The Spartan Laser is a high powered, high velocity, and high lactose weapon, capable of firing explosive Cheetos at a rate of 34,432 Cheetos per second. The Spartan Laser was invented by Nice T. Cya in 1879. As quoted from his Biography: "I was sitting on a beanbag eating some Cheetos, when it suddenly hit me that a high power Cheeto launcher would kick major ass. I immediately set about working on the Spartan Laser. After 14 attempts and little success, I invited Chester the Cheetah over. We smoked some mushrooms, when it hit me."
The Spartan Laser is about the size of a St. Bernard. It is shaped like a large container of orange juice. Instead of a normal trigger, it includes a stock heart monitor. When heart rate of the user goes above a certain point, the weapon automatically fires, regardless of the direction the barrel is faceing. Thus, the user of any Spartap Laser must take care in aiming the laser.
The Spartan Laser emits a loud yell of "Shoop da Whoop" when fired. The standard editions weigh approximately 23 lbs, while the 'lite' edition comes in at a nice 15.5 lbs. It comes in several color choices, including black, navy blue, almost black, and 'I-can't-believe it's-not-black' black. The Spartan Laser comes with a standard magazine of 311,111,111 cheesey rounds, but can be modified to accept a magazine of up to 100,101,001,110,010,010 cheetos.
The name 'Spartan Laser' is believed to come form two different sources. The first part of the name 'Spartan', comes from the legendary warriors of history who would beat the crap out of evereyone, as well as take their lunch money. The second part comes from the evil pet sharks of Doctor Evil. Doctor Evil often kept awesome sharks, which happened to have laser beams attatched to their heads. Also, because lasers can be used to blind people, it seemed like the perfect choice.
From Cya's Biography:
|My first idea was to call 'the Cheeto Ray', but Colonel Sanders patented that back in 1945. My friends then took me to see 300 about 14 times, so I had the image of Spartans kicking ass engrained in my brain. It was then I realised that my new weapon could be used for more then rapid cheeto distribution. I needed some sort of targeting method if I wanted to actually do some damage with the thing, so I tacked a laser pointer on the barrel, and a weapon was born.|
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ILLOGICOPEDIA GUIDE TO WEAPONRY
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