Clone-Communist War
| Clone-Communist War (Клон-Коммунист Вар) | |||||||
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Part of The Cold War  This is what the town of Białystok looked like after the war
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| Combatants | |||||||
 Polish Clone Army
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 LGBT Army
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| Commanders | |||||||
 Unknown British Guy (Who knows why)
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Britney Spears
File:FascistCommmunistFlagOfRussia.png Niko bellic File:Real Nazi Mexico Flag.png Alex Rodriguez (Who knows) | ||||||
| Strength | |||||||
| Unknown | 10,809,463,009.5 Communist soldiers | ||||||
| Casualties | |||||||
| 8,675,309 | A lot | ||||||
In November of 1983, tensions between an extreme Communist group called Опасно неохотно для того чтобы сделать воздушные шары (English: Dangerously Unwilling to Make Balloons or D.U.M.B.) and Polish Clones were worsening and worsening. The relations between these two enemies would lead to an outbreak of war between the two of them
Humble Beginnings[edit | edit source]
D.U.M.B. started out as a bunch of Soviet clowns who were very unwilling to make balloon animals. They began meeting underground, and in mid 1982, the president of the group, Dmitri Ytrotvanoflashsky, died suddenly and to this day nobody knows how or why, and Peter Icantrememberhislastnamesky took control of the group. He slowly turned D.U.M.B. into a Communist terror organization and began assembling an army for no reason what-so-ever.
Events Leading to War[edit | edit source]
D.U.M.B. was growing unpopular in Soviet Russia where "crow scare YOU!!" They decided they needed a new place to call home. They came up with a master plan, to get Poland pissed off and make Poland declare war on them, and then crush the Poles and take over Poland. On November 31, 1983, a D.U.M.B. secret agent stole a piece of paper and a pencil from some random government guy in Poland named Vincent van Gogh, despite the fact that he was Dutch and already dead, just don't tell him that.
Four days later, the piece of paper and pencil was placed on the desk of Sören van Ludwig. The paper said on it "In Soviet Russia, joke ruin YOU!!" Sören was so outraged with this that he converted an old toothpick factory into an almost-top-secret clone producing factory.
On January 20, 1984, a Polish secret agent stole and placed a piece of paper on the desk of Peter Icantrememberhislastnamesky that said "In Soviet Russia, government criticize YOU!!" The very next day, the D.U.M.B. declared war on Poland
Very Early Fighting[edit | edit source]
At 6:00 a.m. on January 21, 1984, a D.U.M.B. led Communist army began a massive offensive into Poland. The Polish Army met the Communist offensive, but 45 minutes into the war, the Communists had driven exactly 100.37 miles into Poland and had suffered only 2 casualties while the Poles had suffered 80,967 casualties.
Peter Icantremeberhislastnamesky told his armies to stop where they were and repel any Polish offensive. The next day, Peter ordered his air force to bomb the Polish city of Łódź, 180 miles from the border of modern day Belarus. Unfortunately, the commander of the D.U.M.B. Air Force, General Dmitri Zhukov, had bad eyesight. He thought that the 1 was a 3, making it 380 miles from the border, making the target Berlin.
On January 22, 1984 at 7:00 a.m., the Communist Air Force began a bombing of Berlin. However, the bombing was a success because all of the buildings in both east and west Berlin were completely destroyed except for the Berlin Wall (ironically enough). East Germany was outraged by this act and on January 24, 1984 East Germany declared war on the D.U.M.B. West Germany however, did nothing. The president simply just put a note on Mikhail Gorbachev's desk that said "In Soviet Russia, computor monitor YOU!!"
The next day, January 23, Peter Icantrememberhislastnamesky ordered his air force to bomb Warsaw (about 100 miles from the modern-day border of Belarus-Poland) in preparation for a ground assault that would occur the next day. Unfortunately, General Dmirti Zhukov misread the letter again, thinking it said 300 miles instead of 100 miles.
Four minutes later, bombers proceeded to bomb the capital city of Moscow. Mikhail Gorbachev ordered every single plane in all of the Soviet Union to engage the enemy, including the D.U.M.B. Air Force. One of the largest and most confusing air battles in the history of all time ensued, and when it was over, all that remained of the Soviet Air Force (including the D.U.M.B.) were five Migs, (one of them flown by Tinky Winky) four paper airplanes and one toy helicopter.
However, despite his air force being completely destroyed, the D.U.M.B.'s mission was in a sense accomplished, for about 93.5% of the buildings in Moscow were destroyed and the remainder of the city was on fire, except for one house that belonged to a bunch of Jewish people. The next day, Peter Icantrememberhislastnamesky was summoned to Mikhail Gorbachev.
The trial took all of two seconds because as soon as Peter walked in the door, the judge shouted "Your Guilty!!" and everyone got up and left. Peter was sentenced to execution by poisoning. They made him eat an entire plate full of nothing but broccoli and an entire plate full of nothing but cauliflower. Surprisingly, Peter survived the poisoning, but just barely. Peter was free to go, but as he was crawling out of the house, he stepped on a mine and blew up the last building still standing in all of Moscow.
