T minus 3 seconds

Agent 0.01 checked its watch. It was almost time. It placed its finger on the detonator.

3 ... 2 ... 1 ....

There was a crash and a woman sat down on its lap. She was beautiful. She had glowing green hair growing in stubbly patches, and a pattern of pink and blue tattoos running diagonally across her face. Her left eyeball had been tattooed a uniform blood red.

“Hullo?” it said. “Why are you suddenly seated on my lap?”

“Gravity,” she replied. And then, “Are you a robot?”

“What makes you suspect I am a robot?”

“All those extra eyes. They look weird. And besides that the narrator keeps calling you 'it'. Who are you, anyway?”

“What day is today?”

“Tuesday,” she said, after glancing up at the large day-date sign hanging in the air over them.

“Then I am Joe. If it were Wednesday I would be Sally-Ann. But you may call me 0.01 if it pleases you to do so.”

“Pleased to meet you, Joe-Sally-Ann-0.01. I'm agent 2. But you can call me 'Her'.”

Archive • Vote for featured articles >>>

Washington's Real intentions

Image credit: Readmesoon

Washington did take down a cherry tree, but not with an axe...
Discuss this image

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Illogico

Illogico is a crazy, and therefore won the award for Aym.

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Welcome to Illogicopedia

The amusing, nonsensical encyclopedia that anyone can mess up.

Proudly making posts vaguely longer and more interesting than Twitter since some time in the past. Feel free to write before you think.

11,658 articles in English, rien en Français und nichts auf Deutsch.

Illogicopedia is a wiki project dedicated to creating an insane repository of words put together in no particular order.
(Find out more...)

Prominent Prose of the Randomly Indiscriminate Time Period: Spy Story

T minus 3 seconds

Agent 0.01 checked its watch. It was almost time. It placed its finger on the detonator.

3 ... 2 ... 1 ....

There was a crash and a woman sat down on its lap. She was beautiful. She had glowing green hair growing in stubbly patches, and a pattern of pink and blue tattoos running diagonally across her face. Her left eyeball had been tattooed a uniform blood red.

“Hullo?” it said. “Why are you suddenly seated on my lap?”

“Gravity,” she replied. And then, “Are you a robot?”

“What makes you suspect I am a robot?”

“All those extra eyes. They look weird. And besides that the narrator keeps calling you 'it'. Who are you, anyway?”

“What day is today?”

“Tuesday,” she said, after glancing up at the large day-date sign hanging in the air over them.

“Then I am Joe. If it were Wednesday I would be Sally-Ann. But you may call me 0.01 if it pleases you to do so.”

“Pleased to meet you, Joe-Sally-Ann-0.01. I'm agent 2. But you can call me 'Her'.”

Archive • Vote for featured articles >>>

Recently featured: Colonel Sanders – This Page is Useless – Time Cubicle – Foals – Martian Luther – Plagiarism – Satan Bunny

Did You No? Yes! But did you know...

