Hurricane Katrina

From Illogicopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

For those who can't handle the real truth, the spinners of fake truth at Wikipedia have a thoroughly boring article on Hurricane Katrina.
If you got this warning on 28th August, 2005; your house is gone.

Hurricane Katrina was a hilarious smash comedy series that ran on ABC, the Aquatic Broadcasting Company, during 2005. Filmed in New Orleans, it showed the city getting a beast of a battering by a killer hurricane and disappearing into the sea. The star of the telecast is Katrina from Katrina and the Waves.

Critics say the show was aimed only at black people. Katrina's reasons for this are, presumably, her own.

Pilot Episode[edit | edit source]

Before the hurricane hit, about 80% of the city heeded the orders to evacuate. However, the remaining 20% were either

a) stubborn or
b) poor or
c) looters or
d) idiots or
v) drug addicts or
f) in an old folks home or
g) black or
p) all of the above
This can't be good; tourists mistake the city for Venice.

The city kept the left-behind in a crappy football stadium to wait out the hurricane. A football stadium. A jinxed football stadium, constructed atop an old graveyard. This interrupted the game in progress, leaving referees and officials to struggle in vain while spectators and media cried 'foul' throughout the match.

The end result was, as always, a stunning defeat for the No Orleans home team. They were wiped out yet again.

Fortunately, No Orleans rhythm and blues legend Fats Domino was rescued from a balcony after fleeing to higher ground on Blueberry Hill. Others were not so fortunate.

In a rare statement to media[1], Antoine "Fats" Domino reportedly lamented about Katrina:

You made me cry when you blew on by,
Ain’t that a tears fall like rain
Ain’t that a’re the one to blame,
You broke my heart, my town apart.
Ain’t that a tears fall like rain
Ain’t that a’re the one to blame,
Ah, yes you are,
Farewell, good-bye, although I’ll cry,
Ain’t that a tears fall like rain
Ain’t that a’re the one to blame,
You made me cry when you blew on by.
Ain’t that a tears fall like rain
Ain’t that a’re the one to blame.

Math[edit | edit source]

Katrina has been determined to be both calculating and ruthless:




Aftermath[edit | edit source]

Louisiana Superdome, former home of the San Antonio Saints

Katrina touched down across the city on Monday, August 29, 2005, plummeting it into oblivion and near apoc, apocpopo, apopclap, the word that begins with "a" that means we all die. Oh, my bad, it's Apocalypse. Flood waters reached about 20+ feet and continue to rise even though Katrina has now left, largely due to broken levées which just plain weren't worth a dam. [2] Katrina has caused similar conditions in other areas where she struck.

Mass chaos has been reported, and by the looks of it, there won't be any more Popeye's Chicken, Southern Decadence or Mardi Gras for a long, long time. The entire Cajun population has returned post-haste to Acadian New Brunswick after 250 years of exile, gay activists are scrambling to Stonewall key sections where dikes have been breached and even tourists are convinced that the looting-ridden city is now part of Iraq.

"It's downtown Baghdad. It's insane. I've wanted to come here for 10 years. I thought this was a sophisticated city. I guess not." - Denise Bollinger, a tourist from Philadelphia [3]
Katie Holmes struggles to survive during Hurricane Katrina.

No, it isn't. No power, no drinkable water, oil and gas operations out of production. Welcome to Baghdad.

"If you see it in downtown Baghdad it has no connection to us. This is different... it is beyond anything I would have thought." - Major Glenn Bergeron, deployed to No Orleans after returning from Iraq [4]
You have drug addicts that are now walking around this city looking for a fix, and that's the reason why they were breaking in hospitals and drugstores. They're looking for something to take the edge off of their jones, if you will. And right now, they don't have anything to take the edge off. And they've probably found guns. So what you're seeing is drug-starving crazy addicts, drug addicts, that are wrecking havoc. And we don't have the manpower to adequately deal with it. - Mayor and head McCheese Ray Nagin [5]

The only difference is that Baghdad is above sea level, while New Venice and No Orleans (as New Orleans is now called) is a bowl-shaped entity a few feet below the sea with Lake Pontchartrain towering above it like a reservoir tank above a backed-up toilet. Come to think of it, wasn't this a bad place to build a city at all?

