Box of doggie poops

Fallopian Tube

The Fallopian Tube is the ancestor of the modern subway system, colloquially referred to in London as "The Tube". It was so called because the first test system was constructed in the district of Fallopia in London.

Tao Te π

The π which cannot be expressed as a ratio of integers is not the π.

The Tao Te π is a Macedonian-by-way-of-Han China treatise on the viscosity of gummi bears collection of sayings and New Age crap disguised as profound wisdom.

HERE'S HOW A CLEVER 8-YEAR-OLD BEAT BACK CREATIONISTS IN SOUTH CAROLINA

An 8-year old girl has just helped South Carolina designate an official state fossil rather than become one.

Olivia McConnell, a third-grader and aspiring Egyptologist, learned that South Carolina was one of only a few states that didn't have an official state fossil. So after some research and consideration, she proposed the Columbian mammoth. Some fossilized mammoth teeth were dug up on a South Carolina plantation in 1725.

Below: Olivia McConnell, via Fox News

Her idea got the backing of a state lawmaker.

It was pretty smooth sailing for a while. The state House passed the measure and so did a state Senate Committee.

But it hit a snag when it reached the full state Senate. Some creationist senators opposed it.

GOP state Sen. Kevin L. Bryant pushed for an amendment to add the phrase, "as created on the Sixth Day with the other beasts of the field," after each mention of the word "mammoth"in the bill.

"It seemed such a non-controversial topic," her mother Amanda McConnell told the Associated Press. "I could not in my wildest dreams have imagined that it became what it became."

Olivia and her classmates wrote letters to lawmakers and ultimately the measure passed without the creationist amendment. It was signed into law by Nikki Haley.

What's next for Olivia? She says she wants to write a book on her experience with the legislature.

Via the Associated Press and io9

http://politix.topix.com/story/12184-heres-how-a-clever-8-year-old-beat-back-creationists-in-south-carolina

Mentally retarded squirrel monkey debates creationist intellectuals

At the fourth Annual Forensic Kaizumers Conference last week, a mentally handicapped squirrel monkey made mincemeat out of arguments presented by a panel of creationist thinkers during a formal debate entitled "Science versus Fundamentalist Interpretations On The Nature Of Reality".

Commissioner Balls Carrot Cookies

"Commissioner Balls Carrot Cookies are out of this world," proclaimed one unnamed New York State politician.

Jake Rush woke this morning, like any other morning. He looked down and wondered where the blood on his sheets had come from. Then he noticed the dead woman lying next to him.

IllogiNews:Horoscopes for May, 2014

Wareham

A town, or a person who turns into a gigantic fanged ham at the full moon. The largest local employer is a company that does retroactive sodomy.

Spontaneous Ascending and Descending Testicles

“It's like getting kicked square in the nuts, without the kick, or the nuts”

~ Leo Tolstoy

Spontaneous Ascending and Descending Testicles (or SAD-T or SAD Testicles) is a condition limited to males in which the testicles spontaneously move upwards into the pelvis or downwards from the pelvis, causing excruciating pain and screaming.

Suspected causes are voodoo curses, rapid changes in air pressure, extreme sudden fear onset, using aluminum baseball bats, bar food and reefer madness. Sometimes incidents are accompanied by a strange popping sound and streams of tears.

Treatment is "Ahhhhh! Don't touch me there! Cthulhu-Jesus!"...

Satan is good for business

“I'm good for business. Didn't you know that?”

~ Satan

Moostapha Jones

Moostapha Jones (born April 3, 1965) pursued many careers before settling down to a life of contemplation at a hermitage made of boar tusks and old tires.

He had apprenticed at age 10 to an antler designers shop.

Love of my life

Love of my life, lamp of my heart,
Plunger of my toilette.
Your tender kisses smear me with bacteria and viruses,
Surely dark forces gather
To bless such a magical union.

Potential Illogia

user:Gruntled/Pre-operative Heterosexual
user:Gruntled/Rubiks Cuban
user:Gruntled/Special Persons Invite Club, that is what I'm talking about
user:Gruntled/Rapture

?

http://alpha61.com/primenumbershittingbear/

Dimmy Be Bop and the Goat Blowers

Fish have fins, and Finns have fish. If that doesn't blow your mind, well, I don't know what to say.

