Ayn Rand

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“Your lovin' don't pay my bills. Now gimme money. It's a crime. Share it fairly but don't take a slice of my Miss American Pie. Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry. There is unrest in the forest. There is trouble with the trees. Attention all Planets of the Solar Federation. Attention all Planets of the Solar Federation. Attention all Planets of the Solar Federation. We have assumed control. We have assumed control. We have assumed control.”

~ Every Rock Band Ever on Ayn Rand

Ayn Rand is an asskicking Goddess of the Free Market and comic book superheroine. Once a member of the Justice League, she felt her amazing superpowers to create wealth and prosperity and kick ass were too awesome to be used in the service of the League, so she separated herself from them in the early 20th century determining to use her superpowers only for herself, because she kicks ass. She played a major role in several major comic book story arcs, mostly combating threats to the safety of the United States of Lesse Faire Capitalism by Communist Zombies.

She is now a prominent member of the Justice Heroes of America, which she funds with her amazingly unlimited supply of moneys, but wants to make absolutely clear that her activities as a superhero are not undertaken for the benefit of any of the people being saved but strictly because she feels like doing it.

Ayn Rand proves once and for all that having money is, in fact, a superpower.

I, the Dead[edit | edit source]

I, the Dead is the origin story of the Ayn Rand character, in which Communist Zombies invading America and eating everyone on Wall Street. A teenage Ayn Rand discovers her latent metahuman superpowered abilities to turn the zombies back into individuals and she presents them with such lucrative investment opportunities that they are turned into successful entrepreneurs and Wall Street, despite having been invaded by zombies, continues business as usual.

“Who is Ayn Rand?”

At Them[edit | edit source]

Ayn Rand is put in cryo-stasis until the year 2112, where she awakens in a post-apocalyptic future where the iPod, iPad, iPhone and every other electronic device starting with the letter "i" has been forgotten. She participates in a revolution which overthrows the gaytarded Socialist government which has been suppressing the knowledge of how to use these devices and enables all the people to be able to listen to their own music with headphones if they want. She then discovers a time portal back to the present day

The Fountaindead[edit | edit source]

On returning to the present after the events of At Them, Ayn Rand discovers that the Communist Zombies have returned due to the interference of the evil Dr. Marcel Duchamp, a Communist sympathizer. His "Readymade Machine," a superweapon powered by a urinal, has been creating all the Communist Zombies which have been invading America and eating the individuality out of everyone's brains. With the help of United States military forces under the command of Senator-turned-General Joseph McCarthy, Rand gradually pushes the Zombie hordes back into Soviet Russia via Alaska, where she gets additional help from Governor Sarah Palin, a scientist who discovered the internal combustion engine. The noise of American automobiles apparently has a weakening affect on Communist Zombies, especially the really big, expensive automobiles that burn lots and lots of fuel, creating lots and lots of exhaust.

At Last, Drugged[edit | edit source]

After averting the Communist Zombie crisis, Ayn Rand is ready to relax. But the fact that some people believe in God pissed her off, so she decided that her and the entire Libertarian party would go on strike for the next four years, which resulted in the election of Barrack Obama. This screws the country up really bad, till finally all the lights of New York go out. But then John Gault invents Reardon Metal which he uses to make a ton of metal clubs which the Libertarians then use to bash in the skulls of all the socialists and Communist sympathizers in the entire country and even a few stray Communist Zombies that were missed in the previous episodes. After having saved the United States from certain disaster and doom, Rand and all her followers take a vacation in Canada to go see a Rush concert where they play Halley's Fifth Concerto in her honor. She gets a backstage pass to the after-party where she chills with Aristotle and Rush Limbaugh who form their own horrorcore rap group called "Right Wing Elephant Posse."

“Freeking markets, how do they work?”

~ Insane Clown Posse on Ayn Rand

Philosophy and legacy[edit | edit source]

Wait, Ayn Rand had a philosophy? Are you sure about this?

(There is a slight pause while we check what's written down on some papers)

Apparently so. Um, yeah. She did. And who the hell is John Galt!?

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Allen GinsbergAldous HuxleyAmphioxusAnonymousAyn RandBram StokerC. S. LewisCharles BukowskiDr. SeussDonna TarttDouglas AdamsEdward Bulwer-LyttonFrancis E. DecFranz KafkaJoseph Sheridan Le FanuG. Samuel BlogGeorge HamburgH. P. LovecraftHardwick FundlebuggyHomerHunter S ThompsonJ. D. SalingerJ.K. RowlingJack KerouacJohn MiselstoneLeo TolstoyLeonardo da VinciLewis CarrollMichael MaryllianR. J. PalacioR. L. StineShirley JacksonTheodor AdornoTheodore John KaczynskiVictor HugoWilliam S. BurroughsWilliam Shakespeare

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