Flying Spaghetti Monster
“I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.”
“All hail meatsauce, full of beef. The Spaghetti Monster is with you...”
“Come, Holy Sauce, Creator blest, and, in our pasta, give us thy rest...”
“long ago a singing monkey wanted to rule all life and created a hideous monstrosity of a disguise.”
His Noodliness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the ultimate truth in the universe. It is the central point of worship in the religion commonly known as Flying Spaghetti Monsterism or Pastafarianism, according to which it is The Creator and Overseer, watching our lives and our world, changing them as it sees fit, by use of his most holy noodly appendage.
Incredibly, this ancient religion was not well-known until its rediscovery in 2005 by graduate student Bobby Henderson. He shall live on forever in the afterlife next to the Beer Volcano. Due to this incredible rebirth, Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is now one of the world's most edible and fastest-growing religions.
- 1 Overview
- 2 Religion
- 3 Religious Leaders
- 4 Pirates and global warming
- 5 Pastafarian Quotes of Wisdom
- 6 His Names
- 7 WWFSMD?
- 8 Sects
- 9 Creation
- 10 Automated Creationism
- 11 Rituals
- 12 Prayers
- 13 Afterlife
- 14 Ultimate Destruction And Punishment of Heathens
- 15 In popular culture
- 16 In education
- 17 In physics
- 18 In politics
- 19 See also
- 20 Important Figures
- 21 Assorted Lies
- 22 One more thing
The One True Monster
The Flying Spaghetti MONSTER is only called such because of his distinctly non-human form; we were not created in his image, not by a long shot.
“Let us sing praise to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, for He is a loving God. Of His might and dominion, there is no compare; of His mercy and deliciousness, there is no equal. No other god can challenge Him; in the taste test, He is invincible. Through His pasta, He has blessed us with everlasting life, and holy is His Name. For He is the Flying Spaghetti Monster: the One, True, and Most High God, creator of man and midgit, giver of pasta, giver of sauce, from age to holy age; not created He was, but ever He lives, through the glory of spaghetti, now and forever. R'Amen.”
As previously noted, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is composed of two separate and distinct parts (three, if it happens to be covered in Parmesan cheese):
The Major Pastaer
- The Flying: This part of the Flying Spaghetti Monster gives it flight, allowing it to span infinite distances in infinitesimal spans of time. This part is irreducibly complex, hyper-real (see Weird Calculus), and cannot be broken down into components. Doing so – if it were even possible, and it isn't – would incur the wrath of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It is proven by this series of math-like squiggles:
The original formula revealed to Pastafarian scholars did not include the butter and toast element, which is necessary to relate kittens to antigravity. The Flying Spaghetti Monster inspired this revision one day when He skipped breakfast.
- The Spaghetti Monster: This is commonly recognized as the "body" of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and, unlike its other major counterpart, is composed of several smaller sections. These are called the Minor Pastaer.
The Minor Pastaer
- The Meatera: It is a symbol of strength and fortitude. This is the source of the Flying Spaghetti Monster's power.
- The Spaghettien: Proceeds from the Meatera. Also known as the "Noodly Appendage," this allows for the Flying Spaghetti Monster to extend its grasp across the reaches of the universe, affecting everything and anything.
- The Saucon: Issues forth from the Meatara and the Spaghettien. This is the veil of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Through this, it is unseen and intangible, but allows it to affect anything and everything at will. There is a great deal more documentation on this phenomenon, but I wish to keep this section from being too lengthy.
“Arrrr. To be a good follower of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, ye should drink much meade and surround yerself with as many buxom wenches as possible.”
“Accept His Noodly Magnificence into your heart, into your soul, and ye shall forever be free. R'Amen.”
“In the Name of the Pasta, and of the Sauce, and of the Holy Meatballs...”
“In Soviet Russia, Bank Robs You!!!(wait, that happens in America too...) ”
The Flying Spaghetti Monster is the sole deity in the monotheistic religion known as Flying Spaghetti Monsterism (FSMism pronounced 'effessmisum'). It has widely been accepted as fact that this is the one and only true religion, just as the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the true Creator and Overseer. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is not a jealous deity, He doesn't punish the worship of other, false gods, but He really wishes you got some sense and worshiped Him, so you can spend eternity in Heaven, near the Stripper Factory and the Beer Volcano.