Reality: Is everything made of numbers?

26 September 2012 by Amanda Gefter Magazine issue 2884. Subscribe and save Dig deep enough into the fabric of reality and you eventually hit a seam of pure mathematics

Read more: "Special issue: What is reality?"

WHEN Albert Einstein finally completed his general theory of relativity in 1916, he looked down at the equations and discovered an unexpected message: the universe is expanding.

Einstein didn't believe the physical universe could shrink or grow, so he ignored what the equations were telling him. Thirteen years later, Edwin Hubble found clear evidence of the universe's expansion. Einstein had missed the opportunity to make the most dramatic scientific prediction in history.

How did Einstein's equations "know" that the universe was expanding when he did not? If mathematics is nothing more than a language we use to describe the world, an invention of the human brain, how can it possibly churn out anything beyond what we put in? "It is difficult to avoid the impression that a miracle confronts us here," wrote physicist Eugene Wigner in his classic 1960 paper "The unreasonable effectiveness of mathematics in the natural sciences" (Communications on Pure and Applied Mathematics, vol 13, p 1).

The prescience of mathematics seems no less miraculous today. At the Large Hadron Collider at CERN, near Geneva, Switzerland, physicists recently observed the fingerprints of a particle that was arguably discovered 48 years ago lurking in the equations of particle physics.

How is it possible that mathematics "knows" about Higgs particles or any other feature of physical reality? "Maybe it's because math is reality," says physicist Brian Greene of Columbia University, New York. Perhaps if we dig deep enough, we would find that physical objects like tables and chairs are ultimately not made of particles or strings, but of numbers.

"These are very difficult issues," says philosopher of science James Ladyman of the University of Bristol, UK, "but it might be less misleading to say that the universe is made of maths than to say it is made of matter."

Difficult indeed. What does it mean to say that the universe is "made of mathematics"? An obvious starting point is to ask what mathematics is made of. The late physicist John Wheeler said that the "basis of all mathematics is 0 = 0". All mathematical structures can be derived from something called "the empty set", the set that contains no elements. Say this set corresponds to zero; you can then define the number 1 as the set that contains only the empty set, 2 as the set containing the sets corresponding to 0 and 1, and so on. Keep nesting the nothingness like invisible Russian dolls and eventually all of mathematics appears. Mathematician Ian Stewart of the University of Warwick, UK, calls this "the dreadful secret of mathematics: it's all based on nothing" (New Scientist, 19 November 2011, p 44). Reality may come down to mathematics, but mathematics comes down to nothing at all.

That may be the ultimate clue to existence - after all, a universe made of nothing doesn't require an explanation. Indeed, mathematical structures don't seem to require a physical origin at all. "A dodecahedron was never created," says Max Tegmark of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. "To be created, something first has to not exist in space or time and then exist." A dodecahedron doesn't exist in space or time at all, he says - it exists independently of them. "Space and time themselves are contained within larger mathematical structures," he adds. These structures just exist; they can't be created or destroyed.

That raises a big question: why is the universe only made of some of the available mathematics? "There's a lot of math out there," Greene says. "Today only a tiny sliver of it has a realisation in the physical world. Pull any math book off the shelf and most of the equations in it don't correspond to any physical object or physical process."

It is true that seemingly arcane and unphysical mathematics does, sometimes, turn out to correspond to the real world. Imaginary numbers, for instance, were once considered totally deserving of their name, but are now used to describe the behaviour of elementary particles; non-Euclidean geometry eventually showed up as gravity. Even so, these phenomena represent a tiny slice of all the mathematics out there.

Not so fast, says Tegmark. "I believe that physical existence and mathematical existence are the same, so any structure that exists mathematically is also real," he says.

So what about the mathematics our universe doesn't use? "Other mathematical structures correspond to other universes," Tegmark says. He calls this the "level 4 multiverse", and it is far stranger than the multiverses that cosmologists often discuss. Their common-or-garden multiverses are governed by the same basic mathematical rules as our universe, but Tegmark's level 4 multiverse operates with completely different mathematics.

