Top Ten Ways to Die

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“If you ever succumb to any of these you win a free lifetime membership to our club bar.”

~ The Main Man From The Darwin Awards

The "official" Top Ten Ways To Die List![edit]

It took many years to come up with the list, most of them spent in a shady room with the blinds drawn down low. But finally it arrives! Here, below, is the prestigious list:


Spontaneous Combustion (as opposed to the dreaded Contagious Sportission.)


Being smoked by a giant talking spliff, until only your shoes and the lingering musk of <insert name here> remain.




Natural causes (in an earthquake for example).


Falling into your own grave; snapping your neck on the very name plaque bearing your title.


Death by ninja. Awesome.


Combining every cheatcode possible, and having them all simultaneously backfire on you.


Shot by the FBI for supposedly transporting WMD's in your trousers, when really you're just extremely well hung. Oh yeah.


Pass out during intercourse and bang your head on the chest of drawers.


Death as a result of the one thing that's so amazing, so gory, so funny that it renders the event completely indescribable. The course of action would be so genius that at least 12 subsequent Jackass movies would be brought out in honour of it. Millions would try to emulate your death, none of them able to capture the explosion of your spleen and the shimmer of the cat's incinerated corpse as perfectly as you did. Your deceasement was that good, hey man, your funeral had critical acclaim. Even Barney the Dinosaur turned up, you rock dude, you rock.

Top notch stuff eh?

A word from our sponsors[edit]

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