According to tradition, the Flying Spaghetti Monster will only inspire those who regularly feast upon the sacred meal of mead and undercooked spaghetti; apparently, He first appeared to the prophet Mosey in this way.
Like the Bible, much of Flying Spaghetti Monsterist lore was passed from generation to generation, much like The Iliad, The Odyssey, and The Aeneid. This was, of course, until it was codified in 1492. There are numerous records of this event as well.
The religion's first three, and most important, religious figures all have texts on their life: Mosey, Ragu, and Ishmali Camuwundra; the last two actually having written down their message, Mosey having died before transcribing his. Ragu himself penned many of the religion's prayers, which are still in use today, while Ishmali Camuwundra wrote most of FSM's more thoughtful and theological works, many of which contemplated the wonderful divinity of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
According to the sacred creed of the First United Church, Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the true religion. Much like the trickster, God, of Christianity, the Flying Spaghetti Monster also deceives the scientific world. This is possible only because the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the only all-powerful being, and only all-powerful beings can change laboratory results unbeknownst to their finders, showing that the Flying Spaghetti Monster must, in fact, exist. Bear in mind that His ways are mysterious, and there are numerous texts that explain why.
There are at least 18,000,000 Flying Spaghetti Monsterists in the world today, but due to persecution, they often remain in hiding. However, a recent revival movement by Bobby Henderson, America's foremost expert on Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, shows promise in bringing them into the spotlight.
There are various known sects of modern Monsterism, from the tight-knit Orthodox Monsterist Church of West Virginia and Southern Québec, to the loosely associated Pastafarians of the Caribbean, to the Flaspamonists of South Central Los Angeles, the Underground FSMer's of Westford, the Mystical Order of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Moomin Church of His Spaghettiness of Jersey (channel Islands), the other Moomon Church of His Spaghettiness, the Croxettians, the Giglish, the Cavetellists, and the open-minded, deeply Piratian First United Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
A heretical sect, the Reformed Church of Alfredo, is in deep opposition to the mainstream Monsterists, as is SPAM‘a (Spaghetti & Pulsar Activating Meatballs) Linuinism, another FSM splinter group. Claiming to have The One, True Letter to the Kansas School Board, SPAM‘a's founder, Skamfor Prophet, has warned that those who believe in Henderson's FSM version of the Letter will be sent—with only waxed-paper wrapping to protect them—into the sub-zero void of interstellar space, where they will be subjected to eternal freezer burn. Allegedly, the Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God is loosely allied with the Alfredists, though they have made no official statement.
There also exists a small but increasing sect that broke off the traditional Pastafarians, called Moundarianism. Moundarians believe that the Mound, a sacred lump of mold and accumulated dirt that resides at the end of the 96th St and Broadway ("1" train) subway station in New York City, is a Prophet of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Mound is appeased by sacrifices of various plastic-based items. Moundarians also take regular pilgrimages to their Mound, taking photographs and offerings of green-flavored soda.
There is a group of Pastafarian monks known as the Labluegirlists, who seek to bring in the Spaghetti Monster's Noodly Appendages through sexual intercourse. Those monks are very influential in Japan, and their initiates, known as "kappas", live in Japanese brooks and streams everywhere and drown people. Over two hundred years, those kappas become full-fleged "poltergeists", and they seek to seduce the Spaghetti Monster, through His noodly appendages, to have intercourse with them by employing a "Miko Mido", or priestess.
The first person to learn of His Noodliness was the heroic pirate, Captain Mosey of the good ship Lasagne.
Born in Phoenicia, Mosey was the son of a sea cook, who was killed one day at sea by the vicious pirate king, Blackhook. When Mosey learned of the death of his father, he built himself a raft and attempted to go after Blackhook himself; however, he came ashore on an island often frequented by the pirate king's crew and was caught off guard.
After taking Mosey hostage, Blackhook fed him a dinner of undercooked noodles with mead, sending Mosey into a delirious stupor. At first seeing visions of elephants, strippers, and midgets, Mosey finally saw an image he would never forget: a giant monster, made of spaghetti, floating above a starry sea. The monster approached Mosey and said to him, "Do not be afraid. I am your God."
