Dexter
“Daddy, whats that red stuff coming out of that mans ears?”
“Raspberry jam!”
“You're Dexter! I love you because you kill people”
Dexter (not to be confused with Dexter's laboratory) is a wonderful, family friendly show. Like all shows for the kids to enjoy, it features a guy living in a dream house doing his dream job, happy endings and a psychopathic main character that loves to disembowel other psychopaths.
Dexter is being used by parents the world over to encourage their kids not to kill people. "Don't kill people, or Dexter will get you!" Much like how Santa Claus doesn't visit naughty kids, only with more... drastic consequences.
Plot summary[edit | edit source]
Dexter's parents were killed when he was just a baby right in front of him giving him a never ending, vampire like urge to draw blood. Not in the artistic manner mind you. His adoptive father, a cop decided he would mold Dexter into a vigilante serial killer. In this so called "code of Harry" as it is frequently called (note: Not an actual code, just a metaphor) it teaches him to a) Only kill bad people and b) Not get caught, because we all know how much murderers ignore that last rule.
Like other shows such as breaking bad it hinges entirely on having a police force that cannot identify the freaking obvious. Despire Dexter working in the middle of the homicide department, being an expert on trace evidence and having a very strange obsession with blood, nobody thought for a second "hey, maybe Dexter kills people". Each season sees Dexter hunting down one particular bad guy often very successfully before wiping up all the evidence, disposing of the body without anybody seeing him and nobody noticing a total of 67 people have gone missing.
The plot of the introduction can be summarized as the process of eating the same breakfast, flossing and cutting yourself whilst shaving every single day. You'd think he'd just grow a beard, aye? It also involves tying up your shoes so tightly you lose all circulation before walking out the front door triumphantly as if to say "I'm definitely NOT a serial killer" *shifty eyes*
Characters[edit | edit source]
- Dexter Morgan - Dexter is a serial killer protagonist who lives in Miami with various people at various times. He sometimes lives alone, sometimes is married and sometimes separated from his loved ones owing to various "uh-oh"s involving sharp blades and a whole lot of blood. By day he is a forensic scientist which gives him a lot of experience with destroying evidence. Memorable quotes include when a cop goes "Fuck, I think I'm going to be sick" owing to disgust at a murder scene and Dexter thinks "Check out the blood splatter and trace evidence, what a freaking amateur!"
- Dark passenger - Dexter's alter ego. This guy loves blood. Like really loves blood. Not a vampire. He infected Dexter at age 3 because of a traumatic experience that he couldn't even remember until long after he started killing people. Basically a thing fueled by a thing he forgot about.
- Harry Morgan - Dexter's adoptive father. Despite the obvious handicap of being dead, he follows Dexter around guiding him on his quest to murder murderers. He impresses upon Dexter that he cannot be a husband and a serial killer and if you look in at the end of season 4 you will find out he was right.
- Debra Morgan - Gordan Ramsey tier potty mouth. Her role is to simple repeatedly fall in love with people that either wind up dead or end up being serial murderers.
- Rita Bennett - Dexter's wife. She starts out being a woman for him to appear normal and not completely void of feelings. One memorable moment is when they are watching a sad movie to which she says "Why aren't you crying?!" and he thinks to himself "Maybe if I don't blink, my eyes will tear up..." He then starts to love her and they have a son and everything suggests they will live happily ever after. However the writers had other plans for her. WHY DID YOU DO THIS YOU HEARTLESS BASTARDS?? Nzipwouqnd dmd0vmoifqrevmo[eivmnr o2r
- María LaGuerta - Starts out as a Lieutenant in Miami metro, then becomes a captain because of her ability to blackmail and then becomes deceased because of her ability to get shot.
- Vince Masuka - Forensic scientist and colleague of Dexter. He has somehow not been punched in the head 150 times, owing to his liking of making sexual innuendos in the presence of a murder victim. A fan of pornography, strippers, nightclubs and sex with women he just met. It should come as no surprise he is single.
