Deoxyribonucleic Acid

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Deoxyribonucleic Acid (DNA for short) is chemical ailment number 16 on the Random table of ailments. It is an ailment commonly found in any shit that lives and breathes that is used to give soft drinks its fizz. Which, I guess, means that people who drink soda are cannibals. Anyway, DNA is the only chemical ailment known to have developed sentience/sapience (smartness, for you normal folks) and hippies have long since protested the consumption of soda for this reason.


At room temperature, DNA is a plasma. It is the only known ailment to be a plasma at room temperature. It is known as the plasma. Did I mention it's a plasma? Anyway, its color is lasagna, a very cheesy pastish color not found in the other chemicals. DNA induces memory loss. Memory loss can result from eating DNA. It induces a loss of memory. Oh crap, I gotta lay off the DNA!

Historical Importance[edit]

While there were very many near misses throughout the Dinosaur Age, DNA was properly invented in the 1960's when Martians invaded the U.S. Government and accidentally spit in President's Nixon lunch, promptly causing a chemical reaction and the Cold War. Nixon consumed his daily chocolateburger, a delicacy at the time, and his feces were analyzed in the lab to result in DNA. The government, however, published history textbooks saying that it was discovered much earlier in order to keep the Alien Conspiracy Theorists from being right. By the 1970's, it was widely used in hair products and bell-bottoms, as well as discovering the key ingredient to curing cancer.


DNA has many uses, but it is most famous for being used in soft drinks. Other uses include hypnosis, fluffing, cleaning, and melting witches. It is also used by stars to fuel their mad hunger for universal domination.