G. Samuel Blog
G. (Gehosephat) Samuel Blog (b. 1858, d. January 14, 1875), is known for pioneering the remotely-editable blog in 1874, spurring centuries of innovation in people's ability to post inane bullshit about nothing everywhere.
Blog – notably, the term was not named after him, the duplicity being just a simple coincidence – was an emotionally unstable teenager in the now-defunct rural town of Thislethwait, England, when he began experimenting with blogs, an ancient form of drivel publication. However, his parents had sent him to a boarding school in London after he repeatedly dyed his hair in printers' ink and insisted on being called "Sam the Sad Raven."
Blog, desperate to update his few friends still in Thistlethwait, soon devised a way to remotely update his blog. By using a derelict catapult on his boarding school's campus to launch a lightweight midget classmate and long spool of telegraph wire, Blog was able to send the midget and wire to Thistlethwait.
By utilising primitive telegraph technology, Blog would send his entries, including his mood and piece of sheet music he had recently purchased, to the midget, who would inscribe them onto his blog. This method also ushered in the age of blog comments, as Blog's blog friends would tell the midget their responses to Blog's blog, who would telegraph the blog comments back to Blog.
As a result, Blog learned that his blog friends did not like him, and in fact regularly ridiculed him, especially when they would give the midget anonymous comments. Tensions peaked when a friend bribed the midget to write things deprecating Blog on Blog's own blog. Upon learning this, Blog committed suicide, leaving behind one final message on his blog:
"midget you BROKETH mine LIFE do me a favoure alert the constabulary." address london schoole fore incurable gothics inform them that i have committedeth suicide in the lavoratorye my apologies areth deep"