- Angel Batista - Just another cop that doesn't do anything drastically questionable to write about. He uh... likes big hats and Hawaiian shirts, rofl?
- James Doakes - Surprise motherfucker!
Evil people[edit | edit source]
These are the main antagonists for each season respectively. They are now dead.
- Ice truck killer - A guy who likes to kill people and then chop them up and gift wrap them. Christmas happens everyday with the ice truck killer. Turns out to be Dexter's brother, just out to get to know his long lost brother by leaving him body parts. Knocking on the door and saying SURPRISE! Is just too mainstream.
- Bay harbour butcher - A guy who dumped over 100 body bags into the ocean which were found by a diving class. Turns out the entire of season 2 is dedicated to hunting a guy who is in fact Dexter. Despite having the full force of Miami metro and FBI searching for him and having him work right in the middle of the investigation nobody suspects him even for a second. Just going to show how much the plot line hinges on the detectives being completely bad at detecting.
- The skinner - Because the writers got lazy, they dedicated an entire season to a crazy guy that skinned people alive because he couldn't find his coke dealer. Said coke dealer had been killed by Dexter in the first 20 minutes, making the whole of season 3 a metaphor for something grand and mysterious.
- Trinity killer - Ordinary man so it seems. He has a nice house, nice family, nice job and runs a successful charity. He also kills 4 people every single year (tri = 4.... uh....). Kill one is always a boy he first kidnaps and makes him play with trains (yeah really). Since he's been getting away with this for 30 years, Dexter immediately wants him dead. He keeps him alive all season for some unknown reason only kidnapping and murdering him in the last 10 minutes of season 4. His dying wish is to play with his train set. He really likes trains. Also has the creeeeeeeepiest theme music.
- Season 5 bad guys that just go around doing bad things without an official name - Names are overrated for this group. The guy in charge of it is acted by the guy who plays Sherlock. Am I the only one who finds it unnerving to see heroes of one show play the villain of another? WELL, AM I?!
- DDK - Short for "Dooms Day Killer". Most of the season is spent on the pretense it's two madman, turns out it is one really, really madman. He thinks that by going on a killing spree, he will appease the gods which are coming to judge them. After a long winded search Dexter finally captures and kills him in a church only to have his sister awkwardly burst in at the last second. Dexter famously responds with "Ohai."
- Russian bad guys - Damnit, ye shifty Russians.
- Brain surgeon - A well meaning brain surgeon who doesn't understand how brain surgery works. By removing the part of the brain responsible for empathy from his victims he feels they should become like him. However as he is unskilled he forgets that such a procedure can cause mild discomfort and death.
Getting away with murder[edit | edit source]
Most of the time people don't get away with murder, sometimes they feel remorse and hand themselves in or they leave a tiny hair or drop of their blood at the scene of the crime. Other times it's down to them being so freaking obviously the guilty one that even a three year child could work it out. Strangely none of the above applies to Dexter, he says multiple times he has no feelings and that he thinks the people he is murdering "deserve it". He is not obviously a psychopath because his colleagues suck at figuring out what is painfully obvious and he is able to destroy all evidence because "He's Dexter, bitch!"
Disturbingly many people have imitated him in real life with some success and some failure. The some success comes about because they usually are able to murder, the some failure coming about because they get caught within 20 minutes. (Yes, 20 minutes)
Moral of the story: This show needs a disclaimer saying "Don't try this at home!"
Disclaimer: No really, don't try this at home or anywhere for that matter. >.>
Writers[edit | edit source]
The writers of this show are without a doubt the most heartless, evil human beings ever to pick up a pen and write. Not because they portray Miami as a city with more serial killers per square mile than anywhere ever. Not because they write a show that revolves around killers, blood and the "f" word. But because they thrown in horrible, last minute plot twists that leave every season ending with "I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT, BUT I'M REALLY SAD NOW!!1" Mainly involving a main character you've just grown to love and accept being killed off or removed from the show. They suck and I hate them for having me like this show so much. WAAAAAAH....
