Peru

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Peru (also known as the Republic of Peru, República del Perú, and Lima Land), is an over-sized, Squidward-shaped country feasting within the western fringes of South America. Lima, is the anti-capital of the country in question (pronounced LEE mah, not Lie mah, you douche. Peru is renowned for it's crazy roller-coaster-ridden landscape, and it's dramatic changes in climate throughout the regions that stretch like a rubber cheese slinky from the golden beaches of Lima, to the cold, remote Andes Mountains akin to Jupiter's frozen shit. Peru is, without exception, home to an overdosed haven of Indian Curry Munchers packed into a tiny plastic container that is compacted in between Ecuador and Chile. Hell, if Brazil got any fatter, that country would have the capability to butt-blast Peru into the South Pacific Ocean like a monochromatic turd falling out of a cardboard box. Additionally, people who live in Peru LOVE fishing more than anything else, but they dedicate their precious time hurting widdle fissies primarily because the country is poor, and Mr. Krabs washes up on the sand and rampages throughout the adjacent regions; stealing the economies' copper, lead, silver, and zinc on a regular basis like the fucking Jew that he is. Peru came into being when a scrawny cartoonist named Francisco Pizarro set foot on the countries' baffling zig-zag soil in the 16th century. He pwned the Inca Indians by screaming a profane, yet courageous statement, that brought sophisticated supremacy into the nation. And nothing of value was lost.


“Get The Fuck Out!”

~ Francisco Pizarro, introducing himself to the Inca Indians.


Government[edit]

Peru has OVER 9000 11 constitutions, as of 1821. The latest constitution being put into effect during 1933. There are 24 departments throughout Peru, each one is zit-ridden. Might I add that you should never fuck with the Peruvian Armed Forces, they will cannibalize you very, very fast, the world record for the fastest consumption of a human body by a Peruvian trooper is approximately 0.232895690 nanoseconds, achieved by Pedro Pablo Nakada Ludeña in 8056 BC. A man named Ana Jara Velásquez is the current Prime Minister of Peru, and bosses every American-Born Confused Desi in the nation like a speck of truncated dirt. Stop whispering about Peru...

The People[edit]

30 million towel-heads are crammed into Peru as of today. 55% of said Peruvians live in the cheesy, self-loathing cities and towns, the remaining 45% are sexually-confused, who play Hockey in the rice fields while pretending to imitate grasshoppers, it's a historical tradition among these civilians. Lima has over 7 million boys and girls, surprising isn't it? A term exists specifically in Peru, which denotes the offspring of a Spaniard and an Indian. A person that fits such criteria, is called a mestizo. About 43% of all Peruvians are mestizos. Damn those Inigo Montoya clones.

¿Quieres ver mi colección de consoladores ?

~ Typical Peruvian question.

Mestizos have the special ability to wear radical clothing. If you see one, befriend him/her/it, and steal his/her/it's clothes once the mestizo gains your trust. Remember to introduce him to the Spanish Illogicopedia, as this will send the mestizo into a state of unconsciousness. Let's face it, Peruvians don't browse on this website, right?

History[edit]

Like with all countries in the Americas, ancient Indians inhabited the land and regions for thousands of years prior to European discovery. While Indians colonized Peru, they would spend countless hours mixing thousands of flavors of ice cream with the God-forsaken, unholy Purple cheese of the Andes Mountains. This was an attempt at finding the sacred pathway to their Super Shoes. Super Shoes were regarded as an ancient treasure for centuries throughout the tribes of medieval Peru. Albeit, noone in the empire was capable of finding and located the secret of the millennium, which was later proven to be a mere myth. The Inca Indians explained this to Mr. Pizarro in 1520, where the Spaniards laughed callously in their faces, pushed them aside, and began to set out plans to take the country for themselves.

Many years later, "foreigners" started up something called the War of Independence, which was a failed attempt at trying to exterminate Europeans throughout the whole of South America. Shit got real when Peru became the main target for assault. The two main perpetrators of this hilarious, Wikipedia-worthy battle were José de San Martín and Simón Bolívar. Using their gayness and platonic love for one another, they joined together and formed an offensive alliance that aimed towards eliminating Spanish rule throughout South America. This bullshit carried on for 15 years, it took long enough for the Spanish to realize that they were screwed from the start, spending WAY too much time juggling bottles of milk on Sundays. A bunch of other stuff involving bananas happened, and then everyone died. The end.

Asides from that, Peru doesn't have much history, the rest is boring.

La Galería de la Vergüenza ![edit]