Helium

Helium makes your voice sound like this.

I mean, look at that guy. He sucked 12,209 canisters of helium, and now his voice exploded. Yes, that's right. It exploded.

And it sent lots of fragments of broken pottery flying straight into the balloons. Ouch.

Ouch, if you're a balloon...

Contrary to its name, helium does not heal people.

Helium erodoxis, and how to measure it

You measure helium, like all other elements, on the Panopticon View Scale. This is not a musical scale, nor is it a weighing scale. It's a lizard scale.

You bother it with dogs.
You bribe it.
You eat it when it complains that it doesn't live in a first world country.

But does that matter? Yesno... I mean noyes.

Helium is a terrible singer, because people eat it at karaoke bars. So they can sing worse, because that's the trend.

This article is burly men unfolding umbrellas.   Maybe you should help it on its way.

Group #	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10	11	12	13	14	15	16	17	18
Period
1	1 H hydrogen				0 n neutronium	Nonsence Illogicopedian Elements												2 He helium
2	3 Li lithium	4 Be beryllium											5 B boron	6 C carbon	7 N nitrogen	8 O oxygen	9 F fluorine	10 Ne neon
3	11 Na sodium	12 Mg magnesium											13 Al aluminium	14 Si silicon	15 P phosphorus	16 S sulfur	17 Cl chlorine	18 Ar argon
4	19 K potassium	20 Ca calcium	21 Sc scandium	22 Ti titanium	23 V vanadium	24 Cr chromium	25 Mn manganese	26 Fe iron	27 Co cobalt	28 Ni nickel	29 Cu copper	30 Zn zinc	31 Ga gallium	32 Ge germanium	33 As arsenic	34 Se selenium	35 Br bromine	36 Kr krypton
5	37 Rb rubidium	38 Sr strontium	39 Y yttrium	40 Zr zirconium	41 Nb niobium	42 Mo molybdenum	43 Tc technetium	44 Ru ruthenium	45 Rh rhodium	46 Pd palladium	47 Ag silver	48 Cd cadmium	49 In indium	50 Sn tin	51 Sb Antimony	52 Te tellurium	53 I iodine	54 Xe Xenon
6	55 Cs caesium	56 Ba barium	* Lanthanoids	72 Hf hafnium	73 Ta tantalum	74 W tungsten	75 Re rhenium	76 Os osmium	77 Ir iridium	78 Pt platinum	79 Au gold	80 Hg Mercury	81 Tl Thallium	82 Pb lead	83 Bi bismuth	84 Po polonium	85 At astatine	86 Rn radon
7	87 Fr francium	88 Ra radium	** Actinoids	104 Rf rutherfordium	105 Db dubnium	106 Sg seaborgium	107 Bh bohrium	108 Hs hassium	109 Mt meitnerium	110 Ds darmstadtium	111 Rg roentgenium	112 Cn copernicium	113 Nh nihonium	114 Fl flerovium	115 Mc moscovium	116 Lv livermorium	117 Ts tennessine	118 Og oganesson
* Lanthanoids			57 La lanthanum	58 Ce cerium	59 Pr praseodymium	60 Nd neodymium	61 Pm promethium	62 Sm samarium	63 Eu europium	64 Gd gadolinium	65 Tb terbium	66 Dy dysprosium	67 Ho holmium	68 Er erbium	69 Tm thulium	70 Yb ytterbium	71 Lu lutetium
** Actinoids			89 Ac actinium	90 Th thorium	91 Pa protactinium	92 U uranium	93 Np neptunium	94 Pu plutonium	95 Am americium	96 Cm curium	97 Bk berkelium	98 Cf californium	99 Es einsteinium	100 Fm fermium	101 Md mendelevium	102 No nobelium	103 Lr lawrencium