"I don't want to alarm everybody that, you know, New Orleans is filling up like a bowl. That's just not happening." - Sen. David Vitter (R., La.) [6] [7]
"It was just a lake there. My first reaction was, 'Wow, we are in trouble.' I knew that amount of water should not be at that location that fast. At that point, we considered it confirmed. We knew something was wrong." - Col. Wagenaar, Army Corps of Engineers district commander. [8]
"I think there was a systematic failure at all levels of government to understand the magnitude of the situation," - FEMA regional director Marty Bahamonde [9]

Meanwhile, along the Mississippi Gulf Coast region, everything was fine. Not a single building was damaged and no one died. There were no people without power, struggling to survive and desperately wondering why no one seemed to pay any attention to their shattered landscape, which wasn't shattered because the storm did absolutely no damage to anything outside of New Orleans.

After Math, Before Biology[edit | edit source]

The cleaning of the superdome progressed slowly due to a shortage of staff

“You're supposed to build the Ark BEFORE the storm, gosh, friggin retards”

~ NOAA on the correct time for building arks

The remaining residents are being shuttled out of town on school buses and Houston METRO buses to the city of New New Orleans, currently under construction in the Aridzona desert, and an additional few to the temporary Moderately New Orleans in Texas. (This is the first sign that Houston even had a transit system.) The new residents will be employed along side Mexicans to help build Texass' new Transportation Corridor [10] that will render any and all nearby ports useless, while routing all Asian commerce away from communist California through Mexico and into Texass.

In return, Texas is sending a large number of pocket calculators in an attempt to calculate the incalculable damage.

But the fact of the matter is that:

There will be a "total evacuation of the city. We have to. The city will not be functional for two or three months." - mayor Ray Nagin

Citizens responded that while everyone is saying leave, there is no way to depart, especially if there's 20+ feet of toxic water surrounding you and your children. Refugees from the Louisiana Superdome, a doomed stadium which is rapidly becoming the Sewerdome, spent most of a week waiting to board buses to Texas and it wasn't until Thursday that FEMA officials even clued in to the presence of thousands of refugees at the convention centre.

Why did they called it 'Hurricane Katrina'? Surely it would be less confusing to just call it 'That Fuck off big storm that's gonna kill loads of people, and if you survive your gonna be raped in the football stadium'. To be fair it take longer to say, but then you don't get some one saying "so what's this Katrina thing then?"

Time to leave Nuked Orleans?
Hospitals are trying to evacuate. At every one of them, there are reports that as the helicopters come in people are shooting at them. There are people just taking pot-shots at police and at helicopters, telling them: ‘You better come get my family’.” - Coast Guard Lt Cmdr Cheri Ben-Iesan

On September 9, 2005, Time magazine honoured FEMA (Federal Emergency Making Agency) director Charlie Brown by reviewing his curriculum vitæ and explaining the difference between "serving as an assistant city manager with emergency services oversight" versus being "assistant to the city manager. The assistant is more like an intern".

"If you'll look at my lovely FEMA attire you'll really vomit. I ama fashion god." - FEMA director Michael Brown to New Orleans EOC as Katrina made landfall [11] [12]

Brown was inducted into the Order of the Pink Slip to pay respect for his unprecedented courage in making sure that FEMA was FUBAR. [13]

"Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job." - George W. Bush [14]
Bush "struck the right balance between political appointees and career professionals to oversee the relief efforts." - Dick Cheney, VP [15]

Michael Brown's final act was to unveil the city's new tourism slogan, "Storing dead niggers ain't none of my fucking business." This replaces a previous slogan, "let the good times roll" («laissez les bons temps rouler»).

