Top Ten Ways to Die

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“If you ever succumb to any of these you win a free lifetime membership to our club bar.”

~ The Main Man From The Darwin Awards

The "official" Top Ten Ways To Die List![edit | edit source]

It took many years to come up with the list, most of them spent in a shady room with the blinds drawn down low. But finally it arrives! Here, below, is the prestigious list:

10[edit | edit source]

Spontaneous Combustion (as opposed to the dreaded Contagious Sportission.)

9[edit | edit source]

Being smoked by a giant talking spliff, until only your shoes and the lingering musk of <insert name here> remain.

8[edit | edit source]


7[edit | edit source]

Natural causes (in an earthquake for example).

6[edit | edit source]

Falling into your own grave; snapping your neck on the very name plaque bearing your title.

5[edit | edit source]

Death by ninja. Awesome.

4[edit | edit source]

Combining every cheatcode possible, and having them all simultaneously backfire on you.

3[edit | edit source]

Shot by the FBI for supposedly transporting WMD's in your trousers, when really you're just extremely well hung. Oh yeah.

2[edit | edit source]

Pass out during intercourse and bang your head on the chest of drawers.

1[edit | edit source]

Death as a result of the one thing that's so amazing, so gory, so funny that it renders the event completely indescribable. The course of action would be so genius that at least 12 subsequent Jackass movies would be brought out in honour of it. Millions would try to emulate your death, none of them able to capture the explosion of your spleen and the shimmer of the cat's incinerated corpse as perfectly as you did. Your deceasement was that good, hey man, your funeral had critical acclaim. Even Barney the Dinosaur turned up, you rock dude, you rock.

Top notch stuff eh?

A word from our sponsors[edit | edit source]

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