Venus

“She's got it! Yeah, baby she's got it!”

~ Bananarama on finding extraterrestrial life on Venus (actually a cover)

Venus

Venus is the second planet. Venus is also goddess of love and sex, and she is very pretty. Venus is covered by downy fuzz and has sexy craters and volcanoes at her equator. Venus's atmosphere is full of pink clouds. People on Venus are blond and cute. The Flying Spaghetti Monster created this planet for women but as yet no women have moved in.

Men had Mars made for them, but the Men are only using it to store Playboy archives.

Venus revolves on her axis when she walks. With a surface temperature of up to 900 degrees, she is the totally hottest of the planets in our solar system. Her tilt measures a perfect 23 degrees, and her escape velocity is an alluring 10.3.

The Venerian population consists of Valkyries, Valley Girls, and vegetarian vestal virgins, the most famous of which is Sailor Venus.

NASA's Voyeur Program

For thousands of years, frustrated astronomers and horny astronauts have been trying to peer beneath Venus's filmy veil of clouds. Recently the Hubble telescope has revealed new details, sending back provocative down-blouse shots that have finally confirmed Einstein's controversial Puffy Nipples Theory. As of 2009, the United States is in a race with Venezuela, Vietnam, the Vatican, and the Virgin Islands to be the first to land a probe in Venus's polar region. They face competition from Vanuatu, however, which has been showering her with gifts and has a nicer car.

Acid Rain on Venus

Venus' atmosphere is covered by clouds filled with acidic material. Acid rain pours constantly from the clouds, sometimes having a massive effect on the inhabitants of the planet. The effects of this rain on the life of Venus is often similar to the effects of long exposure to radiation or Hello Kitty. However, recent studies have produced results that show the acid rain can cause other strange changes. These changes are:

• A sudden attraction to fried chicken
• For men: Growth of a Vagina Dentata much like the one found in many politicians
• A foot fetish
• Spontaneous explosion
• Becoming an Illogicopedia Editor

Severe cases of acid rain exposure often cause unstoppable diarrhea and foaming at the mouth. The only advice that major scientists such as Bill Nye can give to explorers of Venus is to bring a raincoat and umbrella.

If the thought of acid rain isn't pleasing to you, you could always visit another planet such as Earth, Mars, or Wisconsin.

Vun Vacts Vabout Venus

• Venus is hot, baby. ;-)
• Rhymes with penis, but spelled with a "v" like vagina.
• She chases around boy toy Mercury, the autistic boy hooked on those vaccines and ritalin, with gluten or red food dyes mixed together. Unfortunately, her efforts are in vain as Mercury is gay.
• Worshipped by creepy old men, anime nerds on AH! My Goddess! posting boards and prego fetishists (OH RLY?)
• Venus pours acid rain upon all of its inhabitants, sometimes causing them to horribly mutate into retards or women.
• Oscar Wilde might be from Venus, due to the fact that the planets name rhymes with penis