C. S. Lewis
“C. S. Lewis is more popular than The Beatles!”
Jack Cloven Stapler Lewis a.k.a. Jack "the Giant Killer" Lewis is simultaneously a British Christian superhero and Greek demigod. The inherent contradictions in these two widely disparate roles gives rise to much theological confusion but Lewis, a master of apologetics and beloved role model of whiny nerd-childrens everywhere, always manages to escape these apparent contradictions unscathed. Hailing from the magical land of North Narnia, (also called "the Northernness") this former Oxford don crusades with his mighty Sword of Caspian to save the world from evil, especially the poison of subjectivism. Swashbuckling, lecturing on literature and taming magical lions are all in a days work for C. S. Lewis.
Lewis was a founding member of the Inklings superhero team, which was the British equivalent of the Justice Heroes of America until the JHA actually amended their full official name to be "The Justice Heroes of Anglo-America" specifically so that British superheroes could join. The "Anglo-" is actually there wherever the JHA's name is written, it's just too microscopically small for anyone to see because British people don't matter because they're not Americans.
Superpowers[edit | edit source]
- Sword of Caspian: C. S. Lewis oft eschews using his superpowers, as they are too magical for his tastes, preferring to rely on his Sword of Caspian to beat the crap out of all enemies by sheer brute force alone. Not withstanding, the following superpowers have also been observed:
- Wardrobe of Illusions: Lewis has the power to generate illusions by calling upon powerful imagery and symbolism, effectively turning the imaginations of others to his advantage. This often utilizes his magical Narnian Wardrobe of magicalness.
- Demon summoning: Lewis seems to have the power to summon the demons Screwtape and Wormwood to do his bidding. This doesn't always work out the way he planned, however, and seems to be a somewhat contradictory action for a Christian superhero to undertake, but what the heck, it's just too awesome to not do.
- Blatant miracles of supernaturalism: You know, the kind of stuff Jesus does. Moving mountains, raising dead people to life (not as zombies but as healthy alive people) you know that kind of stuff.
- Brexit Self-explanatory.
Weaknesses[edit | edit source]
- Chronological snobbery: C. S. Lewis's one weakness is a variant of the genetic fallacy, briefly stated as "new therefore true." His powers can thus by stopped by freezing him in a time lock and moving the calendar forward until his arguments appear to have fallen into irrelevance. However, he can sometimes overcome this weakness by sheer awesomeness and foresight.
Arch-Enemies[edit | edit source]
Lewis's arch-enemies are the Conditioners, a terrorist organization intent on wiping out humanity with "the poison of subjectivism." This lethal poison, they spread throughout Western prep schools through propagandized curriculum that can by identified by it's green color. Their leaders are Gaius and Titius, a set of evil twins intent on breaking the natural laws of nature and abolishing mankind. But thanks to C. S. Lewis, the Conditioners are stopped dead in their tracks every time.
Other arch enemies include J. R. R. Tolkien and Charles Williams, who he absolutely refused to have anything whatsoever to do with. They were never really even on speaking terms after one conversation in which they all really pissed each other off.
Previous Life and Death[edit | edit source]
Jack was actually the reincarnation of Lewis Carroll. He was killed while attempting to use magic to stop the bullet that killed John F. Kennedy, but returned to life after three days.