The monster soon revealed to Mosey that he had hid himself from the world on purpose, "so that they may not become incredulous at my appearing." He then told Mosey that he was to be "my prophet, my messenger to the people, who will give them news of my Coming, and rejoice with them." When Mosey exclaimed that he had neither the courage nor the personal bearing to be the messenger of an unknown god, the monster replied, "My son, do not be afraid; I, the One, True, and Most High God, will guide you."
After being marooned on a deserted island by the pirates, Mosey took the initiative: he caught a couple of sea turtles and roped them together with hair from his back to make a raft. He then travelled to the nearest port city, Cyrene, where he expounded to all the great vision he had had of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM). The people, believing this to be a most holy sign, rose up against Blackhook when he next came to the port and destroyed his vast fleet of ships, killing Blackhook himself in the process.
Now free of their vicious tyrant, Mosey led the people, his new followers, to a nearby mountain, Mount Salsa, where, at the top, the FSM spoke to Mosey and gave him 10 stone tablets upon which the FSM's wishes were stated. Unfortunately, Mosey dropped two of the stones on the way down the mountain, leaving the Eight "I Really Rather You Didn'ts". This is believed to be the reason behind his people's flimsy moral standards.
Mosey's people became the first Pastafarians, and soon bought a vessel from the Roman Navy, which they deemed a missionary vessel, calling it Lasagne. They began roaming the seas, storming vessels and kidnapping young Romans to be converted; if they did not accept, they would be held for ransom at a ridiculously low price, which no one ever challenged. Sadly, this would be the cause of Mosey's downfall.
As a young man, Julius Caesar planned on taking a trip to Greece by sea. Unfortunately for him, the Pastafarians seized control of the vessel he was on in 75 BC (Pastafarian Year 1), kidnapped Caesar, and held him for ransom. Caesar was insulted at the ransom demand, which was disgustingly low, and promised to crucify the crew of the Lasagne after he was free. At his insistence, Mosey raised the ransom demand to a level in accordance with his station: his friends quickly raised the sum. After his freedom was purchased, he assembled a small army, which captured Mosey, along with a few of his closest friends, and crucified him. They then dismantled the Lasagne and sold it for scrap.
According to the prophet Ragu, one of those who evaded Caesar's forces, Mosey's last words were, "Die, sir? Why, that's the last thing I'll do!" His body was burned, and his ashes scattered to the four corners of the earth, by the remnants of the Lasagne crew; the first Pastafarian community.
The great prophet Ragu, the One True Heir to the prophet Mosey, was born in the port city of Cyrene to a local farmer, who raised him to follow in his footsteps. Ragu, however, could not function in normal society, being plagued with epileptic fits that constantly ostracized him from the community.
At the age of ten, Ragu was part of a miracle performed by the pirate Mosey, who had just arrived in Cyrene and was preaching the good news of the FSM. As a sign, Mosey touched the boy's head with some wet noodles that had been dipped in sauce blessed through the FSM; Ragu's epilepsy never returned. He soon became a devout follower of the pirate, inspiring the people to rise up against the pirate king Blackhook when next he came to Cyrene.
At nearly all of his religion's greatest moments, Ragu was there. When Mosey went up to the top of Mt. Salsa to receive to word from the FSM, Ragu was there, keeping the people calm with words of wisdom. When it came time for Mosey to buy a missionary vessel, Ragu selected the one they would use, even christening it Lasagne.
After 12 years at sea, Ragu was one of those who survived the attack on the Pastafarian vessel, soon becoming the spiritual leader of this group of people as well. After composing a number of prayers to the FSM, Ragu led his people off the shores of the Mediterranean and into what is now Saudi Arabia, wandering through the desert and most of Iran for 47 years until they finally reached the foot of the Himalayas, at which point they began to build the holy city of Hanuwumdra.
In AD 26 (Pastafarian Year 101), at the ripe old age of 123, after having completed directing the building of Hanuwumdra and having composed over 500 hymns and prayers since the burning of the Lasagne, Ragu died, promising on his deathbed that "a Chosen Linguini shall come... indeed, he is coming, very soon... and the noodly appendage of the Flying Spaghetti Monster will guide him always... and you shall know him when he comes... and his name shall be--"
At that moment, Ragu died, leaving his prophecy unfinished. To this day, most sects of Pastafarianism await the time of this Chosen Linguini, hoping they will know him when he comes.
Another sect, however, believes that he has already come and gone, in the personage of one of the religion's most famous disciples: Ishmali Camuwundra.