...that it is officially morbin' time?
...that if you lived or worked at Camp Lejeune between 1953-1987 and developed severe diseases you may be entitled to compensation?
...that you should stop taking Mylanta immediately and contact a doctor if you experience nausea heartburn indigestion upset stomach diarrhoea?
...that 'demogorgon' is enough of an insult, you don't need to call him bald, too?
…An irrational integer walks into a bar. The bartender asks what he wants, and it says “Nothing for me, thank you. By definition, I do not exist.”
...that the Miraheze Wackypedia is the true Wackypedia? The Miraheze Wackypedia has always been the true Wackypedia.
...that in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything, but only faith working through love?
...that the bananas are coming – the Banana Command will emerge and announce that they've taken charge of the planet so that the misery can come to an end – be ready!
...if you're reading this, you've been in a coma for almost 5 years. We're trying to reach you. We don't know where this message will end up in your dream, but we hope you will find it. Please wake up. We miss you.
...that we’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
...that this is the that that these those thuse?
...that it is recommended that you do not place credibility in a a gardening tool with a thin metal blade that is often used to break up dirt, not even once, nor myself? (Don't trust a hoe, never trust a hoe, don't trust me)
...that if you are a young female we request that you refrain from speaking and move your ball and socket synovial joint, formed by an articulation between the pelvic acetabulum and the head of the femur, in the manner expected of one who is blind and deaf? (Shush girl, shut your lips; do the Helen Keller, and talk with your hips)
...that the higher the fewer it spins?
...that if man is still alive and woman can survive in the year 7554, it'll be on Venus?
...that Turin, Italy is not actually Turin-complete?
...that a banana man has offered compelling arguments for Illogicopedia being intelligently designed?
...that since furries the output of the mathematical function sine when inputted 89.1242791 (39 cm/s) has never been the same? (Main article: Furry)
...that rotating any rodent will make your dreams come true?
...that the founder of the GOP was briefly expelled for punching a teacher?
...that doodling is only a fantasy, like magic?
...that I am a secret agent code named Doodlequats?
...that Lumpy Gravy is popular with Madagascar day geckos?
...that vaping air isn’t worth the effort?
...that the fruits of your labor are taxed at 8.8%?
...that emergency roadside assistance is code for a transphobic douche?
...that as I write this drivel, I realize the unfortunate side effects of the drugs I take?
...that y’all decking sinners ought to repent, and soon?!?!
...that we lost the Pyramid Wars?
...that the meatballs are ready?
...that stream-of-consciousness writing is out of fashion?
...that I once aspired to be a stream-of-consciousness writer?
...that snakes are the number one cause of is that a deer?
...that the King of Ice Cream's waiting over your left shoulder?
...that none of you are getting out of this alive?
...that the Venture brothers are ready for action?
...that?
...that unregulated gelatin economy is causing chivalrous cacophonous dregs to resurface the road things when hair gets stale and twangy?
... that you are not allowed to marry a gardening tool with a thin metal blade that is often used to break up dirt (garden hoe)?
... that if you're tired of Jarritos, you can always try Fabuloso?
... BEE BAHHHHHH?
... that "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" didn't come out until 2004?
... that TANE WILL RETURN?
... that for god's sake, you should leave the fireworks to the professionals for this year?
... that a black hole is where my spleen is supposed to be, and it's really loud?
... that I enjoy licking the surface of a tempera painting as I was taught in preschool?
... that the batteries inside my lamp are just begging for a salad made entirely of cows?
... that my hair seems to have taken a life on its own and is attending college right now?
... that the current is strong and I'm afraid my tugboat is about to sink?
... that I am personally attached to a piece of birch wood I keep beneath my bed? It brings me good luck.
... that I have an antfarm that I am very personally attached to? I try petting the ants inside but they keep crawling up my finger and stinging me. 😔
... that General Macarthur was killed by a life preserver, which is kind of ironic?
... that if you put "SANS" into a ROT13 Caesar Cypher, you get "FNAF", and vice versa?
... that "kawaii metal" is a thing?
... that "uwu" means "sus" in ROT2?
... that one in seven East German citizens were Stasi informers?
... that the G.I. in "G.I. Joe" stands for Gastrointestinal?
... ipse satanas salivam huiuscemodi homo iecerit super terram ambulus?
... that you shouldn't be mean to your kids, because then they might visit Paris to avoid you, and then will no longer engage in agricultural labor?
... that apple juice is very tasty and nutritious?
... that agriculture in Monroe County, Missouri was doomed to failure from the start?
...that using advanced mathematical formulae, our researchers have determined 2 does indeed equal weed eater?
... that it's always 5 o' clock somewhere?
... that my spleen sings the National French anthem every time the clock strikes 5 pm?
... worm on a string?
... that come tomorrow, your kneecaps will belong to me and me alone?
