Groarnge
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Groarnge is a colour typically associated with advanced internal bleeding and old cheese[1], but often relating to things as perverse and diverse as fungus and sand[2]. Unlike most colours, groarnge is rarely mentioned in polite conversation, and is instead discussed when it comes up in a round about fashion in which people describe without actually mentioning the atypical colour.
Not that it ever does. Come up, that is.
Incidences of Groarnge[edit | edit source]
History yields few recorded incidences of groarnge, evidently due to the fact that civilised societies know better than to bring it up in informal or formal situations, let alone write it down. This tendency has become so prevalent that until recently, it was even doubted that the colour actually existed. Fortunately, recent times have yielded increasing potential incidences of the colour groarnge as codes of conduct have become more lax with heightened anonymity and ability to communicate with greater audiences.
A subsequent inquisition into the matter revealed that they were, in fact, not researching the matter at all and were instead investigating a large kitty that has somehow gotten into their laboratory. Inquisitors attempted to inquire into the matter of the cat, however all the researchists would report was that Sammy likes fishies better than turkey clippings and is indifferent toward squirrel meat.
It was also found that Sammy is extremely endowed towards a certain brand of cologne that shall go unnamed so as to protect the embarrassment of those involved with the inquisition, namely the one who was jumped by Sammy. The inquisitor in question later discovered a particularly painful incidence of groarnge spreading from the clawmarks. It would perhaps have been the first and possibly last incidence to ever be documented, but unfortunately the inquisitor denied everything, pleading embarrassment, of all things.
No subsequent attempts to investigate the matter of groarnge have occurred.
Things that are not Groarnge[edit | edit source]
The following are examples of things that are not groarnge:
Eggplants, kitties, dead skunks, large, irritating bugs, sagging limbs, cheese, oranges, muskrats, juniper bushes, cats, brie, muffins, previously used coffins, the colour of these links, ugly green light fixtures, large mammals, small mammals, long lists, listy lists, pieces of eight, the monkey hiding in your closet, unpleasant giant piranhas, ideas shamelessly stolen from other writers, pods, disks, discs, black holes, green eggs, a lump of green putty I found in my armpit one midsummer's morn, wombats, skeletal limbs, unusual presences, dark matter, really bad eggs, that creepy guy who keeps trying to look in my window, screwdrivers, crowbars, colours computer monitors are capable of rendering, tissues, beige, window cleaner, floor cleaner, wall cleaner, counter cleaner, toilet cleaner, cleaner for the massive mess that resulted from the toilet cleaner causing the toilet to explode all over the windows, floor, walls and counter, embedded lists, logic gates, illogic gates, boolean maybes, edible pudding, taxi cabs, obnoxious plastic, shining things, gleaming darkness, pure, unadulterated madness, puffer fish, sardines, SATA cables, badly drawn porn, hairballs, dust, video cards, oddly coloured exhalations, anthropomorphic things, jewels, a tremendous, dangerous-looking yak, wax lips, toenails, manuals of style, manuals of code, manuals of etiquette, dice, wood doors, non-wood doors, desks made out of previously wooden doors, acetone, smoke, large, irritating fires that just have to be to the north and thus the long, massive plume of smoke extending from horizon to horizon is utterly useless for blocking out that annoyingly hot orb in the sky that emits those rays that some cancer-mongering folks actually, for some reason, like to bask in, normal fires that aren't irritating at all and are, in fact, merely there until they are, in fact, not there at all, pigeons, lithium, silver, breakfast, second breakfast, third breakfast, brunch, luncheon, lunch, tea, second tea, dinner, supper, snack, second snack, gold, bad movies, random number generators, puns, satin, masking tape, meerkats, that corpse you planted last December, my has it begun to sprout, shoe horns, moose, trees, gravity, circular logic, sumacs, bugblatter beasts of Tralg or whatever those things were, Vogons, Vorlons, sperm whales, the colour whale, misinformation, a guy named 'Jazz', 322 days of night, fluxbox, Sammy, Edna's wig, vultures, redundancy, quantum mechanics, side boobs, dinnerware, sentences, arbitrations, ideas, nouns, codes, pineapples, binary, distance, abstract objects, Ra, KDE, wishes, old computers, footwear, puce fairies, lilacs, a single sequinned white glove, gramophones, loopholes, elderberries, shopping carts, jugglers, unmanned space probes, crinoline, princes, these fragments, virtual emergencies, sunlight, memory, commuters, a sinister black monolith, terminals, Visigoths, the Pear Review, stained glass, tall tales, tall tails, Encyclopedia Dramatica, pliers, lacquer, latticework, curtains, the oceans of Neptune, a house of leaves, fungi, anthills, Jesii, darts, aliens, the festival ticket I have in my ear, puppets, sockpuppets, Banjo the Clown, toothpicks, evil, mortality, morality, snow, deep, dark coldness, sunset, redrum, large knives, letters, lawn mowers...
And pretty much anything else.[4]
Groarnge in Popular Culture[edit | edit source]
...Very funny.
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Even though they almost never are this colour.
- ↑ Without actually being the colour of these, either.
- ↑ Although since the scandal of the Clogging of the Tubes, it would seem that the Interweb is having more trouble than even the recent rat infestation would indicate.
- ↑ Since apparently nothing is.