Cricket

Did you mean Cricket (insect) or Jiminy Cricket?

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“Dun du du dun dun! Dun du duuun dun dun du dun!”

~ Test Match Special

Cricket is a sport played by men in pyjamas, though is not uncommon to see a banana in a pyjama from time to time, especially if Shane Warne is bowling.

A team consists of three players and a bunch of guys who stand around doing nothing for a while. In the England team, these are known as 'batsmen'. Every so often an animal runs onto the pitch at which point play must continue until the intruder is hit by the ball. Extra runs are awarded according to the animal hit, briefly outlined below:

• Bird: 1 run
• Man with tractor: 3½ runs
• Dog: 5 runs
• Streaker: 50 runs and a huge cheer from the crowd
• Geoff Boycott: automatically win the game

A game ends when the pavilion is out of cucumber sandwiches, usually after lunch on day 2 or just after Mike Gatting's visited.

Known proponents

• Peter Bowler. He is a batsman.
• The batsman's Holding. The bowler's Willey. Neither of them are homosexual, though one is interested in grasping balls.
• Phil Mustard and Graham Onions.
• Mr. O.F. Time, resident of Lord's Pavilion.

Known enemies

• Henry Blofeld, arch villain and all round evil schemer of cricketing fraternity.
• Phil Tufnell, Blofeld's cat. Heh, cat, geddit?

See also

• All-day ultra mega super baseball with sticks and ropes and stuff
• Jiminy Cricket

Sports