Recovery Efforts[edit | edit source]

Glimmers of hope: this beach bar offered free phone service to displaced citizens of Bay St. Louis.

The government continues to be criticized, with President Bush taking much well-deserved heat for the slowness of the recovery. Who really plays golf and rides horses while thousands of people are dying? Who elected this jackass? Oh, that's right, US!

Nobody could have "anticipated" the breach of the New Orleans levées - Bush to ABC's Good Morning America on the Thursday morning after Katrina struck [16]
"I think the bottom line message here is that we and the local officials knew the capacity of this levée system to handle this storm. And that is exactly why the mayor and the governor ordered the evacuation of New Orleans, because they knew that if a Category 4 or 5 hurricane were to strike New Orleans, that this levée system could not be relied upon." - Lt. Gen. Carl Strock, commander, Army Corps of Engineers [17]

The mayor of No Orleans, formerly New Orleans, cursed out the president and government on a radio show, while the citizens themselves complained that the so-called buses have yet to arrive. Authorities blame the disappearing buses for disappearing.

"They've been out there all day in the blistering sun. No bus is picking them up because there is no destination for the people. More people will die from dehydration and starvation than from the floods." - Jesse Jackson, of the thousands of refugees on I-10. [18]

Again, our lovely government at work. Idiots!

"It doesn't need to be seen, it's a make-shift morgue in there. We're not letting anyone in there anymore. If you want to take pictures of dead bodies, go to Iraq." - a National Guardsman to a Reuters photographer at the convention centre [19]
"George Bush hates midgets." [20] [21] - Chris Rock

Meanwhile, National Guard troops offered by New Mexico and accepted by Louisiana governor Kathleen Babineux Blanco on Sunday, just before Katrina hit, were still waiting for an OK from Washington on Thursday to intervene. [22] At some point, the new Mexican authorities realised that Washington is currently unresponsive because he's dead and has been dead for over two hundred years, but by then many more were dead in the massive bowl of polluted floodwaters of No Orleans.

"If it's a Category 5 hurricane, then frankly it doesn't take an Einstein to figure out that it's going to overwhelm local capacity and that they are going to be in a world of hurt. You don't have to wait until there are bodies floating around in the water to start activating the National Guard." - Michael Lindell, Texas A&M Hazard Reduction and Recovery Centre [23]

By Thursday, even El Salvador was offering to send soldiers to stop the widespread looting in N'awlins. [24]

Afghanistan [25] and Haiti [26] have also offered aid.

When asked about his attempts to handle the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, Bush replied:

"I don't know about handling, but as far as my wife is aware, I have not had a secular relationship with this hurricane. Katrina was only a friend."

He then added that his remarks depended upon the definition of "friend". Katrina was not available for comment.

In case of emergency[edit | edit source]

You probably should loot this first.

So what do you do if you're affected by her?

Loot Find Get Stuff[edit | edit source]

