Jonald Truden

Jonald Pulchra Pisces Truden (Born 1834, revived from cryopreservation in 2004) Is the 32,643rd President of the United States, serving from 2005 to present. Jonald Truden's life and political career is highlighted by his supernatural abilities and unknown origin. He has survived a fall from the atmosphere, been revived from cryopreservation unharmed, manipulated reality on several occasions, contradicted the details of his own article, and possesses an unknown amount of multiple other abilities.

On November 8, 1834, thousands of people around the globe claimed that a bright, pulsating orb appearing like a star fell down to Earth. The fall was followed by a loud crash that was heard around the entire world, and a minor earthquake. Later, it was determined the orb anomaly was, in some form, Jonald Truden. While authorities never officially found the landing site, An elderly couple that lived isolated in Texas woke up to the knock of Jonald Truden at their door. They raised Jonald Truden into 'understanding' human mannerisms and language.

In 1894, Jonald Truden had somehow learned how to cryogenically freeze organic matter perfectly, and proceeded to freeze himself. His body was found in an underground bunker in Denver, Colorado. He went on after his freezing to have a largely successful political career, despite his controversial plan to [DATA EXPUNGED], possibly causing an end-of-the-world class scenario.

Possible Interstellar Origin and Career

“Criminality – it's a crime!”

~ Jonald Truden campaign slogan

While it is impossible to know, many respected public figures have long speculated that the white orb was of interstellar origins. There is, however, no evidence to disprove nor validate any speculation. As of 2009, Jonald Truden's place of origin is still undetermined, but research is ongoing.

After being contacted for comments on Jonald Truden, the Dust Association of America confirmed Jonald Truden was not a super-Sauropsid, or a lizard person, and was instead some new unidentified life form.

In 2019, Jonald Truden was elected the President of The United States after a landslide victory. He was appointed instantaneously and immediately created dozens of controversial new laws that passed without any input from Congress. These laws, oddly, coincided with a rise in drug use, though now we can't call the drugs illicit.

Rise to POWER Prominence

In Jeremy, 2021, Jonald Truden had a high-profile duel against the superhuman Kanye West. Kanye, unannounced, arrived at the domain of Truden, requesting a duel. The following duel was responsible for an unparalleled amount of collateral catastrophic damage, the likes of which humanity has never bothered to clean up, per usual. In the aftermath, however, Truden was declared victorious.

In Serpeniver 2022, Truden was found guilty of being a criminal. His high-profile campaign issue of criminalizing crime itself thereby made a lasting impact on his own career in a way he hadn't foreseen.

2021 Hit Tour

Jonald Truden made headlines during and after his 2021 hit tour of the American Capitol Building. It was a wild, wild rave, filled with the use of both possible and impossible drugs, and the fans ended up so frenzied they traveled the whole solar system in their excitement, allegedly meeting "positive aliens" from elsewhere who inspired them to riot and revolt in the name of a new (to Earthlings) faith passed on from another galaxy. At the core of this missionary agenda was a message of peace and salvation, requiring strict obedience to a higher authority, that of whichever authority figure went up the farthest while tripping.

The fans got going according to plan that same day, but it all came to little when they tripped and fell and were then swept under the carpet – a very large carpet. Jonald Truden reportedly stamped said carpet with his personal seal of approval just hours afterwards, and it later sold for $45.5 million when put up for auction. While at first some claimed that the missing fans were included in the bargain, the investigation was soon wrapped up in the carpet, and Truden was cleared of all suspicions of human trafficking.

2024 Senile Boxing against Himself

Having worked doubly since 2021 as both record-breaking illegal rave-fixer and President at the same time, Jonald Truden's life of hard toil noticeably began to wear him out within a few years. In part it may just have been age, though – despite his remarkable lifespan of extraterrestrial origin, there's no guarantee of immortality. Yet the frenzied activity of his political career wouldn't let up, rather it grew even wilder.

By 2024, Truden's long-running tendency to argue with himself, including in public, grew stronger. Various observers, including political commentators, began to suspect he was growing senile, given some of the stumbling, incoherent things he were saying. Soon Truden himself would appear to confirm this, accusing himself of having become demented. The political debate surrounding Truden also began to concern the extraterrestrial project for Truden's century of Presidential reign, revealed in the work of his sponsors and influencers. These otherworldly hopes for how Truden might reshape not only the US but also life on Earth were initially of no concern to the public, but then they heard some of the alien discussions and decided that the aliens were illegal.

Wanting to sort out his growing series of issues with himself and his plans once and for all, he organized a series of boxing matches. In the first of these, he repeatedly struck and stumbled, and finally succeeded in knocking himself out. This led to consternation among the general public, who began to view him as unfit given his stammering speech following the boxing match. Hoping to turn things around in his favor, a second boxing match was planned in which he'd strike back and, as he explained it, win back those torn over him.

The Rematch

That second match never took place as originally planned, because in his weakened state Jonald Truden eventually gave up his own role in it, resigning himself to going into a nursing home. In the nursing home, Truden claimed to commune daily with alien dogs and cats, but when others couldn't see them, he claimed that this was because aliens had tragically eaten them, aliens which had trespassed on US territory while doing so. The spread of this story greatly fueled sentiments against illegal aliens.

But Truden soon grew a little stronger and left the nursing home; still wanting a rematch of sorts, he opted to change the rules and procedures surrounding the boxing match, replacing the judge with a prosecutor, so that he'd only need to exert himself half as much as in the first match. He then went swinging at the prosecutor, who promptly punched him back hard. Truden was fine with that, knowing the prosecutor well and expecting as much from said long-time associate. Indeed, Truden loudly boasted of his win after coming to, following being knocked out by the punch. Viewers were confused, but on the whole decided that the duo was well-worth their votes in the future.

See also

• Justin Trudeau – Jonald Truden's evil twin and Canadian counterpart