All of this sounds bizarre, but the hypothesis that physical reality is fundamentally mathematical has passed every test. "If physics hits a roadblock at which point it turns out that it's impossible to proceed, we might find that nature can't be captured mathematically," Tegmark says. "But it's really remarkable that that hasn't happened. Galileo said that the book of nature was written in the language of mathematics - and that was 400 years ago."

If reality isn't, at bottom, mathematics, what is it? "Maybe someday we'll encounter an alien civilisation and we'll show them what we've discovered about the universe," Greene says. "They'll say, 'Ah, math. We tried that. It only takes you so far. Here's the real thing.' What would that be? It's hard to imagine. Our understanding of fundamental reality is at an early stage."

Amanda Gefter is a writer and New Scientist consultant based in Boston, Massachusetts

==

What does it mean to say that the universe is "made of mathematics"? An obvious starting point is to ask what mathematics is made of. The late physicist John Wheeler said that the "basis of all mathematics is 0 = 0". All mathematical structures can be derived from something called "the empty set", the set that contains no elements. Say this set corresponds to zero; you can then define the number 1 as the set that contains only the empty set, 2 as the set containing the sets corresponding to 0 and 1, and so on. Keep nesting the nothingness like invisible Russian dolls and eventually all of mathematics appears. Mathematician Ian Stewart of the University of Warwick, UK, calls this "the dreadful secret of mathematics: it's all based on nothing" (New Scientist, 19 November 2011, p 44). Reality may come down to mathematics, but mathematics comes down to nothing at all.

http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg21528840.800-reality-is-everything-made-of-numbers.html

Salmonella, Warrior Princess... or something like that

Possibly incorporate (hah!) Nonexistent Man, and perhaps some other yet to be created characters.

By activating a Chinese appropriation of noodles and brimstone, theorists at CERN played marbles early into the morning. Although the majority had been drinking, only two were passed out, taped together at the waist, back to back and covered in bicycles.

Origin Story

Not radiation or in a jungle.

“All the world's major religions, with their emphasis on love, compassion, patience, tolerance, and forgiveness can and do promote inner values. But the reality of the world today is that grounding ethics in religion is no longer adequate. This is why I am increasingly convinced that the time has come to find a way of thinking about spirituality and ethics beyond religion altogether.”

~ Dalai Lama

Invisible Monsters

by Chuck Palahniuk

           It’s funny, but when you think about it even the biggest tragic fire is just a sustained chemical reaction.  The oxidation of Joan of Arc. -pg 15

           …no matter how much you think you love somebody, you’ll step back when the pool of their blood edges up too close. -pg 15

           And married people always think love is the answer. -35

           Hysteria is impossible without an audience.  -50

           The future is just wasted on some people.  -100

           When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat.  -100

           When we don’t know who to hate we hate ourselves.  -104

           Nothing of me is original.  I am the combined effort of everybody I’ve ever known.  -104

           Game shows are designed to make us feel better about the random, useless facts that are all we have left of our education. -103

           Your being born makes your parents God.  You owe them your life, and they can control you.  Then puberty makes you Satan, just because you want something better. -175

           … your folks are like God.  You love them and want to make them happy, but you still want to make up your own rules. -203

           First your parents, they give you your life, but then they try to give you their life.  -210

           If I can’t be beautiful, I want to be invisible.  -214

           The world is your cradle and your trap.  -219

           Your past is just a story.  And once you realize this it has no power over you.  -adapted

           “New carpet,” Denver [Manus] says, “will exude poisonous formaldehyde for up to two years after it’s been laid.”

           Brandy says, “I know that feeling” -230

           Everybody here thinks the whole story is about them.  Definitely that goes for everybody in the world.  -272

           I wanted the everyday reassurance of being mutilated.  The way a crippled deformed birth-defected disfigured girl can drive her car with the windows open and not car how the wind makes her hair look, that’s the kind of freedom I was after.

           I was tired of staying a lower life form just because of my looks.  Trading on them.  Cheating.  Never getting anything real accomplished, but getting the attention and recognition anyway.  Trapped in a beauty ghetto is how I felt.  Stereotyped.  Robbed of my motivation.