  • If you're black you're supposed to LOOT! If you're white or something in between (gray or off-white), you're supposed to 'find' things.
  • Ignore the top statement. Looters are being shot by police and other looters; we sure are NOT filing any claims.
    • No, actually do it! Loot, since the police are helping to organize the looting. [27]
      • Of course the looters loot. That's what looters are SUPPOSED to do; otherwise they wouldn't be looters.
  • Get a cushy job for one of the municipal governments, where you can steal disaster relief supplies [28] or go on the Las Vegas trips intended for rescue workers. [29]
  • Join the NOPD and go loot a Cadillac dealership! [30]
  • Sign up for FEMA handouts a few more times under fake addresses and bogus SSNs. [31] FEMA's FUBAR anyway, so hopefully they won't mind.
    • Impersonate FEMA workers and rip off victims seeking trailers to replace their destroyed homes. [32] No one in No Orleans has ever seen a real live FEMA worker yet, so how would they know the difference?
    • Heck, go join FEMA, that way even if you're offering bribes to add fictitious people to the payroll [33] or taking the fuel that should be running hospital generators [34] you're not "looting", you're "commandeering"
  • Considering foraging for food, water, and that big screen TV you've always wanted.
  • Steal and stockpile food, in preparation for imminent national shortages of crawfish and jambalaya.
  • Steal a big fancy new colour TV, as a distant souvenir of what life was like before the electricity was gone. Don't expect power to ever come back though; Entergy is bankrupt in No Orleans as a result of Katrina. [35]
  • Hijack a Coach Bus (with the T.V.'s, and Bathrooms, and Plush Seats) and drive it to Houston.
  • Loot some diving equipment, so the water cannot drown you! Or use air beds to try to float to Cuba, Venezuela, the Dominican Republic or the various other countries who claim to want to help.
  • Barricade yourself inside like 10000 others refusing to leave the police-destroyed city [36]
  • Make donations to hurricane relief charities... with stolen credit cards [37]
  • Jack a mail truck, try to escape, and get caught by the cops in another state.
  • Wait for the next hurricane, after all, you lost your job, house, friends, family, etc and have nothing else to live for. In fact, start acting like a pirate already to get ready for the next round of looting.
  • Stockpile up weapons, when you kill someone take their weapons too. You need something to fight off those troops that Bush will send to try and convince you to move anyway, if they really do arrive that is. You'll also need plenty of firepower to defend your property and business from looting by what has long been one of the worst police departments in the nation. [38]
"If it had been Pintos, nobody would have said anything. It got attention because it was Cadillacs." - NOPD Capt. Marlon Defillo, defending $4.6 million of looting by police at a Cadillac dealership. [39]

Go batfuck insane[edit | edit source]

  • Start fires and watch them burn. Just because there's water everywhere, that doesn't mean there's water pressure for hoses to put the fires out. [40] Besides, if FEMA is looking for firefighters it's to do PR work[41], not to actually fight the fires that are breaking out at the rate of fifteen a day.[42]
  • Steal guns and shoot at the helicopters that are trying to rescue your people! It's fun! And it makes you die faster! [43]
  • Torch anything that isn't too wet to burn. Insurance that doesn't cover flood damage will cover damage due to fire.
  • Shoot at the people trying to repair the city's flood defences... it'll surely make you really popular in flooded New Orleans. [44]
  • If you ever do manage to escape flooded No Orleans, be sure to thank your new hosts by going on a murder spree in your new communities, whether in Texas [45] [46], Oklahoma [47] or even faraway California [48].
  • Heck, just ignore the warnings to leave your homes, and fight off the firefighters and police trying to help you out. It is your house, and you deserve to live in it, even if the water is up to your waist. In fact, keep taking baths in the water as well as wash clothes and dishes in it as well. A little toxic waste never hurt anyone, and you might win a Darwin Award for your efforts.

Send In The Cavalry Politicians![edit | edit source]

President Bush performs his heartfelt rendition You don't have to live like a refugee proving once and for all that he does indeed care about black people.
  • Send out John Kerry on a swift boat to save the city.
  • Evacuate to the Astrodome in Texas in the hopes they'll let you sleep on their Astroturf™ or go hide in Iraq. [49]
  • Go camp out on J.R. Ewing's ranch in Dallas, as the rest of Texas is already full with New Orleans refugees.
  • Find a CNN reporter and tell them a tearful story
  • ...along with tens of thousands of others.
  • Organise a bus tour of neighbourhoods which no longer exist. [50] It'll keep the locals busy now that all tourism has been destroyed.
  • Appeal to NATO and the EU for food rations and supplies. [51] Just don't be surprised if the FDA torches the lot of it. [52]
  • Rename the city after Basra, a similar southern Gulf port city in Iraq, in the hopes that Bush will send troops. [53]
Did you know...
In the aftermath of Katrina, Brownie did a heck of a job?
  • Keep counting to see if you have any family members missing; the X's and zeroes spraypainted onto your destroyed home just mean that bored relief workers were busy playing Tic-Tac-Toe and should not be interpreted to mean there are no bodies inside. [54]
  • Don't depend on George Bush, or his mother. They will only promote Houston and hand out plum reconstruction contracts to Republican party hacks [55] who will subcontract the work to firms of illegal immigrants. [56] [57]
  • Celebrate! According to Barbara Bush (the current Shrub's mommy), you were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for you! [58]
  • Pretend that nothing is wrong, and learn to live underwater and like it. You did, after all, vote for George W. Bush because you thought nothing was wrong with the way he ran the country.
  • Put a big sign on your roof threatening the president. Nothing will bring the government in faster than a black man threatening the president.

