Mongolian Cheese Cannon

The Mongolian Cheese Cannon (or as it's better known, the MCC) is most definitely the most dangerous weapon in the whole world. Fact .

It is manufactured under licence by the Ol' Ma Corporation at their secret underground headquarters - The Ol' Ma Ranch - in Slough, Middlesex.

Design & Popularity

The greatness of the weapon is based in its simplicity - almost invisible to the naked eye, it fits in your pocket and is powered by the sweat collected from a virgins inner left thigh.

Its effectiveness is governed by the users proficiency, but there have been reported instances of children as young as 32 getting to grips with the complex mathematical formulae required to initially boot up the operating system.

The most prolific MCC user is Chuck Norris. Don't ask why, he just is. He doesn't actually use it because, obviously, he doesn't need to, but he's got one, just to remind him how much there is in life to be happy about.

It is also rumored that the late oligarch Colonel Sanders, most famous for his chain of kitten torturing warehouses (see: KFC), salmon tickling weekends and 'sex farms', helped design the original MCC in 1829 as a sideline business before inventing sweetcorn and the jiggawatt flux capacitor, both in 1897.

At present, there are around 6 full-time MCC users around the globe, all of which have taken the basic beginners Portuguese course required to log in to the extended menus and DVD bonus features. Also a sound understanding of Catalan, Esperanto and the act of Bartering is a must for any potential purchaser, even if you are buying the MCC as a gift. Fingerprinting and retinal scans are also necessary.

Drawbacks

Currently the MCC operating system is based on the Microsoft Windows environment, and so shortly after switching on it will "Blue Screen", leaving you completely unarmed and looking slightly foolish. This, in the trade, is known as a "Wavering Asymmetrical Nuclear Kernel" or "WANK". However - with careful instruction and with plenty of practice in your spare time, perhaps after work, on a day off, or at the weekend, one should be able to use the machine without too much trouble, and without a WANK situation.

There were talks in 1905 with the then CEO of Apple, Steve 'quit your jibba-jabba' Jobs, which outlined a proposal to equip the MCC with iPod, Apps Store and Spider Solitaire functionality - however, due to the "Stop the Mariana Trench Expansion" uprisings in 1962 talks were permanently shelved.

The Future

At some point in 2014 or maybe even 2015 the MCC will be redesigned - and imaginatively called the 'MCC-2'. The new model will offer the user a smaller, more manageable package, with the entire machine being 1/33rd the size of a human skin cell. it is rumored that the 'next gen' MCC will, more than likely be compatible with the GSM1800 network, potentailly offering the user the option to text a request via SMS to the unit - Possibly, but probably not.

It may or may not support Bluetooth.

See Also

• Mr Blobby
• Chuck Norris
• Colonel Sanders