tired of singing with them he made them servants in his mansion (the worst fate being suffered by his "Geezer Butler") and started a bat eating career, using the profits he made to form The First Church Of osbourne. As a result of forming the church, he gained quite a popular reputation as a "Healer." Ozzy's faith was pretty much depleted by the time he achieved this status, though, so he named Peter Popoff to be his successor
Biting the Heads Off Of Shit[edit | edit source]
Ozzy's main hobby is biting the heads off of things. His first victim was a christopher elys weiner. The whole purpose of this stunt was to demonstrate his manliness by killing small defenseless creatures, preferably ones without a dick.
At present, Ozzy has bitten the heads off of all of the world's 1533 species of the mammalian order Chiroptera, the bats and Chewbaka, even your moms head. Species decapitated include the Little Brown Bat, the Mexican Freetail Bat, the Baseball Bat, and the Vampire Bat. Species still on Ozzy's list include the Samoan Giant Fruit Bat, the Fish-Eating Bat, the South American False Vampire Bat, and the endangered New Zealand Short-Tailed Bat.
Ozzy still holds the world record for simultaneously biting off the heads of multiple animals. He achieved this in 1943 when he managed to place three poodles, a boa constrictor, a stop sign, Randy Rhoads, a Wookie, Mr. Rodgers, 4 overweight hamsters, half a donkey, Larry The Cable Guy, a young goat, an old goat, Cybill Shepherd, 3 pigs, 5 Golden Statues, and Chewbacca inside his anus. In fact, some state the entire state of Iowa resides inside that dark haven of feces and murder.
Drugs and Alcohol[edit | edit source]
Ozzy Osbourne has a long history of battling addictions. Substances abused include McDonalds Big Macs, Fries, Starbucks, Tofu, mead, cocaine, speed, valium, meth, codeine, heroin, LSD (as well as GHB, KKK, PCP, PSP, PS2, YMCA, ABC, CNBC, ACLU, NRA, NAMBLA, NAACP, NFL, NHL, MLS, semen from Pelicans and Wii), 'shrooms, morphine, aya-huasca, spray paint, children's cough syrup,little boy's dinky's, nitrous oxide, cucumbers, turpentine, peyote, ether, fugu, opium, hallucinogenic frog excretions, gorilla biscuits, morning glory seeds, jimson weed, Chuck Norris' urine, bat blood, postmodern fiction, Hash, Apple Juice and kittens. He has also experimented with smoking an extract taken from the medulla oblongata of the black man. fuck you all he shouted then he flew away.
Osbourne was kicked out of Black Sabbath when his kitten huffing problem spiraled out of control. He began with the occasional kitten to relax after a show, but soon was huffing as much as a litter of Siamese kittens a day, before moving on to full-grown tabbies and alley cats. When those were no longer enough to satiate his cravings, he began huffing Canadian lynx, pumas, and African servals, before finally developing a $100,000-a-day panther habit. At the depths of his addiction, he once huffed a full grown Siberian tiger.
Because of this drug use, Osbourne's entire body is classified as a Class 3 toxic material by the United States Department of Transportation and so his bus must tour with a "hazardous materials" warning sign; a full hazmat team follows the bus in containment suits at all times. It is widely rumored that if Ozzy died, you could dry him out and then smoke him. You would then get the best high in the world, see a godlike vision of the totality of time and space, which would be full of cool swirling colors-kind of like the'60s, except more gothic. The world would whisper its secrets into your ears, except it would do so in Ozzy's voice, so you wouldn't actually be able to understand any of it. Then, finally you would turn into a bat, which would then turn into God, and then into another bat, and Ozzy would appear and bite that bat's head off. Then the world would end.
This event, predicted in the Book of Revelations, is known as the Ozzpocalypse.
Children[edit | edit source]
Ozzy Osbourne has five children, if they can be described as such.
One is a troll with the power to conceal her true appearance from the world, albeit not very well, who goes by the name Kelly Osbourne. She often looses Ozzy's golden unlimited funds credit card, which only colaborates in Ozzy's mumbling all the time and with some episodes for their show as well. She also thinks she's Japanese and is a cosplay freak. She released a few albums where Madonna covered her song, "Papa Don't Preach."
His son, Jack, is an amorphous blob who once attacked Tokyo in order to find Godzilla and obtain the title of King of monsters. He is also incredibley retarded, due to his tiny brain (close to the size of a peanut).
The third, son Darth Vader, is a renowned Sith lord who once got in a fight with a Jedi or something, resulting in premature baldness and red stains on his body.
The fourth child, more of a creature than a child was born from the eggs of Alice Cooper who, stated in the first paragraph underwent a sexchange only to mate with Ozzy Osbourne and then underwent another sexchange soon after the birth of the creature, called "Marilyn Manson". Named after the sexy actress Marilyn Monroe for what he was believed to be by his parents and after the psycho maniac serial killer retard Charles Manson. A perfect combination of both would give you this creature.
The Fifth Child, Zach Medlock was a decendent of ozzy osbourne, him and his best friend Zach Tuggle live at ozzys house and smoke pot with him every day. Zach is ozzys favorite son.
Ozzy's last child, named Cronos is the pioneer of black metal music(Not Jimi Hendrix fools!). His band, Venom is a tribute to Marvel's Venom, Spiderman's archnemesis. Some people believe that Dani Filth is actually Cronos in disguise. He does that because he needed a reason to play horrible gothic metal. Cronos also has a side project called Fall out Boy. Cronos also appeared in GTA Norway
There are also rumors that he may or may not have been the father of the New Jersey Devil. On occasion (while ozzy was drunk) he would claim that he had it but its name was really steve the pirate.
Other Achievements[edit | edit source]
Ozzy successfully formulated an early warning system for missile attacks along with the British Army. This system was nicknamed "SAMWSGDMDBY" which stands for: "Sharooooooon Anti-Missile Warning System God Dammit Motherf*cking Drugs Baby Yeah!" This system was a chief factor in the resolution of the Cuban Missile Crisis.
Ozzy also invented the "Turbo Heroin Tap", which consists of a new type of syringe that injects the drug 5 times faster, ideal for crowded drug circles.
Also See[edit | edit source]
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