... that there are only 25 blimps in existance?
... Please purchase Illogicopedia+ to view this DYK!
... that you have no idea what's in-store for you at Omega Mart?
... that I coulda dropped my croissant?
happy birthday main page
... that this site's main page turns 14 years old this Saturday?
... that even the Keurig tells me "good morning"?
... that Dababy will turn a person into a convertible?
... that it is 100 seconds to midnight?
... that (serious mode activated) the war on drugs was probably racism the entire time? (serious mode deactivated)
... that the interior crust of the moon is where they get the stuff for cellphone screens, and that they send kids up there to get it?
... that it's 4:20 somewhere?
- tired. so tired.
- funny meme day lol drugs
... that some people still think that they can get away with edgy humor in 2021?
... that according to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that Bee Movie should've flied?
... that there also exists Wackypedia? (please don't hurt them, i'm sure they're very nice)
... that quiet people piss?
... that this was the Green Note, and I'm Juan Carlos Bodoque?
... that?
... that if the entire population of earth jumped, the earth would get pissed?
... that today is April Fools' Day, and we've got a very illogical article to commemorate it?
... that if queens really could move wherever they like, then the opening position would have both kings in a smothered mate?
... that the Earth weighs 13,170,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 pounds?
... that he was like no, and I was like yes?
... that the life span of The Solar System is about half?
... that 69 is just a number?
... that you can eat your heart out on a plastic tray?
... that when you vomit honey, you are vomiting bee vomit?
... that Shakespeare wore a gold hoop earring?
... that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell?
... that there was a certain man, in Russia long ago?
- ... that he was big and strong, in his eyes a flaming glow?
... this is probably the only DYK that doesn't begin with "that", or end with a question mark? Given the site's lifespan, that probably isn't the case.
... that porcupines are a natural source of heroin needles?
... that if Juice World was real, we would all drown?
... that there are FOUR themes of world history?
... that heee not liek. The banana. Angry... cat no banana.
... that we have all the car parts you will ever need (for your car)?
... that with Illogicopedia, even you can across to Equestria?
... that "maybe if u got rid of dat 'ol yee yee aaaa haircut" is not a line from Drumline (2002)?
... that a man once took a selfie with a plane hijacker?
... that NOTHINs' GOnnA STOOPP MEE, AyAaaa!
... that 2021 was only OK for six days?
... that your life clearly has at least some meaning, considering that you were born in the first place, and lived long enough to read this?
... that for a good chunk of 2019 and 2020, the featured content didn't change?
... that this website's featured content has changed?
... that if you do anything, you will die?
... that the Baul wish to find the last bingo card and plunge Funfare into darkness?
... that you can't spell "successful" without "succ"?
... that the FDA estimates that 93% of meat worker marriages are in shambles?
...that if you know an American man between the ages of 20 and 40 who is at least seven feet tall, there's a 17 percent chance he's in the NBA right now?
...that Australia is an Asian country?
- ...Yo, Australia is actually in Oceania. Seriously.
...that?
...that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that?
...that this website's featured content hasn't changed since 2019?
...that there is an entire plane of existence comprised of only yellow baseball caps?
...that Walter is the most powerful entity in existence, and could end reality any second?
...that you need to wake up?
...that makin' bacon pancakes is illegal in Kansas City?
...that Jay Foreman was in charge of a cartography discussion company?
...that Tel Aviv is basically in Wisconsin?
...that it's a free country and I can say what I want!
...that you probably shouldn't joke about coronavirus-related conspiracy theories?
...that the Coronavirus is a bio-weapon?
...that the full-on strawberry rubber-stamped chair apocalypse is here?
...that it's the Amalgamate?
...that -0 is an insane number?
...that I'm back? -Dilly/Dylan
...that attempts have been made to contain mutant Illogi-bananas? (OH GOD, OH FUCK! They are on to us!)
...that fnurdles can whirl, and you're being listened to?
...that Neil Armstrong sang "Sweet Caroline" while riding a bike on the moon?
...that timeline and reality management with git can sometimes make you feel like a git?
...that the character Buzz Lightyear was named after the actor Buzz Aldrin, best known for his work in Apollo 11?
...that you can write articles just by taking them from Wikipedia?
...that Cg098 created Polonium?
...that there is no theoretical limit to the number of questions I can type, one after the other, day after day, year after year, light year after light year^[1], polymorphism after head over heals, ass over teacup, Irish whiskey from Dimension 9?
- ...and that the doorbell was stuck again on Thursday, and that we had to call the nun who owns the place to get a plumber to call a CPA for advice about werewolves?
  - ...and that Where wolves are, so falls Witchita Falls?
...that a cannon that shoots pissed off tigers is currently legal in the state of New Hampshire?
...that I shouldn't be here right now?
...that you live on a planet? Yeah! You're an Earth person!
...that salt burns orange?

