People of the United States
“The real POTUS”
The people of the United States, U.S. Americans, or simply Americans or American people came into existence much like a potluck dinner, somebody decided to throw everything together and it worked, for a little while. Fortunately when it fell so did the rest of this retarded world.
The History of Americans
Scientists are still puzzled today by Americans of the United States, not because of their strange habits though, but because these scientists are puzzled by many things, like shoelaces. Most scholars are simply confused at how any of their ancestors could have been so stupid, as to ignore the big three thousand mile long chunk of rock jutting out to the west of them. The true history of America though is said to start with the Declaration of Independence and The Constitution, the former separating the U.S. from Britain, and the later setting the laws.
Like a disgruntled child leaving his over-bearing and abusive step-father, the United States split with Britain was not a peaceful one. There was quite a lot of blood spilled in the process. Also, like the aforementioned metaphor, the step-father lost and then snuck into the step-son's home several years later to burn it down. The ambitions however resulted only in the destruction of three pairs of tube socks, an old couch, and the previous nights’ leftovers. They then worked it out and solved/started world conflicts together. At any rate, the history of America was filled with Triumph Triples, the automobile, the light bulb, the slavery, and the general feeling of being the greatest country on Earth, that's why we're all so puzzled as to what went wrong, or we would be if we weren’t a bunch of retards that aren’t around anymore either.
Boastus Americanus is a disease that scholars believe British settlers in America caught from masturbating British men that were spying on Indian women. The disease is said to cause a severe swelling of the head and a general feeling of superiority, though truthfully it only inflames the ambition to rape. Because so many British settlers in America had it they all began to declare their land the greatest on Earth and soon split from England. Although they still had slaves, degraded women, and were essentially fifty years behind every other country, industrially speaking, they quickly overcame the technological gap and then some. Somehow this method of progress became the general rule and all the other countries of the world began looking to America for help. In a metaphorical sense it would be like the step-grandfather looking for help from his twenty-two year-old step-grandson physicist, doctor, businessman, carpenter, mason, entrepreneur on how to run a single bed and single bath household. He (step-grandfather) would probably wind up wasted, watching amateur porn on Youtube or reading some stupid article on Illogicopedia before the night was over.
Probably. That's exactly what happened with America. Americans began to set standards for themselves and many other countries began to follow, all of which (standards) are debatable. For one, every country (Lichtenstein in particular) is encouraged to butt into every conflict and feebly attempt to make peace, while unwittingly flaunting their ignorance like an exposed nipple with cheesy sauce. Secondly, another law for every country to follow, was that their must be at least one McDonald's per street corner.
Division of Labor
The Americans also decided to divide their national labor among different nations, since they were the customers they would do the brunt of the complaining, but they figured Britain could help (they were right). Blacks, whites, and Mexicans were to be laborers for eternity or until they got a better job. Later this was revised to Blacks will catch all sexually transmitted diseases swimming in the Great Lakes and live without food or water every evening between 3am and 4:38am. Whites will spit racially insensitive things over the radio, like Cheetos and Dr.Pepper. Chinese people will create all the nations products and ship them to the nearest Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, due to pure ignorance, several other 'wide-eyed' nations were accidentally lumped into the category of Chinese, and thereby forced into unrewarded labor (unless you can consider a paycheck “reward“). Other notable denominations were, Germany in charge of maintaining tire pressure equality, Russia in charge of leading a dependable Banana Republic clothing retailer, Mexico in charge of clean drinking water consumption, and France in charge of supporting the United States on every movie prop resale.
Rolling Into the 21st Century
The United States had its fair share of struggles during the 20th Century. There was the Great Depression, caused by a lack of prescription drugs. World Wars I and II, caused by the Jewish collective or Jews (well that's what Henry Ford said, very smart man). Most memorably though, the sport of soccer became existent in the U.S.A., which left people feeling nauseous for years. No, not really, what the fuck is soccer? However, coming into the 21st Century things seemed fine, but no one could have been prepared for what was about to happen. Those clocks, all those coded clocks.
For some reason the people of the 21st Century felt it was necessary to ruin the roll America was on. You know that roll, lost manufacturing jobs to cheap overseas manufactures (made cheap by domestic exchange rate bankers), ultra-high taxes on cigarettes, elected officials the puppets of unbearably greedy bankers, and such. People began calling the nation a stupid bully, people from dive bars and quick change oil garages. Other countries began to voice their own opinions about the state of America, opinions like “nice shoes geek” and “get a clue, scumbag”. A sizable portion of Americans were noticeably upset because they adored their shoes, and began to protest the stupid idiots of America who were ruining the world with bad color coordination.
The Stupid Idiots of America
It became apparent to the rest of the world, that American's were generally stupid when they began to follow suit and criticize themselves. This is however, is a large misconception based on gross ignorance. Americans have had a long standing tradition of being self critical and criticizing others, often brutally. Some advanced people with aluminum foil hats decided to test the knowledge of Americans and discovered that, although they knew how to navigate Facebook and text on their cell phones, they were unaware of who the President of their own country was in 1798 (so, so, sad). Americans were also found to be able to comprehend only the very basic words and grammar of their own language, and Klingon, proudly. Upon hearing this indictment, self-proclaimed soul watcher George W. Bush said, "Now you all quiet up because America is the most greatest state of them all 51 states of this nation, it says here right on my Facebook status page see, Vice President George W. Bush."
