Millard Feelmore

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The poster for the porno.

Millard Feelmore is a 2008 adult film based on the life of Millard Fillmore, the thirteenth president of the United States. It stars "Dirty" Jimmy Hernandez as Millard Feelmore, a President who handles his and the nation's affairs.

Plot

Millard Feelmore starts the film in the Oval Office of the White House, doing presidential things. Immediately, he and an aide named Marcia (portrayed by porn-veteran, Boner Lisa) enters with some important papers. The papers inform Feelmore that in order to "save the great nation of America," Marcia and Feelmore must have sex right there in the Oval Office. Feeling no hesitation, the two immediately engage in aggressive intercourse.

After a few minutes of unadulterated sex, a knock is heard at the door. Before Feelmore can put his fancy clothes back on, his wife, Kaely (portrayed by newcomer, Meryl Streep-Throat), enters and is shocked by the scene on the floor. Millard tries to explain what is going on, but Kaely silences him. Then, unexpectedly, she removes all of her clothing in one motion, and joins the two on the floor for passionate love-making. This threesome goes on for about fifteen minutes of screen time.

There is another knock at the door. Kaely gets up, while still fully nude, and answers it. At the door is Abraham Lincoln (portrayed by Daniel Day-Lewis), top hat and all, delivering a pizza. Instantaneously, Lincoln is brought into the orgy, using the pizza as a prop. This love-making becomes ever-the-more passionate as political tensions heat up.

Finally, the four lay on the ground of the Oval Office, naked and sweaty, covered in bodily fluids, and staring at the ceiling. They make comments on the sexual experience and rest. Then, Feelmore gets up, puts his clothes back on, and walks outside, where there is a motorcycle waiting. He gets on the back of it, and calls out to his wife, his mistress, and Abraham Lincoln that he "hears there are some bad bitches in New York," and rides away. The screen then fades to black.

Production

The film was directed by the Stanley Kubrick of pornography, Senor Spielbergo, whose other credits include German porn classic, Das PussyVator. Millard Feelmore was shot in three days on the abandoned set of the American political drama The West Wing. Many in the industry claim that this was done illegally, with literally no clearance to enter the facility. When the dildos and gags necessary for the film's doubly-climactic scene were not readily available on the set, Spielbergo went on a K-Mart run to get props, where he found the knock-off Ray-Ban sunglasses that mark the film's poster.

The atmosphere on the set was described as upbeat, as nearly everyone there really wanted to be there. It was considered a "cushy job" in the pornography business. The one anomaly on the set was the presence of Daniel Day-Lewis, who, at the time, was a two-time Academy Award-winning actor. When asked why he, a critically acclaimed actor, wanted to be in a pornography, he merely stated that he was researching the character of Abraham Lincoln for a future role, and it was important for him to know, in his method acting, how exactly the character of Abraham Lincoln engaged in hot, steamy, four-way sex.

Memorable Quotes

“Don't make me send the troops into your vagina.”

~ Millard Feelmore

“Mr. President, I've been a bad girl. You should sign an executive order against me.”

~ Marcia

“You're my sex slave--because slavery is still legal.”

~ Millard Feelmore

“You're Commander-in-Chief, and I'm in-Commander-in-Chief.”

~ Kaely Feelmore

“You know what they say about big top hats?”

~ Abraham Lincoln

Reception

Millard Feelmore got rave reviews among the porn community, with many critics calling it the "premier historical work of the genre." It even one the Golden Dildo at the 2009 Pornography Awards for Best Pornography. It is the only piece of pornography to get a score higher than 90% on Rottentomatoes.com. The success of the film caused director Spielbergo to retire from pornography, citing his inability to top it. In a 2011 interview with MoneyShot Magazine, Spielbergo said that he wrote many other presidential pornographies, like Dwight Guys-in-Shower, Harry Blew-man, Warren G. Hard-on, Theodore Hoes-a-felt, and George W. Bush, but none of them could recapture the magic of Millard Feelmore. He ended the interview by sighing and adding, "I guess it was a one-time thing."

Motion Pictures