Call in a BAMF[edit | edit source]

  • Get Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick all the debris to Mars. He would've roundhouse kicked Katrina in the first place, but he was too busy helping Dan Quayle spell "potatoe" and then roundhouse kicking Quayle for being a dumbass.
  • Get Samuel L. Jackson to kill those motherfuckin' snakes that are now floating around New Orleans.

Float (where buoyant)[edit | edit source]

Many residents of Nuked Orleans had all sorts of adventures.
  • Build an ark! Army engineers now estimate 40 days and 40 nights for the floodwaters to subside. [59]
  • Flag down the Russian Kursk submarine and ask for assistance!
  • Hitch a ride on a luxury cruise liner [60] or a Canadian warship [61] to get out of town.
  • Steal a gondola. Canal Street would make a mighty fine canal right about now.

Be Creative[edit | edit source]

  • Ride through the village on water polo horses, leaving nothing but havoc in your wake.
  • Evolve really really fast. Or, if you're a creationist, pray to the God that has already abandoned you!
  • Become white and evacuate to your summer home in the Hamptons
  • Try make a saving roll against natural disasters. Elves have a +2 bonus, tourists suffer a -3 penalty.
  • Wait for Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn to show up on a raft from further up the Mississippi; hitch a ride from them.
  • Board a streetcar named Desire in the hopes that it's driving anywhere out of town.
  • Declare today "Mardi Gras" and go topless in the soggy-but-still-standing French Quarter (€ 0.25) if you happen to be there! It's especially fun when you're drunk. [62]
  • Declare today "July 4" and watch the fireworks and pretty colours from the flaming hazmat warehouses. [63]

Last Resort: Use Your Fucking Head[edit | edit source]

  • Go on your roof. Water can drown people. That's bad.
  • Make big signs that say HELP!. They really work.
  • Don't swim in the water. Ever. Or you will die instantly! Like in Vice City!
  • Move to Denver. It's above sea level. Or go to Memphis and sing the blues.
    This is how most people survived hurricane katrina.
  • Lucky you, you survived the worst natural disaster in US history. Get a book deal and write about it and have it made into a TV Miniseries.
  • If all else fails, use the radio or TV. And don't talk to strangers. And if that gives, hey, you lived a full life. What? You didn't?!?! That sucks.

Things To Do While Trapped in the Attic[edit | edit source]

  • Die.
  • ... or dont.
  • Have good, long sex.
  • With your dog
  • Well what did you expect? All the women died.
  • Write a diary, Anne Frank style, and sell your story [64] to CNN.
  • It's about time you went through your old record collection.
  • Put a message in a bottle, and wait for Superman to reply. But when it's all over, expect a lot of bottles to litter the streets.
  • Don't bother calling 9-1-1. There's a two-week backlog to respond to your call. Half the city could already be drained by then.

If All Else Fails[edit | edit source]

  • AHHHHHHHHHH *jumps in water and dies*
  • AAAA!
"We're in the business of helping people, and we're listening to their last words. We're not used to just listening to people die." - New Atlantis police Capt. Stephen J. "Flash" Gordon, 9-1-1. [65]
"The likelihood is there are people we will not find. If we have coffins that have washed 30 miles away, I can assure you there are people who have."- Dr. Louis Cataldie, St. Louisiana medical examiner [66]

Life After No Orleans[edit | edit source]

If you have left New Orleans, DON'T COME BACK. That's not a joke. You might as well get used to Houston, besides they have Hurricane Rita and that light rail train that kills people. Isn't that fun!

