HowTo:Prepare for the Apocalypse

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Packs of these things will roam the landscape, devouring all in their paths, cleansing the world for the coming Maitreya Buddha.

The first time, we forgot to prepare, and all the worlds ended completely anticlimactically. But that's okay. The second time taught us a lot: namely that you can get mighty far with a deck of cards and five lunatics. Such is the nature of Midnight; you only need to think it possible and then you have a cat. Other things, too, but especially a cat.

This time, though, this time we're preparing, and I'm writing you a love letter to tell it true.

You'll have to kill me first, of course. I don't blame you. Just remember, I never blamed you, my love.

Step one: Locating the Apocalypse[edit | edit source]



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It's hard to prepare if the Apocalypse is missing. And they usually are; such is the nature of our apocalypses. They're shy. They don't like to get around before their moment. And once their moment comes, they like to destroy that moment so nobody can even see it coming. Like us. We're supposed to see things coming. Kind of our job, right? Right.

Anyway, if you really need to see it coming, there are a couple of options:

  1. Ignore it; make your own apocalypse. Only way this can go wrong is if you miscalculate and another one shows up first. Sooner is safer than later.
  2. Coax the apocalypse out with meats. Apocalypses tend to like meats. Especially sweet ones, and sometimes fanged ones. Walk your fanged meats around enough, and maybe your apocalypse will pounce right then and there. Maybe not.
  3. Change your eyes. Right now, you can't see it coming. That's a problem. But that's a problem with your eyes - different ones might see. I won't tell you how, though. I can't. Not after the last thirty-seven. I love you too much to do that to you.
  4. Find someone special to stand beside you and do it for you. You'll see her a mile off, my sister, and she'll see you through if you let her. And if she doesn't stab you first. Or shoot you. Or clobber you with a book. She's a librarian, and very feisty.
  5. Just wait. Eventually, it will come. It always does. Again, and again, and again.

Me, I'd just wait. It'll all work out. But I am also very lazy. Fundamentally lazy, as it were. Whereas you, ever the vivacious, run headlong into life to experience everything...

Step two: Deciding what you want to do about it[edit | edit source]

We stopped the first one. Watched blankly as the second one came around. The third will be a glimmer of the fifth. And the fourth? Why, I'll just leave that open for you. The page in the First City, that one is open for you, my love. Look if you dare.

But there's the options:

  1. Prevent it from happening at all.
  2. Fail to prevent it, and then hastily fix the entire thing after the fact.
  3. Use it to your own advantage.
  4. Survive it, nothing more.
  5. End it all, everything that is and ever was.

I never said this, but sometimes it's nice to just scrub things clean and end it all. End the worlds, end the time, and be alone, simply, blankly. But then there's nothing, and nothing goes on forever... that's the nature of the beast. That's just who I am.

You, you'll probably just want to survive. Leave the using it to my sister. We already prevented the other one. And that thing with the five lunatics, well, they fixed the one just fine.

It's easy to survive. Just determine everything it is you need in order to survive. And then get those things. And then you'll survive. Probably. Call me if you don't, love. I'll have a few aces left, even dead.

Step three: Noticing an apocalypse[edit | edit source]

You need to notice it. To do anything, you need to notice there's an apocalypse happening at all. That's where all the preparing comes in. They're shy, right? It's the nature of the beast. Doesn't like to be seen. Sometimes they call it holes, sometimes black, sometimes Midnight itself. The Dark Sister, the Dark Tower, the Zero Point Pathogen. It is the same as the Goddess who sleeps in the city beneath, the Rifts, the shadow of shadows. It is filth, a plague, a darkness, cleaner than death.

You can't see it. Not with your eyes. And I will not help you to see it.

You need to see around it, instead. Make maps out of the first city. Plot out the mathematics of tears. Look not at what is, but at the overall shape of what could be. And then look at what's missing.

That will be your apocalypse.

Step four: Actually doing whatever you decided[edit | edit source]

I suggest liberal amounts of highly decaffeinated fizzy sugary drinks. Mind you, I always suggest those. For every occasion. Just wear your mask and do whatever you decided, okay? You'll be fine.

And I'll be waiting.