Homer
“"Mr. Plow,
that's my name.
That name again,
is Mr. Plow."
And that son, is why Peracles had to die at the hands of the giant.”
“It's always good to have fans.”
“Did it win?”
“"Tell me, O muse, of that ingenious hero who travelled far and wide after he had sacked the famous town of Troy. Many cities did he visit, and many were the nations with whose manners and customs he was acquainted; moreover he suffered much by sea while trying to save his own life and bring his men safely home; but do what he might he could not save his men, for they perished through their own sheer folly in eating the cattle of the Sun-god Hyperion; so the god prevented them from ever reaching home. Tell me, too, about all these things, O daughter of Jove, from whatsoever source you may know them. So now all who escaped death in battle or by shipwreck had got safely home except Ulysses, and he, though he was longing to return to his wife and country, was detained by the goddess Calypso, who had got him into a large cave and wanted to marry him. But as years went by, there came a time when the gods settled that he should go back to Ithaca; even then, however, when he was among his own people, his troubles were not yet over; nevertheless all the gods had now begun to pity him except Neptune, who still persecuted him without ceasing and would not let him get home. Now Neptune had gone off to the Ethiopians, who are at the world's end, and lie in two halves, the one looking West and the other East. He had gone there to accept a hecatomb of sheep and oxen, and was enjoying himself at his festival; but the other gods met in the house of Olympian Jove, and the sire of gods and men spoke first. At that moment he was thinking of Aegisthus, who had been killed by Agamemnon's son Orestes; so he said to the other gods: "See now, how men lay blame upon us gods for what is after all nothing but their own folly. Look at Aegisthus; he must needs make love to Agamemnon's wife unrighteously and then kill Agamemnon, though he knew it would be the death of him; for I sent Mercury to warn him not to do either of these things, inasmuch as Orestes would be sure to take his revenge when he grew up and wanted to return home. Mercury told him this in all good will but he would not listen, and now he has paid for everything in full." Then Minerva said, "Father, son of Saturn, King of kings, it served Aegisthus right, and so it would any one else who does as he did; but Aegisthus is neither here nor there; it is for Ulysses that my heart bleeds, when I think of his sufferings in that lonely sea-girt island, far away, poor man, from all his friends. It is an island covered with forest, in the very middle of the sea, and a goddess lives there, daughter of the magician Atlas, who looks after the bottom of the ocean, and carries the great columns that keep heaven and earth asunder. This daughter of Atlas has got hold of poor unhappy Ulysses, and keeps trying by every kind of blandishment to make him forget his home, so that he is tired of life, and thinks of nothing but how he may once more see the smoke of his own chimneys. You, sir, take no heed of this, and yet when Ulysses was before Troy did he not propitiate you with many a burnt sacrifice? Why then should you keep on being so angry with him?" And Jove said, "My child, what are you talking about? How can I forget Ulysses than whom there is no more capable man on earth, nor more liberal in his offerings to the immortal gods that live in heaven? Bear in mind, however, that Neptune is still furious with Ulysses for having blinded an eye of Polyphemus king of the Cyclopes. Polyphemus is son to Neptune by the nymph Thoosa, daughter to the sea-king Phorcys; therefore though he will not kill Ulysses outright, he torments him by preventing him from getting home. Still, let us lay our heads together and see how we can help him to return; Neptune will then be pacified, for if we are all of a mind he can hardly stand out against us." And Minerva said, "Father, son of Saturn, King of kings, if, then, the gods now mean that Ulysses should get home, we should first send Mercury to the Ogygian island to tell Calypso that we have made up our minds and that he is to return. In the meantime I will go to Ithaca, to put heart into Ulysses' son Telemachus; I will embolden him to call the Achaeans in assembly, and speak out to the suitors of his mother Penelope, who persist in eating up any number of his sheep and oxen; I will also conduct him to Sparta and to Pylos, to see if he can hear anything about the return of his dear father- for this will make people speak well of him." So saying she bound on her glittering golden sandals, imperishable, with which she can fly like the wind over land or sea; she grasped the redoubtable bronze-shod spear, so stout and sturdy and strong, wherewith she quells the ranks of heroes who have displeased her, and down she darted from the topmost summits of Olympus, whereon forthwith she was in Ithaca, at the gateway of Ulysses' house, disguised as a visitor, Mentes, chief of the Taphians, and she held a bronze spear in her hand. There she found the lordly suitors seated on hides of the oxen which they had killed and eaten, and playing draughts in front of the house. Men-servants and pages were bustling about to wait upon them, some mixing wine with water in the mixing-bowls, some cleaning down the tables with wet sponges and laying them out again, and some cutting up great quantities of meat."”