"What's going to happen when we de-water and remove the water from New Orleans is we're going to uncover people who died, maybe hiding in houses, got caught by the flood, people whose remains are going to be found in the streets. It is going to be about as ugly of a scene as I think you can imagine." - Michael Chertoff, secretary, Homeland Insecurity [67]
"The condition in which we're finding our individuals essentially eliminates any chance of a visual identification" - Dr. Louis Cataldie [68]
"It looks like a lot of that place could be bulldozed. We ought to take a second look at it. But you know we build Los Angeles and San Francisco on top of earthquake fissures and they rebuild too. Stubbornness." - Dennis Hastert (R-IL), Speaker [69]

Mississippi[edit | edit source]

This is what's left of Waveland, Miss. No, it didn't look like that before, Miss. You shore got a purty mouth, Miss.
:"Dam! That was one fat bitch!"

In reality, Hurricane Katrina just gave New Orleans a long-overdue bath, while every house and outhouse on the Mississippi coast was turned into scrap wood. However, nobody noticed, because most Americans didn't know that Mississippi had a coast in the first place. They thought it was all Klansmen and Civil War re-enactors.

"There's nothing left. You expect to see something, boards or something. But there's nothing there." - John Anderson, Shearwater [70]
"I don't think you've seen anything like this. We're talking nuclear devastation." - Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour (R) to FEMA's Michael Brown [71]

The few who knew that Mississississ, um, whatever was a state at all were happy to learn that the state would continue its proudest tradition: ensuring that no other state will ever be #50 on any list of state accomplishments.

"Out of the rubble of Trent Lott's house … there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch." - George W. Bush inspecting the damage in Mississippi [72]
"Ain't no use in running. The worst is over. I'm going to kick it out and see what happens. What we need is some portable toilets." - Louis Russell, homeless storm victim in Biloxi MS [73]

Alabama[edit | edit source]

The hurricane demolished the part of Alabama that should have been part of Florida in the first place, but at least Mississippi is still #50.

Most affected was the town of Mobile, Alabama, the state's only salt-water seaport. As the town itself is Mobile, Alabama's good 'ol boys attempted to get it out of harm's way by loading it on the back of an old pick-up truck and heading for the hills. Unfortunately, much damage was still sustained both as a result of high winds and a collision between a floating oil platform and a major highway bridge as they were trying to hightail Mobile, Alabama out of Katrina's path. [74]

Can Nuked Orleans sink any lower?[edit | edit source]

Literally[edit | edit source]

According to geologists, yes. The city was originally built on mud which had been washed into the delta by the Mississippi River. As the mud sank, the river used to deposit a new layer of mud on top of it, making it look stable and intact. Dam or divert the river and the supply of new sediment dries up. Drain the muddy ground in order to build a city, and the ground becomes lower still - eventually ending up further below sea level. Hence the geologic nightmare that is No Orleans.

Figuratively (which is what we meant, dumbass)[edit | edit source]

Refugees being held by National Guard at gunpoint in the Superdome and convention centre seemed much less certain that the city could sink any lower than it has already. Not only has it been reduced to looting and gunfire, with the shelters themselves becoming dangerously unsafe, but refugees are reported to have been killed both by police and by militia:

  • "They killed a man here last night. A young lady was being raped and stabbed. And the sounds of her screaming got to this man and so he ran out into the street to get help from troops, to try to flag down a passing truck of them, and he jumped up on the truck's windscreen and they shot him dead." - refugee Steve Banka;
  • "Last night at 8 p.m. they shot a kid of just 16. He was just crossing the street. They ran him over, the New Orleans police did, and then they got out of the car and shot him in the head." - refugee Wade Batiste; both commenting to Reuters [75]
Lady Death in her Mexican incarnation as 'La Catrina'

On the other hand, the violence may have been somewhat overstated. Heck, Geraldo Rivera went into New Orleans and he was not hit with a folding chair, not shot at, not stabbed, not raped and, most importantly, not given a decent haircut.

