Jay Z's 99 problems

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  1. He can't find his car keys.
  2. His dog has terrible Alpo farts.
  3. His inbox is flooded with spam.
  4. He accidentally sat down on his sunglasses and broke them.
  5. He's failing biology.
  6. His toilet keeps getting clogged.
  7. His cat has distemper.
  8. They recently canceled his favorite television show.
  9. A creeper just destroyed his house.
  10. His Tamagotchi died.
  11. This article reminds him of his 99 problems.
  12. Women's breasts seem to be getting smaller.
  13. Thirteen is an unlucky number.
  14. Gangnam Style is better music than his.
  15. Some Idiot Banging Two Rocks Together is better music than his.
  16. Link stole his watermelons.
  17. Actually, Link is racist for assuming that the watermelons were his. (They were Kanye's).
  18. Illogicopedia is so informative, it makes him look ignorant by comparison.
  19. I pwned him in WoW.
  20. His cats have terrible burrito-blast farts while playing Spy V.S. Spy, and somehow got on icanhascheezburger.com because of that.
  21. He tried to troll 4chan by saying "I'm twelve years old and what is this" and ended up getting underage banned.
  22. His 99 problems are making him depressed.
  23. Some hacker posted illegal Star Wars porn on his website.
  24. Spam has started falling out of his flooded inbox onto his desktop.
  25. The Police found the illegal Star Wars porn on his website, and to avoid life in prison he was forced to eat five hundred lemons in one sitting, then burn his own house down.
  26. His 99 problems create more problems for him, and those problems create more problems, and those problems create more problems, and those problems create more problems, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
  27. He suffers from boredom of intoxicating severity.
  28. He has gout.
  29. He got an XBOX One when all of his friends got a PS4.
  30. He bruised his knee on a coffee table.
  31. Most of his fans have no clue what the Magna Carta is.
  32. He just realized how silly his laugh is.
  33. Stupid people on the Internet insist on trying to list his 99 Problems.
  34. People like Kanye more.
  35. His dream of becoming a professional basket-weaver never took shape.
  36. He hasn't pooped in a few days and he's just getting worried.
  37. Blue Ivy learned a few swear words from him, and he's afraid she'll say some in front of Beyonce.
  38. He got made fun of for thinking the white spot on a killer whale was the eye.
  39. He's a grown-ass man, but still has to wear baggy jeans and chains for image reasons.
  40. He bought party hats in bulk in 2003 and has yet to use all of them.
  41. He caused a minor forest fire that didn't burn anything down, but he still feels bad.
  42. His life is peculiarly devoid of references to the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
  43. Beyonce won't let him get a pet chinchilla.
  44. He thinks he pulled a muscle, but can't admit it because it was during a mundane task.
  45. Chilli con carne gives him bad gas. As do the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
  46. His internet crashes whenever he watches The Jeremy Kyle Show online.
  47. Existential boredom.
  48. Youtube buffers every five seconds on his mobile device.
  49. Ennui.
  50. Hasidic Jews don't like his "music".
  51. MC Smelly D wouldn't give him a reacharound.
  52. He has crabs again.
  53. Nobody will play Candyland with him.
  54. He was turned down for the role of Angel #3 in "Charlie's Angels"
  55. He is called "Jay Z".
  56. He never got to perform a duet with Frank Sinatra. Frank Sinatra Jr. won't return his calls.
  57. He can't stop dreaming about giant women with electrician's tools.
  58. He likes big buts, and he cannot help but lie.
  59. Bats are eating his legs.
  60. His ice cream cone had an air pocket in it.
  61. His power tools staged a revolution in Latvia.
  62. Collecting wine corks no longer interests him, but he can't think of anything else to do.
  63. No one calls him "Shawn" anymore.
  64. It's been five pokémoning years and this willikersing article still isn't finished.
  65. He found out he's more obnoxious than Barbara Streisand.
  66. His mom is always on him about cleaning his room.
  67. Donald Trump is indifferent towards his music, thus limiting his audience among the politically petty.
  68. The Younch ate his socks. Not all of them, just the best ones.
  69. If he only had 69 problems, that would be quite a bit nicer.
  70. But the blasted thing must go onwards and onwards, sometimes running smoothly, at other times in fits and starts, towards the inevitable point of cessation which is its stated quantity.