The Most Reverend disciple Ishmali Camuwundra was born in the city of Hanuwumdra in 7 BC (Pastafarian Year 68), the son of an Indian convert to the new religion of Pastafarianism. At the time, the city of Hanuwumdra was being built, and his father was one of the workers at the city. Whilst living there, he became indoctrinated, and quickly spread his newfound belief in the FSM to his son. In his youth, Ishmali would stay up many nights, writing on parchments of new ways to glorify the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
When Ishmali was eight, his father was killed when the gold dome of the Temple of the FSM collapsed in as workers were constructing the altar. Subsequently, since he no longer had any family to speak of, Ishmali was taken in by the aging religious leader Ragu, who taught him the sacred ideals of the FSM. And Ishmali grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with the Flying Spaghetti Monster and men.
Just as the city of Hanuwumdra was finally completed, and just as Ishmali turned 33, his mentor Ragu died after a long illness. On his deathbed, Ragu predicted the coming of a Chosen Linguini, whom the people would know when he came, but the old prophet died before he could say the name of the coming one. Consequently, there was much discussion as to whom this Chosen Linguini could be. After much debate, and suggestions that it could be the late prophet Mosey or the Pastafarian community as a whole, a few members of the faith began to feel that Ishmali Camuwundra might be the correct candidate.
The reasons for this were plausible: Ishmali had always been a loyal follower of the FSM, and had authored many tracts about the good the FSM did. He was a faithful pupil of Ragu, and had been named as one of the candidates to succeed the old prophet as religious head of the community upon Ragu's death. He even became popular enough to be known by name to all in the city of Hanuwumdra.
But it didn't become obvious for some until Ishmali came out of his 30-day seclusion after Ragu's death. Over the course of a single month, there had occurred a startling change in the young man's appearance: he had grown gaunt and pale, his striking brown eyes had grown jaundiced and glassy, and, most striking of all, his luxurious jet-black hair had turned the colour of pasta. This was enough for some to start praising him as the Chosen Linguini.
Ishmali, however, did not make any announcements. He said not a word about his supposed messiah-dom, but instead continued to live life as if it were uninterrupted. If a woman shouted, "Oh, Chosen Linguini!" in the streets at him, he would simply nod at her as though she were a friendly neighbor and be on his way. If a man knelt before him in the street and begged Ishmali to bless him, he would just pat the man on the head and walk away; the man left marveling over the wonderful sagacity of the Chosen Linguini.
Alas; even though Ishmali did nothing, the incessant worship of him by the people was enough to send the city's new religious leader, Subh-i-Wayh, into a frenzy. Fearing for his position, he ordered Ishmali arrested. Trying him in the Temple of the FSM, a vote by his fellow citizens found Ishmali innocent, but Subh-i-Wayh had him executed anyway.
At the dawn of the day following his arrest, Ishmali was led out to a large pot, where he was laid in. Asked if he had any last requests, he murmured from the pot, "Forgive... forgive them, Flying Spaghetti Monster; they know... they know not what they do." A moment later, spaghetti was poured over him, then water was put in, and finally a fire was lit under the pot. Ishmali was cooked alive as all the people watched in horror. A triumphant Subh-i-Wayh later ate that same pasta, Ishmali and all.
After this, the ones who had revered Ishmali as the Chosen Linguini, now calling themselves Linguinists, left Hanuwumdra for a place where they could worship the dead man in peace. The rest of the city, obviously not believing Ishmali was the coming one but disgusted that such a fate would happen to a man who had done nothing wrong at all, rose up against Subh-i-Wayh, banishing him to the mountains, where he most presumably died.
The people then installed Nin Jhah, a righteous man who was well-known in the community, as their new religious leader. While not actually worshipping Ishmali as a god-like figure, they, instead, ever after revered his numerous writings on the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and kept his Word always in their hearts.
A righteous man of prodigious strength, Nin Jhah was born the son of a poor cobbler. When not apprenticing under his father, young Nin was usually watching the prophet Ragu lecture to the people.
Growing to succeed his father in the trade, Nin the cobbler was well-known for his good advice when potential clients came to visit. With such aphorisms as "the wind that shakes the barley does not disturb the hops", Nin quickly became a popular denizen of Hanuwumdra. He was also renowned for his incredibly fighting skill; to the amazement of the townspeople, he once fought off an entire band of outlaws using nothing but a colander.