           In this way, Shane, we are very much brother and sister.  This is the biggest mistake I could think would save me.  I wanted to give up the idea that I had any control  Shake things up.  To be saved by chaos.  To  see if I could cope, I wanted to force myself to grow again.  To explode my comfort zone. -286

           This makeover would make piercing and tattoos and brandings look so lame, all those little fashion revolts so safe that they themselves only become fashionable.  Those little paper tiger attempts to reject looking good that only end up reinforcing it.  -287

http://jacaller.home.mindspring.com/quote/IM.htm

CheeseBob SwissPants

CheeseBob SwissPants is a main partially-fictional character in the animated television series CheeseBob SwissPants. He is voiced by Remo Williams and first appeared on television in the series' pilot episode "A Slow, Torturous Death By Tourette's Syndrome" on February 29, 1999. CheeseBob was created and designed by fluoroscopist Josef Aluminium in retaliation for the insult suffered by the slovenly tirebiters of latter Coventry by irate basketball fans from Colorado. Aluminium intended to create a series about an over-optimistic wedge of Swiss cheese, clad in alpine clothing and dragging one of those big, huge horns the Swiss carry around everywhere they go. Aluminium compared the concept to the work of Carl Jung, styled on the concept of a sinister idiot, hapless and yet somehow effective in his constant task of filling replacing barrels of whiskey with out-of-date cheeses, primarily Swill and Jarlsberg

. As he drew the character, he decided that a "squeaky-clean square" (like a kitchen sponge) fits the concept. His name is derived from "Bob the Sponge", the host of Aluminium 's comic strip The Intertidal Zone that he originally drew in 1989 while studying at the California Institute of Arts. CheeseBob is a naïve and goofy sea sponge who works as a fry cook in the fictional underwater town of Bikini Bottom.

CheeseBob has achieved popularity with both children and adults, though he has been involved in public controversy.[2] The character appeared in a We Are Family Foundation video promoting tolerance, which was criticized by James Dobson of Focus on the Family because of the foundation's link to hamster domination play.

Slappywag

“Lady Jane Grey studied Greek and Latin and was beheaded after a few days.”

The purpose of a slappywag in the Republic of Petoria is to provide comfort and indulge the slightest whim for his/her Liege

Peter: Barkeep, petro nemo slappywag. That's Petorian for "More beer, you slappywag." Horace: You still owe me for the other rounds, which comes to fifty bucks. Peter: I'm a foreign diplomat. I don't pay for drinks. Do you think G. Gordon Liddy paid for his drinks while he was strangling people with piano wire for the good of our nation?

See Also

http://www.tvfanatic.com/quotes/barkeep-petro-nemo-slappywag-thats-petorian-for-more-beer-yo/

Read more: http://www.tvfanatic.com/quotes/barkeep-petro-nemo-slappywag-thats-petorian-for-more-beer-yo/#ixzz1llKMG0OD

Pointlessness as a lifestyle

Somebody has the right idea; a website devoted to pointlessness

Interrobang

The interrobang, interabang, ‽ (often represented by ?! or !?), is a nonstandard punctuation mark used in various written languages and intended to combine the functions of the question mark (also called the “interrogative point”) and the exclamation mark or exclamation point (known in printers’ jargon as the “bang”). The glyph is a superimposition of these two marks. It is present in Unicode as U+203D ‽ interrobang.

http://armorgames.com/play/12745/this-is-the-only-level-3

Nice word

glabella n. the space between the eyebrows

cejijunto n. a person with one long continuous eyebrow

perpilocutionist n. one who expounds on a subject of which he has little knowledge

In a Word

Posted in Language by Greg Ross on January 20th, 2012

akrasia n. weakness of will

“I see and praise what is better, but follow what is worse.” — Ovid

nemophilist n. one who is fond of the forest

chiminage n. a toll for passage through a forest

aprication n. basking in the sun

typhlophile n. a helper of the blind

ecdemolagnia n. lustfulness when one is away from home

kumatage n. “A bright appearance in the horizon, under the sun or moon, arising from the reflected light of these bodies from the small rippling waves on the surface of the water”

(Nathaniel Bowditch, The New American Practical Navigator, 1837)

