My Not-So-Super Sweet 16

This article is Illogical enough  to have made it onto the front page.  View more featured articles

Hello!

...and welcome to the latest edition of My Super Sweet 16!

And today, like always, we're setting ourselves a mission to help simply stand around with a camera while one lucky girl has her parents pay tonnes of money for a party to celebrate her sixteenth birthday!

Meet Sandy.

Her parents promised us a Sweet 16 bash we'll never forget!

Her hobbies involve lots and lots of money, so we're told, and that the dump truck they're living in right now has been pimped out to replace their house, which was apparently targeted by jealous (homosexual) terrorists; so we'll forsake the terrible looks and lack of make-up. Anyone with THAT much money can get away with anything, even being amazingly unattractive! crap, we're gonna have to cut that out of the DVD.

Every single one of her friends were too busy getting ready for the party, apparently, so we couldn't interview any of them on what they think of Sandy. Sandy's parents did tell us, however, that she's very popular in school and even sometimes gets gestures and gifts from fellow students in her locker!

So, it's time to get the preparations underway!

Day One

Presenter approaches Sandy outside her "house". Strange-looking men are pretending to build a party venue whilst stealing windows.

• Presenter: Hey, Sandy! How's it going, m'boy?
• Sandy: It'th going great! I can't wait for my thuper thpethial thweet thikthteen! (Wipes her nose with her sleeve) But I'm a girl! Eheh!
• P: Yeah! That's awesome! Have you got a date for the special event? Any lucky gals out there?
• S: No! I'm very, very lonely! And I like guyth!
• P: Er... good on ya, boy! We're very tolerant here at My Super Sweet Sixteen! (mutters something into a Walkie-Talkie) ...anyway; how's the budget coming along? Is it all going to plan?
• S: Well, tho far, I've thaved up thikth dollarth fifty-three, tho I'm doing better than I could ever have dreamed of! Eeehee!
• P: Hahaha, that's such a funny joke! No wonder you're so popular, eh?

So, as you can see, the party's really started coming along. Sandy tells me she's already started on the invitations, although the only paper I can see where she lives at the moment is toilet paper...

Day Two

Establishing shot of Sandy's back garden, in preparation for the party, which, asofnow, is a dry field swathed with wires and various forms of litter. An upset-looking dog is wearing a party hat, and is covered in streamers. The presenter and Sandy are sitting on a single toilet outside an abandoned soup kitchen.

• P: This is a very... rustic little place, isn't it? Hey, Sandy, thanks for the invitation, it was very kind of you!
• S: No problem!
• P: Only one slight gripe... why has it got a massive horse turd on it?
• S: ...um... uh...
• P: No! Wait, don't tell me... it's post-modern, isn't it!
• S: ...uh, yeah!
• P: Silly me! You must think I'm stupid for even having asked! I tell you what, I'll leave you to your preparations and I'll go punish myself in my caravan, OK?
• S: OK.

Day Six

S's mother is shown attempting to put Christmas lights on the front of their dump truck and falls down, spraining her ankle. A man on the street runs up, as if to help her, and tears out a chunk of her hair before heading to a pawnbroker's shop.

The last few days, Sandy's family have experienced a disaster. Their workers haven't turned up since day two, and now there aren't any windows within a half-mile radius. Still, ever resourceful, Sandy has headed to a local wedding reception to pick up a few things for her big bash.

S and two of her friends are shown climbing through the back window of a banquet building with a wedding reception laid out but no guests asofyet. They pass various items - including a table, a few hors d'oeuvres, a stereo and a wedding cake - through the window before running home with them.

And back home...

• P: Wow, Sandy, this is some really nice stuff! Did you get that cake made especially for you?
• S: No, I thtole-
• P: -of course you got it made, why am I asking such silly questions lately? (Pings a wristband on his arm, which has already previously drawn blood. He grimaces, then returns to his usual posturing.) Anyway, would it be alright if I interviewed your two giiirrllfriends here?
• S: Umm, thhure, I guethth. And I'm a girl, too, y'know!

P doesn't hear anything she says, but, regardless, beckons two girls over. Both of them are smoking and leaning up against a broken lamppost and a wall respectively. One turns to the side to see P and catches her torso on the lamppost's exposed wire, shocking her with electricity, and she falls to the ground with the smell of burnt hair. The other, seizing the opportunity, violently tears her skirt off once she has fallen and runs off with it. P, having worked for MTV, remains oblivious to gratuitous violence and pain, and turns to face S.

• P: Have you got any other friends?
• S: Not really.
• P: Hahaha! You're so funny. Stop making me laugh! Seriously. I could have you killed.

Day Seven

One week in, and thanks to the workers' "mysterious" disappearance, decorating is still continuing. Sandy, meanwhile, has other things on her mind. She has to book a band for her party, and that can be a long and arduous task.

Sandy is shown approaching a group of people sitting in a gutter, smoking weed. The area smells otherwise distinctly of urine.

• S: Hey, do you wanna play at my party?
• Lead singer: (Looks up at S in a drugged-up stupor.) Umm, yeah, sure, whatever.

One Week On

Two weeks in, and the presenter is slowly starting to realise why everything's going wrong.

• P: Look, I can understand the post-modern horse crap, the wedding cake, the dump truck and all that, but why, in all seriousness, why... is your sister... sleeping... in the camera?
• S: ... um, thhhe'th, um... a vampire.
• P: (Looks closer inside the camera) Oh, my, god. It all makes sense now. She's wearing a pink tracksuit.
• S: (Thinking "Oh, crap, he'th found uth out!") um, um, er...
• P: You're not rich enough for this show at all, are you?
• S: (Defeated) ...no.
• P: It all makes sense... you're not rich enough... you're... too rich! You're Britney Spears, aren't you! Am I being Punk'd?
• S: (Seizes the opportunity) Um, yeah! Yeah!! Oh, you're too good for uth all!
• P: Haha, oh, that's such a relief. You really had me going for a second! I really thought you were some ugly, trampy hillbilly boy. Turns out you were just a trampy hillbilly girl pretending to be an ugly boy!
• S: Yeah, ekthcept I'm a gir-
• P: -Well, I guess we're gonna have to stop the filming, really. You can still have your party if you want, haha. When's your next single out, by the way?
• S: Umm, I... quit... the muthic induthtry... to... become... an erotic maththeuthe.
• P: Great!

The End

The party continued as it would have, and was still filmed, as the cameraman was invited back by Sandy's flirtatious mother. No-one survived, but the episode was still screened as normal the next month, and featured as the main attraction on the DVD release. Ironically, the Presenter was since sacked and now works as a masseur in a gay spa resort. All's well that ends well. Which is why My Super Sweet 16's ratings took a massive plunge.