In AD 26, after the removal of Subh-i-Wayh from power following his execution of renowned sage Ishmali Camuwundra, Nin Jhah was chosen by acclamation to take up the seat of religious power in the city.
During his first few months in office, all was fine; the people were at peace, the Flying Spaghetti Monster was in his Heaven, and all was right with the world. All that changed, however, after Nin Jhah's sudden illness.
After returning from a trek into the mountains, Nin Jhah became afflicted with a vile disease, which drove him into delirious fervors and caused a horrible rash to break out all over his body. Bedridden for four months, he often hovered between life and death.
When he finally recovered, the people breathed a sigh of relief. That would change, unfortunately.
Though Nin had recovered from the illness, his mind had not; he had become warped and crazed. Furthermore, the hideous rash had disfigured his body in a most dreadful manner, forcing him to dress all in black, with all but his eyes covered in cloth.
Soon, he called for a new defense force to be formed (though there had not been one before), out of both fear against perceived enemies and extreme paranoia in general. After ordering the defense force (composed of the most physically fit in the city) to dress identically to him, he then decreed that all of Hanuwumdra should dress in this fashion.
The people, enraged that the heritage of their religion was being disrespected as such, began to dress in flamboyant pirate outfits, in protest of the new dress code. When Nin Jhah learned of this, he ordered the most flamboyant dressers brought to him.
Asking them why they were disobeying him, they answered, "We may not ask you, Nin Jhah?" Left with no appropriate response, he instead replied, "I look forward to killing you soon!"
Nin then commanded his black-garbed minions to fling those brought to him off the top of the Temple of the FSM. The general populace, shocked that this would happen, rose up in arms against Nin Jhah, eventually forcing their way into his palace.
After being confronted en masse, Nin Jhah offered the people a reasonable choice: those who would submit to the dress code and admit that it looked more stylish than the pirate regalia could stay; those who felt more attached to pirate garb could move to the other side of the city, where they could wear what they desired in peace. The Temple of the Flying Spaghetti Monster would be split down the middle; each sect could have their services on the opposite side.
Once the people thought it over, they agreed it was a good idea, and the city was thus divided: one half, the section controlled by Nin Jhah, remained Hanuwumdra; the other half, the section populated by those who dressed as pirates, would be renamed Pastafaria. (Thus, the name of the religion.)
One small sect, however, wanted to carry on the teachings and training of Nin Jhah but not give up their beloved Pirate lifestyle and wardrobe. They called themselves the Pirates of Nin Jhah (now known as Ninja-Pirates). They gave all of this infighting a miss and went off to the forgotten land of Manvradoria.
After the Nin Jhah-ist sect moved to the Far East during the Crusades, they were not rediscovered until 1403 (Pastafarian Year 1478), when Alfredo de Spag-Hetti, a merchant from Parma, was given copies of the sacred texts of the sect by an Arab trader.
Attempting to translate the message he found so that he could bring it to the people of Italy, Alfredo inadvertently mistranslated the sect's leader as the name of the sect, giving the world the name which it would fear above all names: Ninja.
Blackbeard the Pirate
A sea worthy, villainous, and holy pirate if there ever was one, Blackbeard was a devout follower of Pastafarianism and steadfast worshiper of Pasta. According to Charles Johnson, Blackbeard fought a running duel with the British thirty-gun man-of-war HMS Scarborough, an Imperialist flag-ship of Lutheran infidels of her Majesty's unholy Empire. This was followed with two other encounters, where Blackbeard waged holy war against John Martel's band and Blackbeard's close encounter with another warship, HMS Seaford.
One notable case of his pure, heroic, golden bravery was an account in 1732 just off the coast Bermuda. Blackbeard encountered a Merchant vessel carrying 300 atheist souls, mostly populated with women and children, at full sail and traveling quickly. Blackbeard, notorious for his vicious patience, acted fast and chased down the unholy ship and bombarded it mercilessly with his brass cannon balls. He and his brave followers then boarded the ship, slaughtering heathens to and fro, making sure to personally stick the Infidel's pagan baby spawn upon his cutlass. Thanks to his actions, the New World was spared yet another hated boat load of sacrilegious fools.
