Tanks are controlled by the government. The tanks are controlled by the people in the tanks who are controlled by the military which is controlled by the government. If the tanks shoot you, you will die, even if you are Jesus. Poor Jesus didn't even stand a chance. That's how he died. The second time, not the first time. The tanks shot him. The government got him.
Tanks have big guns on them, really just massive. Absolute whoppers. But they have wheels too. They're guns on wheels, they can move. It's horrifying. They're armored, like medieval knights. Not always like medieval knights, sometimes they're made of plastic. That's what you get for ordering an M4 Sherman on Wish.com. They're named after the devil. The devil's name is Sherman. And Shermans are tanks and the government controls the tanks so the devil controls the government. Every president since Nixon has been the same person, they're all actually named Sherman, because they're all one person who's named Sherman.
Tanks are operated by tank crews, the tank crews are the people who are in the tank. The tank crews don't know they're being controlled by the devil. They're clueless. Nobody else knows either. Until the aliens come down in their little scout ships and tell them. The aliens know the truth, they have a plan to destroy the devil. But they need our help so they come down and they tell people the truth, because they're too small to do it alone. Their ships look like toothbrushes. With guns and armor, like tanks. But they aren't massive whopping guns and they don't have wheels.
Tanks are summoned by human sacrifice. It's true. Terrorist attacks are all done by the government. They do it to their own people. To summon tanks. But if they do it too much they won't have any more poor fools to drive the tanks. And they won't have any more poor fools to donate blood to those buses. Those buses only give half of the blood to people who need transplants, they give the rest to the government. The government people inhale blood vapor to make them stronger. That's what the buses are for. The aliens are pacifists and they hate this so much that they need us to stop the government, it's not just because they're too small, it's also because they can't do it themselves because they're pacifists and they can't hurt anyone. The guns on their ships shoot armor-piercing tranquilizer darts, they don't shoot bullets.
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ILLOGICOPEDIA GUIDE TO WEAPONRY
Axe • Banana Gun • Banhammer • Bat Fuck Howitzer • Bat Fuck Moped • Blade of grass • Bomb • Bombs • Bombs that fall upwards • Burgulator • Chainsaw Bayonet • Chicken gun • Choko Chipper • Coconut gun • Confetti Knife • Conkers • Crossbow • Crowbar • Ecky-Thump • F Bomb • Feghaly • Fuffy kitty fuff (WMD) • Giant Crowbar • Gun • Ha Ha! The Bomb • Knife • Kunai • Lightsaber saber sabersword • List of Illogicopedian weapons • Machine gun • Magic bullet • Magic Missile • Mongolian Cheese Cannon • Panic • Pogo Sticks With Knives Stuck On the End • Rainbow Breath • RMDs • Sconed • ShamWow • SMG • Sock • Spartan Laser • Spontaneously Combustible Eggs • Stab • Stabatorium • Stabby thingy! • Stun gun • Suicide Bombers • Tank • The Ultimate Shotgun • Tic Tac • Ultraness SMG 513 • Vandal Smashing Bat • Vandalrist • Warisms • Weapons • Weaponized Dog Farts • Wepon • WIP • AK-420