Leo Tolstoy

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Leo Tolstoy was born on a 2d line and began writing at the age of seven. He wrote looooooooooooong sentances. He then began wring loooooooooong novels. In fact, his novels are soooooooo loooooong that it would take eternity to read them. There have been many attempts. The US Army invented a time proof vault to see if it could really be done. Albert Einstein predicted it could be done. But it couldn't.

He wrote with a loooong pen and sat on a very high stool. It was so high he couldn't reach his loooong notepad. He once said about his long equipment "Everything was so long. I could not see the paper I was so far up. Looking back on it, I think my head was touching the edge of the universe." Long Leo Tolstoy.

Leo as an old man

His name being a byword for being long, Tolstoy has been used in many quips and smart-ass remarks. Such as... "Oh you so Leo'd!!" or "U R L" on internet forums. Leo's long winkle seems to be an ever lasting icon, with its own t-shirts, mugs and plush toys. Until Richard Branson brought the rights to the term "Leo's winkle" and used it on his hot air balloon in 1994.

His close friend Professor Longford said "I couldn't deal with him. He was constantly poking my eyes out."

Racism[edit | edit source]

Throughout his life he had to endure prejudice and hatred from people shorter than him. But he managed to pull through, getting a job as a walking stick. But in 1872 his house got egged by Russian boy scouts. This incident was later attributed by modern psychologists to "Penis envy."

Used for some one else's suicide[edit | edit source]

Then shortly before his death a "fan" jumped out of the crowd and ran into Leo, thereby splitting himself in half. Leo famously said at a press conference: "I feel quite privileged to have been the tool to end a strangers life."

Critiscm[edit | edit source]

Dr Mike Fishbone said "This is the longest load of shit I've ever laid eyes on." The comment was made after attempting to read War and Peace. His eyes had fallen out and his bodily functions ceased. I'm a poet and I don't know it!!

Modern critics say that Leo's novels are so long, you couldn't fit them into a small box. Which is a BIG truism. Others say his work is a masterpiece, its just that you cant read it.

War and peace[edit | edit source]

Most people read a few sentences of war and peace and then just give up. Mainly because the longness of it all makes them feel like they're being hit on the head repeatedly by a long apple tied to Thor's hammer. Quite understandably.

The Mass grave digging of 1978 was attributed to the book's rise in popularity. It was so bad, the gravediggers went on strike.

Leo, playing ball with his estranged husband.

Anatomy[edit | edit source]

Scientists (those men in white suits) have long been astounded by Leo's anatomy. A post mortem revealed he had no innards whatsoever and he was made entirely of a previously unknown molecule. This molecule was so completely out-of-the-reach-of-all-human-knowledge, that they had to abandon the whole thing and have several Kit Kats.

Albert Einstein thought he could solve it. He couldn't.

Death[edit | edit source]

Leo was so long by the end of his long, long, long life spanning several centuries, that his coffin was too long to fit on the face of the earth. The earth, not knowing what was going on, split in two. The apocalypse had come.

Legacy[edit | edit source]

He was so well known by the time of death, that even god commented on him...

Jesus Christ, THAT GUY WAS LONG!!”

~ God on Leo Tolstoy
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Allen GinsbergAldous HuxleyAmphioxusAnonymousAyn RandBram StokerC. S. LewisCharles BukowskiDr. SeussDonna TarttDouglas AdamsEdward Bulwer-LyttonFrancis E. DecFranz KafkaJoseph Sheridan Le FanuG. Samuel BlogGeorge HamburgH. P. LovecraftHardwick FundlebuggyHomerHunter S ThompsonJ. D. SalingerJ.K. RowlingJack KerouacJohn MiselstoneLeo TolstoyLeonardo da VinciLewis CarrollMichael MaryllianR. J. PalacioR. L. StineShirley JacksonTheodor AdornoTheodore John KaczynskiVictor HugoWilliam S. BurroughsWilliam Shakespeare

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