Conspiracy theorists have also determined that the reports that the violence may have been somewhat overstated may also be somewhat overstated [76] and the shooting of Danny Brumfield, 45, by police outside the convention centre remains under investigation [77]. While the chief of police has been forced to resign, cleaning up No Orleans tarnished image [78] may prove even more difficult than cleaning up the Superdome, a forever-jinxed site built atop the city's oldest Protestant graveyard [79].

Mayor Nagin continues to impose one arbitrary curfew after another on the ruined city in a desperate attempt to get NOPD off the streets early so that they can commit fewer crimes. Unfortunately, the beatings have continued unimpeded. This can't be good for tourism.

"Hurricane Pam"[edit | edit source]

A FEMA "test run" which took place a year before Katrina unleashed her wrath on America, the "Hurricane Pam" exercise had predicted much of the chaos which followed Katrina. With evacuation plans clearly only 10% complete, many thousands would be guaranteed to be left behind.

"If you think soup lines in the Depression were long, wait 'til you see lines at these collection points. We're at less than 10 percent done with this trans planning when you consider the buses and the people," - U.S. Transportation Department regional emergency officer Don Day, July 29, 2005. [80]

"As a dry run for the real thing, Pam should have been a wake-up call that could not be ignored. Instead, it is apparent that a more appropriate name for Pam should have been 'Cassandra' -- the mythical prophet who warned of disasters but whom no one believed." - Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME) [81]

Countless other predictions of Katrina's wrath were made and ignored in the months and years leading up to this unprecedented disaster. Perhaps if she were named something menacing like Hurricane Osama instead of "Pam" or Katrina, US authorities would've sat up and paid attention before it was too late?

However future threats can be prevented because creation scientists have discovered that Katrina was caused by the gay pride parades triggering God's wrath. The U.S. military plans to invest into a gay army that causes natural disasters were ever they perform their gay natural disaster summoning parades.

Hurricane Katrina....... Mass Conspiracy?[edit | edit source]

Bert observes the ruins of New Orleans post-hurricane

Many people are now attempting to find out if Katrina was in fact, a NATURAL Disaster.

Top secret reports were found inside a Soviet union base, by an British Intelligence Agent Named 33Alpha765 Kodi Whitehurst.. His finding show that the day on which Katrina formed, a very small circle of wind was exiting Russian Borders... in a few hours it tuned into a Massive Hurricane which sunk the bowl-city of New Orleans.. The report also explained WHY. Apparently, the Soviet Embassy had ordered its best Agents to run around in a large circle in order to create a funnel of wind. they wanted to see what would happen if New Orleans filled with water, because, and this was the exact wording of the Report "We can't Resist it". Several weeks later it was revealed that this was a forgery put forth by the White House to justify an invasion of Asia.

The reports also showed a blueprint for a new prototype human DNA formular, to create superior warriors... This Blueprint was called "Operation: Chimera".

War on Terra, or as the liberals say, Global Warming.[edit | edit source]

USA flooded by Katrina

White House spokesman Scott McClellan decried the terrible actions of Katrina and said that the Administration was examining "all available options". However, sources close to Secretary of War Condoleeza Rice and Secretary of Grouchy Old School Masters Donald Rumsfeld said that a full scale attack on Iran was being planned in response to the destruction which has taken place in New Orleans. Nonetheless, the additional military spending will leave less money for the Army Corps of Engineers to go fix the dam levées and floodwalls anchored in ten feet of mud, sand and swamp peat that caused the problems in the first place.

"If a terrorist had blown up the 17th Street Canal levée, then everybody would have jumped all over that" - FEMA's Michael Brown on why nobody cares about Katrina. [82]

Meanwhile, the war against Katrina in this Gulf may be costing as many lives as the war against Saddam in the Persian Gulf. Over a thousand bodies have been recovered in Louisiana [83] in addition to hundreds more in Mississippi and other states, including the state of advanced decomposition.