After realizing just how dumb the Americans actually were other countries decided to mess around with them by shipping their products to them in impossibly sealed plastic packaging and writing metaphorical albums about how dumb Americans are and seeing how many times their radio stations would play them (American Idiot). The packaging was still easy to open and the difference was only noticed by the guy with two prosthetic hands. The radio stations did play the songs often, precisely 1,475,997 times, but only that poor guy with prosthetic hands had to keep listening (he couldn’t change the station).
They're Fat Too
When numerous American soldiers showed up in medical tents with bullets caught in their rolls, supporting nations were extremely disgusted. The rolls were stale, what were they going to eat now? Apparently, being so stupid had really hurt Americans weight as well. As we all know the weight appendage has more than ten times as many nerve endings as the next densest flesh mass of the human body. No matter how many times doctors warned them that four Big Macs for breakfast wasn't healthy, it was lost on them that McD’s doesn’t start making Big Macs until lunch time. The foreign doctors continued to eat their weight in frozen patties and stale rolls filled with lead (plus a little cheese and slugs to give it the French zing) for nearly every meal, while the soldiers waited until lunch for a Mac and fries. Other countries exploited this flaw by pwning the Americans in the 2004 Summer Olympics where the Americans finished last in every event except for Cannonball Diving and Sumo Wrestling. Many years from then it will still be the only eventful story they have to share about their lives.
In order to exact revenge on the Americans for beating them at their best Olympic sport, the Japanese then invented the Nintendo Wii, which was considered interactive all because in some games you had to move your hands in the air instead of just pushing the buttons. The Japanese promised the games would help Americans lose weight, when in reality all it did was entertain children. To keep them in front of the television longer, innovators from the Wii also came upon the idea for the remote control. This in which allowed the fat Americans to flip the channels of a television set without having to get off their lazy asses (more fat is burned from walking ten feet across the room than from a 1500km bike ride).
American medicine had long been accepted as full-proof, but suddenly with these new revelations everything came under fire, and they had to make it fire-proof as well. Tough, very tough. Studies proved American medicine wasn't so great, Timmy‘s great aunt Thelma died at the healthy age of 114, all she had was pneumonia. The biggest flaw was that lab cultured antibiotic resistant bacteria, the smallest stupidest organism Israel ever had the displeasure to create, and release on the American people was outsmarting their medicine. This was because the bacteria resistant to medicine was made by morons. The ambition to create a new plague and the anti-healing effort was really all that was in those people's heads. This discovery led to a second breakout of The Black Plague in Europe. Americans were also so dumb (trusting of the wicked enemy) they were 'overdosing', a much nicer way of saying, "You stupid idiot how the hell did you manage to take more pills than it said to on the bottle, did you leave the cap open then trip, knock it off the counter and have its entire contents emptied into your mouth!" The Americans were beginning to be more and more exposed for their stupid allegiance to a collective of malicious people with none but evil ways.
The other stuff was bad-ass, but this just about took the strawberry cheesecake. Somehow in America rappers became famous (probably something to do with CD’s and MP3’s) and were emulated. As in most societies, people without a basic understanding of how to speak that societies language are taught in school from youth. Then they are encouraged to sprout a brain and let it blossom with the fruits of experience. Some of them become Yankee fans or some Red Sox fans to become the village idiot. There is strong argument against either team but in northeast America these people were actually praised. People began slurring their speech, wearing their pants low, killing themselves with lethal drugs, getting stoned on non-lethal drugs, and making strange hand gestures. All because a group of deranged morons stole some bad shrooms.
In the ensuing chaos many others who are artists of step and music found a rippin’ beat and repeated the Fuck word ad infinitim over a looped drum track. Americans actually decided it was a good idea to give up bad shrooms. On being intelligent, it is best for the simple to face the fact that it was impossible to have countless tattoos and wear your pants below your knees without being wildly admired. No? Don’t think so? You are a dumbass. The simple truth is that anyone can do it, as long as you’ve got a clean pair of Nike’s, but when that was mentioned to Americans they said they were off to a party or something. During one themed party to degrade import records, praise women, and then chill and smoke, the women who had been working towards bread equality for years said, "Stupid American toaster!" and then ran off to be bagged and auctioned off.
Other Proofs of American's Stupidity
- They elected Al Gore but the Supreme court anointed George W. Bush to appease the ambitions of a small elitist minority.
- Some thought John McCain was a good choice when they than elected Obama.
- They invented the helmet and implemented the helmet law in many states and people still refuse to follow it (I mean really, a strong and healthy functioning brain and a severely crippled body for life sounds awesome)
- They couldn't come up with a name for 'Football' so they stole one and then produced a completely different name for the actual game
- Some of them actually like football/soccer
- They thought Harry Potter was a good book series, could be worse, like a fascination with Chinese rip offs, or worst, appreciation for British history books
- They have Border Patrol agents hunting down Pokemon, go Buffy go!
- They elected John Kerry and the vote system was compromised in favor of George W. Bush
- Their African Americans actually insult themselves by spewing the N word in song lyrics because they want you, who are not ebony, to use it so they can bash your face in
- They are currently laughing at this article and considering nominating it to be Featured.