Smoova N. a tool that smoovs things. (an Anstiss clan colloquialism)

swasivious adj. agreeably persuasive

logomach n. one who fights over words

obstringe v. to put under obligation

perpession n. the endurance of suffering

patible adj. capable of being endured

longanimity n. patient endurance of hardship

absquatulate v. to leave abruptly

nake v. to make naked

scacchic adj. pertaining to chess

overslaugh n. to pass over in favor of another

calamistrate v. to curl the hair

fubsy adj. somewhat fat and squat

pyknic adj. short and fat

rusticate v. to spend time in the country

juvenescent adj. becoming youthful

quiritation n. a cry for help

caliginosity n. darkness

noctivagous adj. wandering at night

anonymuncle n. a petty, anonymous writer

criticaster n. a minor or incompetent critic

mendaciloquent adj. able to tell skilled or artful lies

olitory adj. produced in a kitchen garden

sprezzatura n. the art of making a difficult task appear effortless

curglaff n. the shock felt on first plunging into cold water

quadragesimarian n. one who observes Lent

paraph n. a flourish after a signature

pregustation n. the act of tasting before another

lalochezia n. emotional relief gained by using indecent or vulgar language

Unprepossessing English town names:

   Bishop’s Itchington (verified)
   Brokenborough
   Great Snoring
   Mockbeggar
   Turners Puddle
   Pett Bottom
   Twelveheads
   Ugley
   Nether Wallop
   Nasty
   Wetwang
   Blubberhouses
   Yelling

Cold War Posted in History by Greg Ross on June 21st, 2011

In 1809, the Spanish town of Huéscar declared war on Denmark during the Napoleonic wars over Spain.

The war was forgotten until 1981, when a local historian discovered the declaration.

In 172 years of warfare, not a single person had been killed or injured.

There was a young man from Darjeeling Who got on a bus bound for Ealing; It said at the door: “Don’t spit on the floor,” So he carefully spat on the ceiling.

– Anonymous

Said Plato: “These things that we feel Are not ontologically real, But just the excresence Of numinous essence Our senses can never reveal.”

– Basil Ransome-Davies

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” — Oscar Wilde

“As a general rule, nobody has money who ought to have it.” — Benjamin Disraeli

“Our ignorance of history makes us libel our own times. People have always been like this.” — Flaubert

“Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.” — Lewis Carroll

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Button_Gwinnett_Signature.svg

Button Gwinnett was a relatively obscure member of the Continental Congress when he signed the Declaration of Independence in August 1776. Nine months later he was killed in a duel.

That makes his signature one of the most valuable in the world, comparable to those of Julius Caesar and William Shakespeare. Only 51 examples exist. This January it was discovered that he’d signed a Wolverhampton marriage register in 1757, five years before departing England for America. That autograph was valued at £500,000.

Knot Mirage

Posted in Science & Math by Greg Ross on April 16th, 2011

For years Raymond Smullyan sought a “metaparadox,” a statement that is paradoxical if and only if it isn’t. He arrived at this:

Either this sentence is false, or (this sentence is paradoxical if and only if it isn’t).

He wrote, “I leave the proof to the reader.”

More awful poetry

Crunchy nuggets of pain,
siftering from the rafters, clumping on the joistes...
even the eaves are even with the clumps, as thunder rolls.
It becomes moistes

Atomic mass

Atomic mass is a gathering of people for the purpose of worshiping all things atomic.

"At one point early in my career I introduced the northwest ordinance for space and I said when we got -- I think the number is 13,000 -- when we have 13,000 Americans living on the moon they can petition to become a state," (Newt) Gingrich said, telling the crowd this was the "weirdest" thing he has ever done. "And I will as president encourage the introduction of the northwest ordinance for space to put a marker down that we want Americans to think boldly about the future…"

Flooring

Back in the days when people lived like animals, flooring was dirt and shit. This went on for an awfully long time until somebody discovered that stone, although possibly injurious to foot and knee, lasted longer. Then people began making their flooring out of stone, dirt and shit. Then somebody discovered that you don't get as sick when you clean the dirt and shit off occasionally. Thus was the beginning of clean floors.