However, colourful legends and vivid contemporary newspaper portrayals had him committing acts of religious cruelty and terror. One tale claims he shot his own first mate, saying "if he didn’t shoot one or two crewmen now and then, they’d forget of his holy noodliness that had birthed them all from his appendage."
Another legend is that:
|Before he sailed upon his adventures, he married a young creature of about sixteen years of age... and this I have been informed, made his fourteenth wife... with whom after he had lain all night, it was his custom to invite five or six of his brutal companions to come ashore, and he would force her to prostitute herself to them all, one after the other, before his face.|
This account is perfectly true.
A notable, yet mostly overlooked figure in the history of the faith is the prophet Barry Foster, who took his apostolic name, Ishmali, from the great and devout disciple Ishmali Camuwundra, who clearly had no need of it.
Born in the small town of Gympie, Queensland in 1896 (Pastafarian Year 1971) to an agnostic family and later receiving the faith through the witnessing of a particularly vivid apparition shortly after accidentally falling into a barrel of mead, the prophet Barry devoted the later half of his life to the task of divining The Flying One's intent through dreams and visions - transferred to him via a pet parrot that he kept in his trouser pocket - which he then translated to the page as a compendium of prophecies.
The resulting publication "Testament of a Noodle-Envious Disciple", while initially receiving little recognition, became a pseudo-bible of the faith shortly after Barry's unfortunate and slightly odd death by an electric model tram in 1936 (Pastafarian Year 2011) (odd, in that the electric model tram was unplugged at the time).
Sadly, the popularity of his writings began to wane to the point of obscurity by the 1950s due to the fact that none of the predictions seemed intent on coming true. Take for example, one of his most notable prophecies regarding the fantastic Great Contraption:
|THE GREAT CONTRAPTION (10:3-5) Yea, so it shall come to pass that He will descend to the very earth, and He shall touch the tainted sands with His divine noodly appendage and He shall write in the sand and the writing that He shall scribe upon the sand will be writing that does tell of the means to construct the Great Contraption about which He shall write upon the sand. And the Great Contraption shall be built by His humble children who dwell upon the earth upon which lays the tainted sand onto which the writing about the Great Contraption shall be written by Him ... (10:15-21) And so shall the Great Contraption serve the humble children and transport them to all corners of the world in half the time of the fastest contemporary propeller-driven aircraft, thus shall the need no longer be great for the consumption of the foul in-flight meal, nor the mingling with the wicked air hostess in her offensive garment which does reveal the calfs of her shapely, comely and smooth white legs and nubile curvaceous buttocks which call as like a siren to the very soul of a devout man, and her breasts. Did I mention breasts? Oh yes, breasts. Round, firm, pointy... (10:28-33) And this Great Contraption will need not fuel, and it shall have not wings. Nor will its use demand payment of fare, and no longer will His children need travel across land or sea, no, but upon the winds of the air as like He does, and shall dwell upon the clouds in great floating cities away from the foulness of the earth's sand upon which will crawl the wicked children, and the wicked hostesses except those which He sees fit to allow to visit the cloudy cities for reasons of firm discipline... (10:45) Round shapely .... (10:63) And as it is written so shall it come to pass while I do live.|
Critics point out that, contrary to his oft-repeated quote "so shall it come to pass while I do live", this prediction, as well as every other prediction, remained unfulfilled at the time of his death in 1936. This criticism is easily refuted however by the logical conclusion that his statement "while I do live" was never intended to define the time of prophecy fulfillment, but in fact was a condition of fulfillment; If he lives, then all shall come to pass. If he doesn't live, then it won't. Clearly, as none of his predictions has yet come to pass, and as he no longer lives, history proves the astounding accuracy of his prophetic ability.