↑ A trap to catch people who think a light year is a measure of time. Once entranced by the text of this sentence, they will become subject to my will. I will insinuate them into the highest levels of the music world, and flood the world with Alternative Cheese Rock.

...that Bcbkye is still watching you after ten years? He's standing in the very same spot in the corner of your room.
...that Nmesh are to belong all your base?
...that most English surnames mean exactly what they sound like?
...that 'quotes' "are" „very“ „very” «very» ‹weird?›
...that taht... ...wonk uoy did tuB !seY ?oN uoY diD
...that the light in Sophie's eyes went out bit by bit?
...that I too am a loathsome tobacco man?
- ...and that my mom knows I smoke?
...that I'm a loathsome tobacco man?
...that no monkeys were harmed in the writing of Illogicopedia articles?
...that this, as well?
...that it’s gay to be homophobic?

More DYKs – Add your own >>>

In the News

Google is brought to you today by the letter Ñ

Horoscopes for April, 2021

It's swimming

Jonald Truden dematerializes and instead replaced with variant by the name of John E. John E. Affirmative papa jr.

Leprechaun Dies of Covid-19

Tips for dating an Aries woman found in local trash can, but it was clickbait

Raisin Bran

Wikipedia declared SUS!!!!

Jonald Truden materializes and becomes a reality bender, US capitol Washington DC becomes hot spot for anomalies

CAPITOL CHAOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christmas Officially Renamed "Krimga"

Army of 13 foot tall marmosets continue rampage

Goats Plague Earth, Humanity Crumbles

Christmas to Happen in November, Walmart Claims.

*REAL* KANYE WEST WINS ELECTION BY LANDSLIDE

Canadian DJ deadmau5 transforms into 3.75 inches tall Funko Pop, world now in fear

Epic Games Headquarters Vanishes, 12 Killed by "Beef Boss"

Minecraft 2 slated for release in 2021

Fortnite Is Going To Be Real

Minecraft buys Fortnite!!

Illogicopedia server no longer in Plato's cave

Coronavirus the cure for bad eyesight

Elon Musk announces Karen Battle Royale

Ginger found draining orange

Illogicopedia server now in Plato's cave

1+1=2

Man caught existing

Babies Good For Liver Circulation?

Is Illogicopedia Dying?

URGENT! ILLOGIPEDIA IS NOT ILLOGICAL ENOUGH!

Teenager cleans room for first time in years

Moon Is Fake, NASA Admits

Health and Safety Executive to publish guidelines for 'safe dabbing'

In Leningrad dinner eats man

King of Swaziland poses issues for Wife Swap organisers

DAILY MAIL COMMENTS SECTION VOTED 'MOST PEACEFUL' IN WHOLE OF INTERNET

Psychic predicts failed predictions

Satans make inroads at Illogicopedia

Fake News

Alternate Facts: Boom or bust for Illogicopedia?

Illogicopedia institutes new anti-vandalism policy

German explorers find subterranean Neanderthal civilizations

Headaches are good for you, scientists find

Klondike bar eats Cthulhu

Floating eye sighted off New Jersey coast

Bandages found to fix bullet holes, study says

Illogicopedian saves day; becomes disliked by everyone

Let's make Illogicopedia great again!

Space aliens stop by, rebuffed by politicians

Clive Palmer planning World Disasters II

IllogiNews – Archive

Mindless sandalism

I love Christelle so much she is the best

Democraps lol repooplicans lolollololololol

I am really going to try to make this a forced meme.

