Jeopardy: Cancer Edition

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  'WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE IS IN VERY BAD TASTE, AND SHOWS GREAT INSENSITIVITY TO PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY. IF YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING, YOU WILL MOST LIKELY BE UPSET BY THIS ARTICLE. THE CENTER FOR FAMILY VALUES ON ILLOGICOPEDIA STRONGLY RECOMMENDS THAT YOU DISCONTINUE READING THIS ARTICLE AND CHOOSE SOMETHING LESS UPSETTING TO READ, LIKE A TORTURE PORN MAGAZINE, OR "MEIN KAMPF, OR YOUR OWN RASH LOG"'  

Jeopardy: Cancer Edition is a modernized version of the popular gameshow, Jeopardy. Alex Trebek, host of the show, explains.

"Our viewership was dropping to an all time low. At first we thought it was because I was growing unnattractive, so I had a plastic surgery. But, no matter HOW much cleavage I wore to reveal my newly plus-sized breasts, our viewership still declined. It was then that it dawned on us what the real problem was. The show simply wasn't of interest to the world's population anymore. It didn't involve violence. All it was was people sitting in a room answering questions. How boring is that?"

With this in mind, the show's producers made some drastic changes. Their first change was to do away with any questions that had to do with academics. Instead, they made all the questions about sex. Now, instead of being asked a question about the history of philosophy, most contestants are shown a picture of a pair of boobs and asked to identify which porn star they belonged to. Also, all contestants were required to be naked while doing the show.

Ratings started going up immediately after this change was implemented.

But the next change was even more radical. Just like before, the winner of the show recieves a few million dollars, a shiny new car, and a lifetime supply of the fast-food item of their choice. But now, the losers of the game are no longer allowed to walk away unpunished. Instead, the two losing contestants are exposed to carcinogenic radiation.

"It's just like old Jeopardy," says Alex Trebek, "Except much more entertainment, because it involves nudity and death, all within the same half-hour with limited commercial interruption!"

Jeopardy:Cancer Edition has become a smash hit across the United States, quickly beating out the Superbowl as the most watched thing on television. ESPN has considered combating this by giving all football players dueling knives, to make football a more violent, and therefore more entertaining sport. Until then, Cancer Edition will probably remain on the top of the charts.

Incidentally, the definition of stupidity: watering a dead plant.

This article is part of the
ILLOGICOPEDIA GUIDE TO TELEVISION PROGRAMS
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