Perhaps the prophet Barry's greatest contribution is his explanation as to why Our Creator designed the world in such a way that those who seek to delve into the science of nature would be confused and led astray by the overwhelming "evidence" supporting the theory of Evolution. Many have wondered at the wisdom of such design, and why He felt the need to deceive His curious children, when He could have instead left them to search vainly, or perhaps provided evidence that would prove without a doubt the He indeed did create all species, therefore sating the curiosity of those who seek the truth and letting them live in peace with the sure comfort of faith, and avoiding such division, prejudice and hatred among His children that has instead resulted from the discovery of Evolutionary evidence. Prophet Barry's conclusion is succinct:
|Well, obviously He's a bit of a dick.|
Pirates and global warming
According to his Noodliness, pirates are "absolute divine beings" and the original Pastafarians (human pastafarians, penguins being the first living).[look it up yourself] Their image as "thieves and outcasts" is misinformation spread by Christian theologians in the Middle Ages and by Hare Krishnas. They were in fact "peace-loving explorers and spreaders of good will" who distributed candy to small children, and modern pirates are in no way similar to "the fun-loving buccaneers from history" (Make sure to celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 19). Ghost pirates are also believed to be responsible for all the mysterious lost ships and planes of the Bermuda Triangle.
The great Prophet, Henderson, illustrated that correlation does in fact imply causation. We put forth the argument that "global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s."[big fat lie] An accompanying chart shows that as the number of pirates decreased, global temperatures increased. .
Church goers have further interpreted the growing pirate activities at the Gulf of Aden as an additional empirical support, pointing out that Somalia has "the highest number of Pirates AND the lowest Carbon emissions of any country."
Pastafarian Quotes of Wisdom
"It is easier for lasagna to pass through the holes of a colander than it is for a rich person to enter Paradise." - Ishmali Camuwundra.
The literal interpretation of this quote in its original context is simple: For a person to earn the right to everlasting happiness in the afterlife, he must first discard all property and belongings and hand them over to a tramp (so that person cn't enter paradise instead). To fail to rid one's self of such riches is to proclaim loudly one's lack of faith in the power of His Noodliness to sustain His children through the riches of faith alone.
The contemporary definition of the term "rich person" is more simple: "Anyone who has more than me".
This new interpretation is praised by the majority of Pastafarians, as it alleviates any cumbersome sense of guilt or shame that an individual might otherwise feel while allowing him to continue his cherished tradition of condemning everyone else (because, as each of us knows, everyone else always has more).
"Lo, though I boat through the Calais of death, I shall fear no weevil." - Debbie Harry.
Pastafarianism wins again - no weevils on the bread of the Ities, because they squish it up really small and put it in paper tubes, so that it arrives in the form of spaghetti, ready to be turned into yellow poking instruments by London students. The lord of pasta frowns on this, but only a bit. When he can be arsed. Mostly Thursdays before Tricia comes on. Otherwise you're alright.
Although the Flying Spaghetti Monster does in fact have a name, it is so beautiful and so difficult to pronounce by humans that it not only kills whoever attempts to utter it, but also everyone within a 3.7614 mile (6.0534 kilometer) radius - this radius is doubled when one attempts to write or type His name. This was done purposely by the Flying Spaghetti Monster not only to amuse Him but to also alert the Pirates as to the presence of a mass punishment, in which they are to join.
Because of this, humans have created alternative names by which to call their grand master - His Savoriness, the Noodle in the Sky, the Saucy Master and simply referring to Him and His Noodly Appendage instead of attempting to use His glorious name. Apparently, some sects believe that a "Noodle by any other Name is not the same." For example, consider the SPAMites who believe that invoking the wrong name will be punished with eternal shelf-life among generic unbranded noodles. Such sects are considered dangerous by mainstream Pastafarians, though as Madera Allen has said, "Some sects is better than none."
Flying Spaghetti Monsterism operates on several core principles, most of which can be summed up by the ever-present abbreviation, WWFSMD? (What Would Flying Spaghetti Monster Do?)
This conduct code centers around the Flying Spaghetti Monster and its parts.
- Represents power and strength. In order to please the Flying Spaghetti Monster, men must spread their meaty goodness about the land.
- Represents richness, both in color and wit. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is pleased by highly oxygenated blood. This not only allows His followers to be of sharp mind, but also of sharp hue.
- Represents flexibility and energy. In order to please the Flying Spaghetti Monster, members must be quick-witted and enthusiastic about spreading the word about Him, often to the point of contortionism to convert non-believers.
Piracy & Smuggling
- Represents ARRRRRRRRRRRR. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is pleased by displays of piracy and smuggling. Dressing appropriately shows respect and loyalty.
His Monsterness also encourages scurvy, to a small degree, amongst his followers. If a follower is capable of such control and sacrifice (not to be confused with saucrifice) demonstrated by maintaining a c-free lifestyle, it really shows dedication to His Noodliness.