“Ah feck, too many quotes. Now I actually have to write the damm article”
Homer, or Dave to Trigger out of Only Fools and Horse's, was a Greek philosopher, story teller, admin and nuclear power plant safety inspector. He wrote the Odyssey, some of Anne Frank's diary, and the original edition of Playboy. Being quickly fired from the latter for filling up the magazine with longwinded prose, so much so that only spindly women with A-Cup boobs could fit in the space left.
Biography[edit | edit source]
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Homer was conceived on a cold friday morning, sometime in the distant present. As I will soon go great lengths to describe, at some point the two parents, consensually or necrophelially engaged in wild ravenous passionate sex. Admist the many sperm spilled, Homer somehow found his way to the egg, fertilising in the womb, and burdening his father with a hefty childsupport policy for an intended one night stand. Love of course, hadn't yet been invented back then.
Homer's childhood was a happy one, and within weeks of being born he'd germinated into a small pot plant. Further treats of fertiliser and anabolic steroids helped him make the jump to human, though he never forgot his roots. Which would have been hard seeing as they were protruding out of his arse.
The Odyssey[edit | edit source]
Homer's teenage years passed without incident, only ever once speaking out against his parents, to complain that every parapgraph in this article begins with his name as opposed to the many literary starting points the author could have chosen. For this he was savagely beaten and his stash of Miricle Grow confiscated. Exams passed and soon he was a fully grown man-sunflower hybrid with a secure job at Netto's, and a low rent apartment next to some cannabis in a UV-lit soil-rich basement.
However, around the winter of somewhen things started going against him. He was diagnosed with stem rot, and fired from his post as protagonist at Netto's by Mr.Burns. With a large television family to support, and an expensive oaf habit to maintain he quickly spiralled into depression. The indebted loser was faced with little hope, and even had to pawn off some of his organs to scrape through the winter months.
That's when out of nowhere, he wrote the Oddysey. A literary masterpiece. Homer had it published immediately, the book grossing at over £2, it was a hit. To this day, no one is quite sure how an illiterate manplant crossbreed capable of no independent movement (other than turning to face the sun) managed to write such a fine piece of art.
| Why i wrote the Odyssey? Well I was going through a real bummed out time in my life, I'd been listening to a lot of blues, and things were just slipping away from me. Anyway, one day I was watching loose women, and I looked at myself through the reflection on where Coleen Nolan's soul should be, and I said Homer, you are going to write yourself an ancient epic narrative about the adventures of a Greek soldier. So I put the kettle on and began writing, just like that, all over my son's coursework. And now here we are today. | ||
—Homer, (the Simpson Years: Vol.1) | ||
His son failed biology if you were interested.
Due to a planetary morphology incident the world was now Homer's oyster. He died shortly after, choking on the shell.
Later Works[edit | edit source]
- The Illogic Times: "Local man murdered by shell. Oil seized."
- ......
Lack of Death[edit | edit source]
Despite dying, Homer wasn't in fact dead at all. He didn't die for another two years, before finally not succumbing to natural causes. His family were around him as he finally didn't pass away, blaming his not-death on the years of Bart abuse. The funeral is this Tuesday.
Semi-Post-Humous Achievements[edit | edit source]
Miscellaneous[edit | edit source]
Homer is in no way linked to Homo, which is much funner.
