Jedi

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A British Jedi observing earth's moons.

Jedi‘s always cast peculiar shadows. Always.

A Jedi is a follower of Jedism, a religious faith originating from Buddhism (seekers of Enlightenment), Taoism/Daoism (seekers of Balance) and Sophistry (seekers of Entertainment), traveling throughout Southeast Asia and towards Europe via the Silk Road.

According to the recent census in the United Kingdom over 2.5% of the population class themselves to be of this religion and it is widely regarded as one of the largest growing minority religions in the country.

History

The word Jedi is derived from the ancient Punic words jedee (je-dee) meaning master and dia meaning deliberation (or debating) making Jedi the master debaters of the Carthaginian lands of Corsica. The name was given due to their great powers of persuasion, as they were often used as diplomats in times of conflict. So a Jedi was a great debater that follows the teachings of the ancient Carthaginian people. Modern Jedi however have begun to change that definition.

Today's Jedi about town

Modern Jedi can be characterized by two things at the core of their beliefs, the Force and Star Wars programming. Some modern Jedi have even moved away from their traditional role of diplomat into simply being people that don't seek confrontation, moving into the roles of musicians, programmers and politicians.

The Force

A devout Jedi gains power over others through the "Force". When a Jedi is truly powerful, he can tell people the craziest things and they'll believe them.

Such classics include:

“These aren't the droids you're looking for.”

~ All the while the droids they are looking for are right there

“It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes.”

~ While the woman are surrounded by sweaty sexually aroused droids men

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

~ While all evidence points otherwise

“I have a good feeling about this.”

~ While one half of the spaceship is going away on its own into deep space and the other half falling at great speed on the Jedi temple

General Disposition

Historically Jedi are known for being peaceful, kindly stewards of justice and righteous defenders of truth; however during times of conflict they are known for their outrageous acrobatic fighting - which borders on breakdancing - lightning coming out of their fingers and being completely indestructible when facing any non-Sith opponents, unless their character is only two dimensional and lacking any real back story.

Of late, there have also been many complaints and protests against excessive force in the Jedi police state and violations of the Geneva Conventions, as the Jedi, despite their superior abilities and indestructibility, take no prisoners in battle nor have any record of ever disabling a weaker foe by non-lethal means (for case law, see the wrongful death grievance in Mace Windu vs. the Heirs of Jango Fett, in which the court awarded each of the 1.3 billion plaintiffs $2.15 each).

Jedi and Sith

There are two sides to being a Jedi; traditional Jedi are really swell guys who will persuade a bartender that your tab is paid up, while the renegade faction the Sith are really cool guys who will gladly kill off your superior officer to get you a promotion.

The opposition to the Jedi religion are known as the Sith (see Margaret Thatcher or the Pope). They are known to have conservative views. However, they can be tricky as they can influence many people by the "".

In short, Jedis are crazed mental lunatics who on any whim are willing to turn you into a squirrel or worse force you to watch re-runs of "My Little Pony".

Names

There is no set naming convention to being a Jedi, you just get stuck with the shitty title "padawan" until you prove you're not a complete pansy.

Sith however rename themselves cool stuff that is usually a typo and gives some hidden meaning to how they play out in the grander scheme of the universe like:

• Darth Vader (the dark father)
• Darth Treya (the dark betrayer)
• Darth Maul (the dark bludgeon)
• Darth Stupid (the darthed(ed) idiot [lol])

The Signs

There are several easy to spot signs of a Jedi:

• Carries a really big key chain on their waist.
• Constantly refers to forks as spoons and vice versa.
• Obsessed with saving the world.
• Waving their hand while talking can suddenly win them an argument.
• Can leap over a building in a single bound.

What the crap, are Jedi just chicks? Yep.

Jedi of Note

• Yoda: A mental patient living on a swamp moon called Dagobah, he was known for being able to say random words and have it taken as philosophical gold. Being amused very easily he laughed heartily at anything and everything; including damaged space fighters. Yoda long suffered from Dr. Hibbert syndrome and months after training Mark Hamill he had a relapse, giggling constantly and drooling everywhere, which lead to several questionable remedies being tested - which included having men's hands inside his colon - these treatments are suspected to have contributed more to his death than anything else.
• Mace Windu: A member of the Jedi council, this highly revered warrior was often made the butt of homosexually-oriented jokes for the choice of crystals used in his light-saber which, unlike most red, green or blue sabers use at the time, was a distinct purple (which was later used more often by Jedi after the Battle of Taboo and the revelation that Yoda was gay).
• Obi-Wan Kenobi: Known for being "the only hope" of many women around the galaxy, this lady's man trained not only Mark Hamill but Darth Vader as well.
• The Joker: Once known as Mark Hamill, he changed his name after a run in with a man in black who turned his face into a sadistic grin. He is the only person to have ever defeated Darth Vader in combat and feel up his daughter and live to tell the tale. He later retired into voice work while still making cameos from time to time.
• Silent Bob: A fat man in a trench coat, he is the epitome of the modern Jedi. He and his hetero-life-mate Jay travel the galaxy beating on demons and wooing the ladies.
• Beck: Reinvented popular music and developed radical software development methodology known as Star Wars, he was instrumental in the defeat of the Clinja uprising in the Battle of Taboo.

• Superman" Superman led a life of ease until falling into a lava flow, which lead to his nickname "the man of steel", as he was from that time on encased in a metal suit in order to keep him alive. Because of the anger boiling inside that suit he later fell to the dark side and became Superfreak, much to the chagrin of the Sith as he refused to take the Darth moniker.
• Weird Al Yankovic: Although he lacked formal Jedi training, he was able to develop Force powers thru concentration, focus, and lube. His first step after receiving a light saber was performing LASIK on himself. He's blind now.
• Moses: Moses was the most powerful jedi of his time. The only real thing that he did included the splitting of the Red Sea, and turn the Nile river into blood. And killed the evil Darth Ramses the third. After that he wandered in the desert training his Jedi followers, and died shortly after.
• Jesus: Jesus was the most powerful Jedi ever to be born. He set the mold for being a Jedi, from the stylish long hair, to the beard, and even right down to the robes Jedi everywhere consider a standard. A devout pacifist, Jesus was nailed to a cross and left to die by the Romans, who were led by a descendant of the Sith Lord Darth Sidious. Jesus became one with the Force. These days, millions of people worship Jesus as the son of God or some such. Wars have even been fought in his name. Jesus is noted for wanting them to "Just chill out, lol." Jesus, despite popular belief, was not a saya-jin.
• Bob Dole: Not actually a Jedi per se, Bob Dole has nonetheless claimed credit for inventing the Jedi religion. Jesus has spoken on the issue, saying a profound, "lol, k n00b." Most people are inclined to agree with Jesus.
• Solid Snake: Solid Snake is, in fact, a master ninja. He has recently converted to Jedism, but has made little progress. Many blame his celebrity status for this.
• Carlyle: Carlyle was a very temporary Jedi, noted early that he was a skilled fighter. He fell in love with the queen of a desert nation, and was banished from the Order, as love is not tolerated there. The evil people at Grado, a hang-out spot for the Sith, told him that he could have her If he joined them. That was the end of Carlyle.
• Erecto Paenus: He was one of the hardest to beat jedi, the closest anyone got to beating him was on only on the edge of defeat, but he still busted them. He was a master of the force, with his ability ¨spontaneus erection¨" able to distract opponents so he could finish them quickly. He was weaker againist female opponents and one ended him in his old age when he had gone soft.

Isms