Oompa-Loompas

This article was too bizarre for Uncyclopedia,   but Illogicopedia loves random stuff.

→

The Oompah Loompahs, (latin name: Greenus dwarfia) are a rare species of underground cave goblins.

A rare photo of AC/DC guitarist Angus Young without makeup, revealing his true identity as an Oompah Loompah

They are prized by eccentric industrialists as a cheap source of slavery and kindling.

Appearance

In their natural form, the Oompah Loompah appears to be a squat humanoid with deep green skin and large clumps of hair protruding from their ears. To human eyes male and female Oompah Loompahs appear identical. However, a quick examination shows that male Oompah Loompahs have disproportionately large genitalia (with some rare exceptions, such as Tom Cruise, who actually has no male genitals).

Sexual reproduction

The traditional sexual practices of Oompah Loompahs are a closely guarded secret. However, recent research has shown that the following factors must be present for intercourse and conception to occur between two Oompah Loompahs:

• Soft lighting
• The music of Barry White
• A prodigious amount of alcohol
• A rubber chicken
• A spatula
• Fifty gallons of chocolate

Oompah Loompah culture

Though little is known of Oompah Loompah culture, interrogation of kidnapped Oompah Loompahs has revealed that the society is organized into a confederation of tribes. At present 117 tribes are known to exist, although the number constantly fluctuates.

The Grand Poobah of each tribe gathers every 10 years to elect a new representative (also known as the Grand Grand Poobah) from their midst. Following the imfamous Florida model, the ruling party makes up new tribes and votes on their behalf, and then throws out 90% of the opposition's votes. Thus the leadership of the Oompah Loompahs never changes.

Discovery of the Oompah Loompah

Oompah Loompahs were first discovered by the man in 1947 in Roswell New Mexico. A ridiculous flying saucer story was concocted to hide the potentially explosive news that a new species of humanoid had been discovered.

The Oompah Loompah Liberation Army

The Willy Wonka sex scandal caused massive outcry within Oompah Loompah society, and thus much poorly choreographed robot dancing. Within a year a small group of dissident Oompah Loompahs had formed a terrorist group called the 'Oompah Loompah Liberation Army' (OLLA).

The Army's first target was Spain, which had long been at the forefront of Oompah Loompah exploitation. That campaign quickly fell into chaos however when it was discovered that the Army's acronym meant 'hello' in the native tongue. Fortunately, Spain's lack of stomach for any form of violent protest saw the entire nation retreat into Portugal.

Seeing the turmoil next door, France immediately surrendered to the band of fifteen green midgets.

For decades OLLA were content with forcing France and Spain to work only 2 hours a day and indulge in widespread pornography. However, by the late 1990s some members of the group had grown restless and encouraged a new wave of terrorism. Started in 2001 OLLA targeted the United States of America.

Their campaign seemed doomed when President George W. Bush announced a brutal counter offensive against "them little guys who is terrorizin' Freedom". Fortunately, Bush got the Oompah Loompahs confused with North Korea and overlooked the real threat.

Infiltration of human society

For centuries some Oompah Loompahs have sought a better life for themselves by concealing their green skin and attempting to infiltrate human society, especially Western society. Though nobody knows the true extent of their incursion, some famous figures have been confirmed as actually being Oompah Loompahs. These include:

• Napoleon Bonaparte
• Tom Cruise
• Angus Young
• Woody Allen