Within four seconds of Peter's death, Britney Spears took control of the D.U.M.B. in what was no less than a coup d'état, although it technically wasn't quite an official coup d'état. The very first thing in the morning the next day, at 12:00 a.m. to be exact, she ordered an invasion of Warsaw. The exact moment she said that, all of the guns in the Communist Army began shelling the city with everything that they had, including the kitchen sink and one small child.
Not Quite as Early but Still Very Early Fighting[edit | edit source]
At Dark:30 a.m. on January 26, 1984, the Communist guns ceased fire on Warsaw, and a Highland Charge into the shattered city was ordered. There were bagpipes playing and everything. To this day nobody knows where or how the Communists got those bagpipes.
The Communists were hit with a wave of shot and shell and they were slaughtered. After 45 seconds of the charge, the Communists had lost nearly 2,000 soldiers versus just one Polish casualty after the shelling stopped, an emo guy who hid himself in a closet and slit his wrist, with a butterknife.
After about 2 minutes, the commander of the Communist army attacking Warsaw called in for air support to bomb the city. It arrived, but instead of bombing the city, it bombed the Communist army. Nobody knows for certain how many Communists died on that day, but we do know for certain that one of the casualties for the Communists was LaLa the Teletubbie. About 6 Poles were killed and 2 wounded that day, except for when they were being blown to smithereens by the Communist artillery.
The next day, the Communist soldiers went to a more "traditional" style of uniform, they dressed up as Scotsmen and carried no weapons other than swords and even painted their faces (remember they were originally clowns). The bagpipes started playing, and the Communists did another Highland Charge into the city.
This time, the Polish Army was so scared, that they just went into corners, rolled up into little balls and sucked their thumbs. Within 28 seconds (27.6 to be exact) of the first Scottish, I mean Communist troops setting foot in Warsaw, the city had fallen. Ironically, the one and only Communist soldier to die that day was Dipsy, the green teletubbie.
The Communists continued their push through Poland and captured most of the country with no challenge whatsoever until on March 1, 1984, the East German army arrived and engaged the Communists at the Battle of That-One-Place-That-I-Can't-Remeber-The-Name-Of. The battle lasted for two days until finally, the Germans broke and fled.
The Communists began to chase them away when all of a sudden, a voice was heard from over the hill that stopped them dead in their tracks (for some of them literally). The voice said "In Soviet Russia, war protest against YOU!!" Suddenly, on the crest of the hill appeared this absolutely huge clone army. They immediately sent down an ambassador to the Communist lines. A Communist ambassador met him and the two had a rock, paper scissors contest. The clone ambassador won, so the Communist army was forced to retreat.
Stalemate[edit | edit source]
The clones began a counteroffensive, and they drove the Communists back to just about twenty miles outside of Warsaw. There, Britney Spears ordered that the Communists make a counter-counteroffensive. This drove the clones back about 120 meters, but then the clones made a counter-counter-counteroffensive that failed. As a result, the two sides dug in. The two sides sent wave after wave of suicide attacks on the other, but the only result of this was casualties, lots of mudbaths and entertainment for God.
“Hey, this is entertaining, I should do this more often”
Then, one day a clone infamtryman who had just finished taking his daily mudbath just threw down his gun, walked out into no-man's-land unarmed, and was shot. But then another clone soldier laid down his weapon, stepped into no-man's-land and was shot.
Another clone soldier laid down his gun, stepped out into no-man's-land and was shot but survived, kept moving, ran into some barbed wire, stepped on a mine and then was shot again but the fourth guy to do that made it out into no-man's-land almost unharmed. He showed the Communists that he was unarmed, and then slowly infantrymen on both sides laid down their weapons and went out into the middle of no-man's-land.
While there, the soldiers got to meet each other, had a little tea party, played some soccer etc. etc. etc. The artillery was still firing at one another and the fighters in the skies above kept dogfighting one another, but the infantry was just out there having a grand old time.
Four days later, the two infantries were back in the trenches firing at one another. Four days after that, they were out in no-man's-land having a good old time. Four days after that, they were back in the trenches again and so on and so forth. The war continued this way for the next 10 years with neither side having moved an inch from where they were when the trench warfare began, well maybe an inch or two.
International Support[edit | edit source]
The Clones and East Germans gained a whole lot of support from every country in the world except the Soviet Union, China, and Thailand (we'll get to that more in a second). However, they did not receive military or economic support from any nation. The other nations just simply sat back and said "Go Clones! Go, Fight, Win! Rah Rah Rah!" However, they did receive cheese from the Swiss, beer from the Irish, and sushi from the Japanese.