"A temporary disruption" - George W. Bush [84]
"This is a national disgrace. FEMA has been here three days, yet there is no command and control. We can send massive amounts of aid to tsunami victims, but we can't bail out the city of New Orleans." - Terry Ebbert, head, Gnu Orleans emergency operations [85]
" To augment the tragedy, the government of the world's richest nation defied the general expectation that at the first sign of the storm it would muster an armada of ships, boats and helicopters for the rescue operation. For nearly three days it sat smugly apathetic to the people's plight, their need for food, medicine and other basic necessities." - The Nation, a Pakistani newspaper [86]
"If we can't respond faster than this to an event we saw coming across the Gulf for days, then why do we think we're prepared to respond to a nuclear or biological attack?" Newt Gingrich (R), former speaker [87]
"We have been abandoned by our own country. Hurricane Katrina will go down in history as one of the worst storms ever to hit an American coast, but the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina will go down as one of the worst abandonments of Americans on American soil ever in U.S. history. It's not just Katrina that caused all these deaths in New Orleans here... Bureaucracy has committed murder here in the greater New Orleans area, and bureaucracy has to stand trial before Congress now." - Aaron Broussard, Jefferson Parish President.[88]
"What didn't go right?" - George W. Bush [89][90]
"We are doing the best we can with the resources we have, but almost all of our guys are in Iraq. They care more about Iraq and Afghanistan than here." - a Louisiana National Guard soldier [91]

Copycat storms[edit | edit source]

This destroyed bank's sign caused many conservative Christians to call the hurricane God's warning against premarital sex.

After destroying New Orleans, Katrina was eventually downgraded to a tropical depression on August 30, 2005 and is currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation at a hospital in Canada as a danger to herself and others. Plans to air-drop one million Prozac pills on Katrina are currently being organized; drug manufacturers are struggling to fill this large prescription.

Rumour has it that that this entire event was caused by menopause combined with giving up Woodbines.

Katrina was such a hit (being the lead story on National news every night for a month), that she inevitably produced many copycat storms. Her younger sister, Hurricane Rita, attempted to destroy Houston (a larger, more productive, less jazzy version of New Orleans) in much the same way as Katrina. On approach, however, she realized that Houston didn't have an outdated levée system to exploit, or any levée system at all for that matter, so she resorted to flooding New Orleans again in a much more pathetic and half-assed fashion. While she got points for irony, her effort was largely panned as a second-rate sequel worthy of Hollywood.

Ichabod Crane's response[edit | edit source]

A few days after Hurricane Katrina made landfall on New Orleans and Biloxi, Ichabod Crane, an awkward country schoolmaster based out of Sleepy Hollow, NY, sued alleging that NOAA had named the hurricane after his girlfriend Katrina Van Tassel because somebody who didn't like Katrina bribed them. At the end of September 2005, NOAA will be giving Ichabod Crane $1 billion as compensation.

In the meantime, NOAA is busy constructing an ark in response to widespread flooding left in the storm's wake, which had spread all the way from New Orleans into the wretched Sleepy Hollow glen.

"It was an evil spirit possessed you. I pray God it is satisfied now, and you find peace. The evil eye has done its work; my life is over, spared for a lifetime of horrors in my sleep, waking each day to grief. Goodbye, Katrina." - Ichabod Crane [92]

Katrina, meanwhile, has gone on to stardom in American cinema opposite Clark Gable in Gone With The Wind.


See also[edit | edit source]

2005 Atlantic hurricane season

Hurricane Dennis - Hurricane Katrina - Hurricane Rita - Hurricane Wilma - Hurricane βeta

This article was
too bizarre for Uncyclopedia,
  but Illogicopedia loves random stuff
 Uncyclopedia.png Wiki.png