A firm line must be drawn. Here it is:

Confused? PICKLES!
MYYP!
MYYP! Frogs have no penus, like you Alternatively, you may try to use other meeps and cookies to solve all your problems. But I would only recommend those cookies if you are really like Stalin deep down inside. Your innards, if they are not of steel, may be better suited to the method of meeping, beeping, and weeping until you have arrived at the ultimate solution, or it has arrived at you.

New Article

Micelaasdl hoeas a yoir doggg..,. i enend dawo0g /food] miscleal../., eha jow tp close a apadraaraaa dghpf oHES JAS HOW ROSx CLSOCE QQQǃǃǃǃǃǃǃǃǃǃ12 dk gransfmang sinfg offs.////// lorm fgramstank ;'] heaea irts a smiel cfafers HAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAA mamagramn sing ooss;7

Thiès iès why weè caènt haève nièceè thièngs. Ièt's juèst noèt rièght.

== Whad it love fack]] oneve mategormake the drit you mon! The writticonlyin occand yeas poing th deate that now Ill, your itting day ully whad way upt may ne feeperefee moselin article ther.

More... – Add your mad gibber >>>

Talk about stuff and things

Topic	Last Edit	Last Author
Bango mango	00:04, 7 Ergust 2022	Flutter
Request to have the articles "George Floyd" and "George Floyd/1" deleted	05:04, 26 Arche 2022	Cg098
The why or why not	14:59, 25 Arche 2022	Cg098
How to bring Illogicopedia out of stagnation, in theory	13:11, 9 Farbleum 2022	Fluffalizer
Senny and Cassie for admins	16:38, 21 Ditzimber 2021	Cg098
Important notice regarding talk page posts	06:47, 19 Ditzimber 2021	Cg098
All long-term non-vandals for phantoms	17:22, 7 Aym 2021	Cg098
Hey, so uhhh	16:56, 6 Aym 2021	Senny
Illogicopedian of the Month	01:44, 24 Arply 2021	BSOD
Getting to know you	17:03, 23 Arply 2021	Senny
More than 500 Ways You Know You've Been on Too Much Illogicopedia	14:41, 16 Arche 2021	Senny
This (March 6, 2021) afternoon is probably the most active the site's been for years	01:34, 7 Arche 2021	Cg098

The Illogiblog

12 Years of Illogicopedia

Forged in the Golden Age of Humour Wikis, Illogicopedia remains at the forefront of Internet nonsense some twelve years later.

Back in 2005, Wikipedia jettisoned its humorous content to the Uncyclopedia, a shameless parody of the original free encyclopedia.

This in turn spawned Illogicopedia, which was first established at Wikia Scratchpad in late 2006. And just as Uncyc was born out of content restriction, Illogicopedia heralded a new dawn in inclusionism with its generous acceptance policy.

So it remains to this day - deletion is reserved for the very worst offenders. Even spam is salvaged, re-grilled and served with chopped bananas in the after dinner 'Nose Collection'.

While the aforementioned Golden Age passed some years ago, Illogicopedia powers ahead into a new era. An era free of drama and destructive vandalism. An era that will usher in hologram television, personal hover boards and the Ultimate Sandwich™.

Until they inevitably arrive, our newly-established Discord server will satiate our desire for conversation, providing the glue to keep Illogicopedia rolling through vandal attacks and server outages.

Aid Epoc Igolli! Acid Pile Igloo! Ideological Pi!

— noreply@blogger.com (Harry Yack) 2019-01-11 15:13:00

Spambots Rule Illogiblog in 2019

A new year, a new trash can full of burning spam on the Illogiblog. Fans of salty meat substitute will be pleased to hear that in 2019, we still get at least forty of these tasty treats every week.

Not even the porky pong of their smouldering comrades can stop the spammers' barrage of artificially generated pseudo-conversation. Mr Takeshi, bring on the next batch of ~~brave~~ moronic contenders forlornly hoping to survive the bonfire.

Thank you, the article is very petrifying, hopefully it can be useful for everyone. -- Yesi Nurazizah

The Illogiblog is 'petrifying'? Finally, a spambot with a nose for nonsense. You are the very first of your kind to dispense with the flowery greetings and offer us the blatant, troubling truth. You win... my underpants.

