Jesse Morrin
| Jesse Morrin is a fictional character created entirely for the purposes of being hilarious, not a real person as it would first seem. The original author of this page should be paid his credit as creator of Jesse Morrin, but the Commons Creative Licence doesn’t allow for it. Damn it! |
“Oh, man, how I envy that Jesse Morrin. I don’t know who on earth he is but he sounds pretty awesome.”
“I CREATED HIM!! I OWN HIM! The rights to him are MINE!!”
“That Jesse Morrin is some character. I guess whoever created him must be living the high life, what, kicking off his shoes each day after work to watch his 80-inch plasma TV and to play his Playstation 3 and X-Box 360 simultaneously… but not the Wii, because the Wii sucks, and whoever created Jesse Morrin is a legend.”
Jesse Morrin is the most awesome human being ever to grace God’s green Earth. He is a rebel, an entertainer, and an expert at all fields of science. He has never lost a fight. In the battle between Chuck Norris and Mr. T, he stepped in and defeated both!
The History of Jesse Morrin[edit | edit source]
Jesse Morrin was born in an RPG, but quickly outgrew this and moved up to an FPS. He became skilled in handling guns, and then assassinated Kennedy. He was hired by God as a hit man, whacking Graham Kennedy, Bert Newton, and Seth MacFarlane all in his first day. His career came to an end when, in his last mission to protect Jesus from Hitler, he was called away by nature (wink wink). Jesus died and Hitler had few drinks.
Ashamed, but not for very long, Jesse Morrin then went on to create South Park, a show that would make history. Trey Parker and Matt Stone bought the idea of him, and Jesse decided to start a new show, Family Guy. He scripted all 500 episodes himself, but sold them to Fox for ten bucks and a few Cuban cigars. Using his newfound creative skills, Jesse invented Matt Groening, who would make classic shows like Three’s Company, Hey Hey It’s Saturday and Jim Henson’s Fun Variety Hour (a.k.a “the Muppets".)
Jesse was at a high point in is life. His latest achievement has been to implement the Statue of Liberty Destruction Regime, a regime set up to help destroy national landmarks, as well as create a little competition for the Chasers. He now works as part of the Justice League of America, where he is honing his Super Powers and making fun of the communists because they wear funny clothes.
Jesse and Famous People[edit | edit source]
Jesse Morrin, being the kick-ass big shot he is, knows many famous people. Among others, Godzilla, Chuck Norris, Bill Gates and the other stereotypes (Mr. T, Spongebob Squarepants, God) are all close friends and enemies of Jesse Morrin.
Jesse Morrin and Godzilla[edit | edit source]
Jesse Morrin knows Godzilla very well. Rumours are they went to high school together, but this is untrue as Jesse Morrin needed no education. They used to be flatmates while Jesse was living in an apartment in Nevada. When Godzilla was called away to destroy Tokyo, Jesse left the apartment. When Godzilla returned, he was shocked to find Jesse was no longer living there. The truth is, Jesse and Godzilla are good friends, but they don’t return each others calls or wash each others dishes… anymore.
Jesse Morrin and Chuck Norris[edit | edit source]
Jesse Morrin loves a good fight, often resorting violence at the drop of a hat. In one of his better battles, Jesse squared off against Chuck Norris, the poor man’s Sylvester Stallone, who is believed to be the manliest man alive dues to a small Internet following. In his battle against the original Texas Ranger, Jesse was given a gun – bad idea, as Jesse is extremely well adjusted to using firearms. Norris went down at the first second, after breaking out into a sweat and collapsing due to the shock of being in the presence of Jesse Morrin. Norris and Morrin are now good friends, but Norris lives in fear that Morrin will strike from under his bed and kill him.
Jesse and the Chimera[edit | edit source]
He came. He saw. He slaughtered. ‘Nuf said.
Jesse and Darth Sidious[edit | edit source]
For a brief period in 1980, Jesse was one of Darth Sidious’s possible Apprentice’s. However, when it came time to pick an apprentice, Darth Sidious forgot to put on his contact lenses and picked Darth Vader because he was big and black. Jesse was far superior to Vader, but due to being surrounded by the light of his own awesomeness, Jesse was never seen. Interesting story, actually – Jar Jar was a potential Apprentice but Vader killed him at the front door. Jesse had nothing to do with the atrocious new Star Wars trilogy (that’s the one without Ronald Reagan.) He did, however, send some nice hate mail to George Lucas.
Jesse and the Grue[edit | edit source]
I don't know how the fuck this happened. All I know is, a Grue tried to kill Jesse Morrin - needless to say, it succeeded! OMG!! But Jesse was reborn. It was still pretty scary because... OMFG, a Grue!! Look out!! AUUGGHHH!!!! Uh, I'm dead now.
“You just got owned, foo'!”
Jesse in Fiction[edit | edit source]
Since Jesse is a fictional character, you’d be surprised how many references to him have come up in the past few months!! For instance, some n00b from Illogicopedia did an article about him. But that’s not all – he also participated in the Olympics!! Though someone may need to cite that source because I.P. Freely doesn’t sound like a very reliable source.
Relationships[edit | edit source]
Jesse has never been involved in a serious relationship in any way. He had a homosexual attraction to one of the Beatles once, but it passed. He was involved in the O.J. Simpson Trial, as the defendant’s spiritual guide, but again this relationship didn’t last too long. He went out with Paris Hilton for three months, but after posing nude for her in their French love nest, she broke up.
Because of this humiliation, Jesse wrote the Life in Hell comic strip featuring Akbar and Jeff that confronted nudity. The comic strip Life in Hell then sunk underground and never came back up, mostly because it wasn’t even remotely funny and because it was by Three’s Company creator Matt Groening.
Trivia You May Not Want To Know, But Should[edit | edit source]
- Jesse Morrin loves in-jokes. Jokes like how Al Jean thinks that Family Guy stole The Simpsons book of jokes.
- Jesse Morrin also loves penguins. Killing them, that is.
- As you know, Jesse Morin is a fictional character created by the government to implant into Illogicopedia, until he has such a following he replaces all standard nonsense material that amuses you for 49 times then the 50th time its just plain boring.
Jesse Morrin Quotes[edit | edit source]
“Yeah, I wrote it. What’s it to you?”
“It’s lonely alright. So lonely, I feel like kicking it in the skull for being such a wimp!”
“What a stupid show!!”
“I ate him!”
“That game has won my seal of approval, but for what it’s worth, I’d play it again and give it a slightly lower rating.”
“I’ll have what she’s having.”
