Flowers

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“I ain't done nothin' wrong by speaking to the gen'leman. I've a right t' sell flaurs if I keep off the kerb. I'm a respectable gal: so 'elp me, I never spoke to him 'cept so far as to buy a flaur off me.”

~ Eliza Doolittle on selling flowers
A beauty beyond words.

Flowers are those pretty things that people give to their lovers on Valentine's Day, mothers on Mother's Day, grandparents on Grandparents' Day, aunts on Aunts' Day, uncles on Uncles' Day, first cousins on First Cousins' Day, second cousins on Second Cousins' Day, third cousins on Third Cousins' Day, and children on their birthdays. Blame Hallmark.

A flower is almost universally accepted to be a part of a plant. The small minority who beg to differ are the ones who say they are actually parts of Fake Plants, without realizing that it's actually Fake Flowers that they are talking about. In addition, there are those who think you're talking about flour, the stuff you use to make bread. Unless, of course, you are part of the 96% of the population who just buys bread at the supermarket.

Oh, and flowers are always happy. Even when they are dead.

What Is a Flower?[edit]

A flower is a part of the plant. It's that beautiful part of the plant that is colorful (the ugliest flowers come from America) and that everyone loves.

It was confirmed by botanists in the 1920's that a flower is, in fact, the reproductive organ, or sexual organ of a plant. That is, they have to do with the plant's reproduction. It's where babies come from. This whole situation has led to the following oddities.

  • If you are looking at a flower, you are admiring the plant's sex organs. You are sexually attracted to the plant. When's your first date?
  • If you are really intensely looking at a flower, you are sexually molesting the flower. You might as well have that sign in your front yard saying that you are a registered sex offender.
  • If you are really really intensely looking at a flower, you might as well go to jail.
  • If you are painting a picture of a flower, taking a photograph of a flower, or otherwise using flowers in art, the art may be considered sexually inappropriate.
  • If you are looking at a photograph or painting of a flower, you are looking at plant pornography.
  • Likewise, if you are selling your paintings of flowers, you are selling plant pornography. You are prohibited by law from selling your paintings to anyone under 21.
  • If a little girl picks a flower, she is castrating the plant.
  • If you smell or sniff flowers because they smell good, you are sexually molesting the flower.
  • If you pick a few flowers and put them in a vase, you might as well similarly display penises.
  • If you sell flowers for a living, you should get life in prison.
  • If you eat flowers, you are having oral sex.
  • If you stick flowers in your genitals, you are raping the flower.
  • And if you stick flowers in your genitals, see what happens, and nine months later, what does the kid look like?

What does the kid look like?[edit]

A scientifically engineered prospective picture of the fetus in a woman who allegedly raped a flower. The skeptics insist that the picture was completely computerized and the woman will give birth to an ordinary child.

Several theories. But remember, they're just theories.

Some claim this actually happened once, when a daisy gave birth to a baby boy in 1957 in San Francisco. The father was supposedly Adolf Hitler. The baby boy was allegedly green in color, and in place of his penis was a flower. Leaves came out of his body everywhere, except instead of legs he had roots dangling. He was mentally retarded, and never learned to talk. He didn't need to eat, except when it was cloudy. He performed photosynthesis. He committed suicide at age 12.

Of course, there are those skeptics who are convinced this never happened, that it was an urban legend or a hoax. These people are no fun. They don't have an imagination. They probably lead boring lives. Oh, and they're atheists.

Most scientists believe that a flowerperson would be unable to survive.

Flower Gift-Giving[edit]

Why anyone would give their loved ones dead reproductive organs is a mystery. Didn't you know that when you pick a flower you kill it? Why are you giving your loved ones dead things? You mentally ill? You mentally ill?

Oh, and then there are florists. They belong in jail. But you knew that already. Flowers have sex with each other! That's how baby plants come into being! With a little help from the birds and the bees, children.

Yes little children, flowers are wonderful.