The Beginning

I know a little bit about flooring, having installed hardwood floors for a time before I came to my senses. One thing I know is that only psychopaths keep installing it past age 50. The dangerous kind of psychopaths, the sneaky ones, who steal your schnapps while you're sleeping with your dog, nice and cozy.

Knowing what I do, you have to keep your ends tight, yet not so much as to kick out the baseboard. Joints are to be kept tight at all times when using NOFMA certified lumber. Oak is best, maple is prettiest, and exotics are deforesting the planet. Wear a respirator when applying finishes and sealers.

See Also

• Planking

Category:Things my dad said or might have said in this or an alternative universe and/or timeline

Suvana bitch

Goddamnshit

Krise

Scream the paint

Shalom, you bitch!

Take a reading

Cot sucker

This article is burly men unfolding umbrellas.   Maybe you should help it on its way.

Yozzle Fnonk

(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: "Vi har sparket fra Ikkepedia"
Anthem: ÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅ ÅÅÅÅÅÅ ÅÅÅÅÅÅÅ
File:IllogiWorld.png
Capital	Bensonberg
Largest city	Bensonberg
Official languages	Norwegian
Government	Democracy
Prime Minister	{{{prime_minister}}}
National Hero(es)	Oscar Wilde
Currency	Uncyclokroners
Religion	Wildeism
Population	5,000
Area	500 sq miles
Population density	10 per sq mile
Ethnic groups	Norwegian
Major exports	Norwegian Uncyclopedia Wikis on editthis.com
Major imports	Everything
National animal	Oscar Wilde
Favourite pastime	Crying over being exiled from Uncyclopedia
Opening hours	{{{Opening_Hours}}}
Internet tld	.uncnrwy
Calling code	1232121

Yoz is a modern country sandwiched between Pennsylvania and Furistan at latitude 360, longitude 876. The current democratic Satanic event-driven table-based nation of untold numbers of autocrats is loosely based on the ancient kingdom of Axolotl and it's satellite states of Pequod and Bejesus. Since Jurassic times, when the Christian Science Monitor still had a wide readership, Yozians have always stood up for the underdog, chewed coca leaves and marched to the beat of a different monkey.

See also

• Yoz
• Pancake Chicken
• Wrongful Monkey Suit
• Bat fuck thought experiment

The user who lives in my beard

Many programmers, analysts and those of such ilk are stereotyped as user-haters.

Bongo Fury

Pork butt?

Bongo Fury is the third Bee Gees collaboration with Frank Zappa, originally recorded on a sailboat docked somewhere near the Caymans. Front man Newt Gingrich was called in at the last second to substitute for Ray White, the assistant Illinois Enema Bandit.

Owl pellets

The basis for the owl pellet based economy, to be redundant, yet again.

Quotes

“The universe is the only known universe in the universe.”

~ Neil deGrasse-Tyson on the problem with speculating about other universes

“It's starting to really not snow at all out there.”

~ zim_ulatrix on on the weather at the moment

How not to be a dummy for dummies

A book about critical thinking for idiots

Chapter 1

Define a fact and explain why a fact is always true.

Retractable Landing Gear Week

A sacred celebration of confusteredness held on the third crack of grumbly, and taken seriously by the governments of North America, Europe and Antarctica. Celebrating the invention of retractable landing gear is the event at the center of this controversial holiday week, but some fringe elements believe in feral leprechauns roaming the cities of New Jersey.

Precepts are invited to show up early for nuptial unguents, and the rest of you scum may arrive when ready.

Garrulous dregs

Dimmy BeBop and the Shit Twisters began that nights set as always; a house vodka and a Chivas back. Freddie was fiddling with his machine heads, as usual, knowing that crooked old bass would never tune proper. Cassie dragged deeply from a joint of what tasted like Kind bud. "Rosins up the vocal chords", she likes to say. Only she pronounced it, "Cads", like they say in New England. Punkie smelled of olives, cheese, and brine shrimp, his cologne du jour. Rounding out at the moment was Gaston Pilchard, a bone fide New Orleans jazz trumpeter, supposedly, but certainly witnessed to be a gifted guitarist. That was beyond dispute.

In Memoriam Bruce Sullivan 1958 - 1971?

Goom java!