The Soviet Union, China and Thailand were the only nations that did not support the Clones and their East German friends. The Soviet Union didn't because, well, they were fighting them. Actually, Siberia did support the Clones, but there's nothing in Siberia except snow, prisoners and remains of all who have tried to live there before.
China didn't support the Clones because they were attempting to support the Soviet Union. Of course, they didn't do to good at that, because trying to support China, the Soviet Union and having a Communist government just isn't a very good combination. Nobody quite knows why Thailand didn't support the Clones, even the Thai people themselves are not quite sure why.
Canada Enters the War[edit | edit source]
On July 31, 1995, Britney Spears ordered the D.U.M.B. Air Force to bomb the Polish city of Kalisz about 150 miles from the border. Now, Britney Spears didn't know that Dmitri Zhukov had bad vision. General Zhukov misread the letter, he thought that the 5 was a 0 and he added an extra 0, making the target 1000 miles from the border; Oxford, England.
The next day, August 1, sirens began going off in the city of Oxford in Great Britain. This was the first time this had happened since World War 2, so the citizens in Oxford went absolutely insane. They were running around in the streets like chickens with their heads cut off, they were storming the overcrowded subway like a tsunami, etc. etc. etc.
Soldiers and anybody (and everybody and your mother) went rushing to numerous anti-aircraft turrets in random locations throughout the city. Within 8 seconds, the RAF was in the skies and on their way to Oxford.
However, the RAF pilots had rushed to their planes and into the skies so quickly that they had forgotten to refuel their fighters, so they had to turn around and head back to base to refuel because their jets were on below-empty-refuel-now-or-else-your-going-to-become-religous-real-fast. It would be another seven hours before they would arrive in Oxford.
The defenders of Oxford fought fiercely, and it wasn't long (about 4 hours) before the ran out of ammunition, and began taking giant rubber bands, streching them, and launching stuff like dynamite, TNT, Nitro Glycerin, kittens, silverware, wives, John Kerry, everything except the kitchen sink. Later they would become so desperate that they would fling TVs and even kitchen sinks at the Communists.
The Communists suffered heavy casualties that day. By the time that the RAF did appear, the Communists had less than 20% of the planes they had started the mission with. The RAF outnumbered the Communists about 106 to 1.5 Plus, the Communist pilots were scared, and some began sucking their thumb while their plane crashed to the ground, making them be outnumbered 106 to 1 when the dogfight actually began.
Within the first 10 minutes of air-to-air combat, the RAF had lost 649 planes and as much as 999 pilots while the Communists had only 12 planes and 3 pilots die due to the RAF. At the end of the day, the RAF had lost 96% of its original strength, the Communists had lost 94% (97% of those 94% were because of the defenders of the city and not the RAF) of their original strength, and the city of Oxford had been completely and absolutely leveled.
The next day, Great Britain declared war on the D.U.M.B. Unfortunately for the British, they were too busy drinking their tea and playing cricket to go to war, so instead they ordered Canada to fight for them instead.
The War Comes to a Close[edit | edit source]
The Canadians fought their first battle of the war on August 4, 1995. They jumped in the trenches with the clones, and for the most part sat there and fought and died. Then, on January 2, 1996, George Clooney offered an assassin a lifetime supply of Canadian maple syrup absolutely free if he went and killed Britney Spears, so he did.
When Britney died, there was complete confusion in the D.U.M.B. ranks, and rival generals and commanders started to fight each other for control of the D.U.M.B. On January 17, four days after Britney Spears' death, the Allies (Clones, East Germans and Canadians, eh!) came up with a master plan. They told all of their soldiers to charge right at the enemy, and don't stop until the D.U.M.B. is back across the Soviet border.
On January 17, they began their massive invasion, Operation: Beat-the-Enemy-Back-Acrossed-the-Border-and-Take-Four-Centuries-Just-to-Write-All-of-the-Letters-Back-Home-Explaining-Why-Their-Son-Didn't-Return-Home. The Communists in extreme confusion ran in every which way. There were a lot of Communist soldiers at the dry cleaners the next day!
It would take a week before the Communists could make a not-so-effective resistance that was absolutely crushed. It wouldn't be until late Februrary that they would put up a really effective resistance. By April 3, the Communists had been pushed back to 50 miles inside of modern-day Belarus, and the next day, they signed the Treaty of Warsaw, which officially ended the Clone-Communist War.
Aftermath[edit | edit source]
Nothing was gained or lost for anybody that fought for the Clones, with the exception of Białystok, Warsaw, Berlin, Oxford and lots of other random towns and cities in Poland, which were totally rocked. However, the miserable defeat in the Clone-Communist War is one of the single biggest event in Russian history, for it is the single event that caused the breakup of the Soviet Union. Nothing else caused the breakup of the Soviet Union, just that. It also caused the breakup of Korea and also Vietnam. As a result of the breakup of Vietnam, the Vietnam War began, so really the Clone-Communist War was the actual cause of the Vietnam War. Insane, huh?