Utility kilt is comfortable and easy to wear.you can read this post. it is a good informative post on yours -- Tactical Kilt

This 'guy' keeps leaving promos for his 'tactical' kilt store. He's so desperate that he wrote some code to circumvent Blogger's bot filter. Please buy his items or he mightn't be able to buy machine oil and bolts for his leaking metal groin. Thank you.

Cannot contact reCAPTCHA. Check your connection and try again -- 龙大猫

Meanwhile, the above dude circumvented our CAPTCHA just to say that. What a waste, I wanted to hear about Libyan Rolexes and Nike handbags for the 1,000th time!

The coldest places are not the Arctic that is where the person does not have. Xbox -- Simuka Rafeal

A tricky riddle to solve, but I think he's trying to say that Norway sucks. And it comes to something when you can't sell XBOXes to Scandinavia.

monkey kate spade outlet online nike lunarglide coach factory -- Dong Dong23

I think I understand how these messages work now! The bots have realised that we are keeping the silliest ones for their sheer comedy value, and have started competing for the title of 'stupidest comment'. Any humans reading this have no chance of winning, so you'd better just forget those dreams of becoming a famous Internet writer.

Quickies

"Thanks for sharing Ishqbaaz" -- Singh. (This perfectionist deleted his post and reposted it after spotting his spelling errors. Better watch out, these bots are becoming more intelligent.)
"My brother recommended I might like this website. He used to be entirely right" -- Taufik Setiawan. (That's right - he *used* to be, until Illogiblog stopped posting in 2016.)
"Click here Click here Click here Click here" -- Neeti Kumar. (I clicked but did not receive a free holiday to my house. I requested my click back.)

Cheers, guys! All 2,000 spam messages from the period 2016-2018 have been deleted. To help prevent future spam, all new comments on posts older than 90 days will now be manually moderated.

Until our next dumpster fire, enjoy your hampork-hybrid lunchmeats. Chow and indeed ciao.

— noreply@blogger.com (Harry Yack) 2019-01-10 13:54:00

Illogicopedia endorses Donald Trump

My fellow Illogicopedians,

I have long advocated for Illogicopedia to stand above the political fray, and get involved only in issues of vital importance, like establishing a research grant to develop invisible tube socks for astronaut giraffes. Where would we be if giraffes in space had to go bare-hooved, or were forced to appear to other space giraffes like they were not bare-hooved? Either alternative would be intolerable to a humane society.

However, we have faced a decline of the Illogicopedian community recently. We have lost much of what made Illogicopedia Illogicopedia. It seems that no one has their priorities in order. Those poor space giraffes! This will require us to compromise and join the political fray just this once.

On this one day of the year, I believe we should all be able to come together across party lines and nationalities to agree that there is only one candidate who upholds the principles our community stands for.

There is an answer, and that answer is Donald Trump. Donald Trump promises to put a freeze on Goth visitors entering our web site. This will help decrease our depression and angst levels. Also, he has promised to build a wall around our web site and then make Uncyclopedia pay the costs of constructing the wall. Donald Trump's common-sense solutions are exactly what we need to make Illogicopedia great again!

-- Nerd42

— noreply@blogger.com (Nerd42) 2016-03-31 22:06:00

Don't speak the lingo? (Don't worry, we can't either)

You are currently reading the English language version of Illogicopedia. Started in 2007, it currently contains 11,658 pieces of junk known as articles. But did you know that Illogicopedia is available in a variety of other languages? Yep, and we're going to list them for you right now.

Illogicopedia En - English	Logimalpédie Fr - Français	Irratiopedia Nl - Nederlands/Vlaams
Artigpedia No - Norsk (bokmål)	Malucopédia Pt - Português	petaQ'a'pedia tlh - tlhIngan Hol
Kamelopedia De - Deutsch (Sister wiki)	Usopedia Ja - 日本語 (Sister wiki)	Ilógicopedia Es - Español