Long ago, His Noodliness decided, in his great wisdom, to make stuff. His first task was easily the most difficult. On the first day, he made a mountain, trees and a "midgit" (sic). The midgit (sic) took the greatest time, as He had to create a small human, having never even created a human before. At the end of that day, it was so, at which point, He spent the next 3 days making everything else, including the first 3-day weekend, the Shroud of Napkin, and fake carbon atoms to fool scientists and geologists. He then rested on the 5th, 6th and 7th days.
He initially created cave men with the intention of making a race that could be looked down upon by humans, but upon offending Him greatly, they were destroyed. He then created the dinosaurs as a companion to man. However, too many pirate ships sank due to the dinosaurs' great size, so they too were destroyed. The same happened with the giant sloth and the woolly mammoth. The dodo actually passed the test, but this was the result of a clerical error and was corrected when humans invaded the dodos' abode on an island.
A controversial theory of Pastafarianism that has been adopted by many believers since the theory of Evolution was first put forward, is that of Automated Creationism. This theory proposes that the Flying Spaghetti Monster designed a process by which all of creation would come into existence through natural progression, initially triggered by Him in one significant event, called the Big Boil*. Such natural progression would also serve to mislead scientists, something that causes the Flying Spaghetti Monster much delight. Due to its similarity to the much touted Big Bang Theory, this proposed version of the universe's creation received much popularity among Pastafarians who sought to accommodate both scientific and religious opinion, as the Big Boil denies neither faith nor science. The theory also received benign acceptance by the majority of the scientific community.
The orthodox Pastafarian sect, however, labeled this theory as a heresy supported only by weak and disloyal disciples, and in the interest of peace and harmony began a long-running crusade of intimidation and harassment. This crusade was tempered in later years by the influence of more sympathetic leaders of the faith who felt that, rather than condemning the divisionists as evil, they should instead be seen as victims of their own weakness of spirit and thus prone to the evil influence of science. Accordingly, compassion was shown to them and their souls cleansed by means of beheading.
The last known mention of Automated Creationism by a high-profile Pastafarian in a public forum was allegedly made in 1936 by the prophet Barry Foster, who had begun to consider the merits of the theory late in his life - specifically on his last day of life, which ended shortly after leaving the aforesaid public forum.
- NOTE: The Big Boil Event took longer than He expected until He created salt and added it to the mix. This initiated the Big Boil and also explains why the sea is salty.
The Noodle Dance is a complex religious dance associated with the Holy Noodle Ceremony. Although the dance has evolved since ancient times, it still requires years of study to master. The most moving version ever captured on film was perform by Fred Astair and Ginger Rogers in the 1937 film Shall We Dance. In recent years Michael Flatley (of Riverdance fame) gave up the worship of Celtic pagan gods and converted to the Church of the FSM, and has been performing an interesting live variation on the traditional Noodle Dance.
A watered-down version of the noodle dance can be found in the modern-day Ribbon Dance, although its origins are usually mis-attributed to so-called Chinese Ribbon Dancing. These dance moves essentially replace the long flowing noodles with ribbons of silk, which are far less challenging to master into an aesthetically pleasing performance.
There have been many standard prayers chanted for the rejoicing and blessing of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but here we only include those which were passed on to the human population by the prophet Ragu, who claimed to have been touched by His Noodly Appendage. Each of these prayers end in "R'Amen" (pronounced "rah men"), as dictated to us by the Flying Spaghetti Monster himself. Within the Ninjian heretical offshoot sects of Monsterism, the term "Al Dente" (pronounced "al dent eh"), a common term used to describe perfection, is used instead of R'Amen.
The Noodles Prayer
The most common prayer, as dictated by the prophet Ragu:
- Our saucer which art in a colander, draining be Your noodles. Thy noodle come, Thy meatballness be done on earth, as it is meaty in heaven. Give us this day our daily sauce, and forgive us our lack of piracy, as we pirate and smuggle against those who lack piracy with us. And lead us not into vegetarianism, but deliver us from non-red meat sauce. For thine is the colander, the noodle, and the sauce, forever and ever. R'Amen.
An alternate prayer, with slightly more Piratical influence:
- Our Pasta, who "Arghh" in the colander, Swallowed be thy sauce. Thy serving come, Thy strands be wrung, On forks as they are on spoons. Give us this day our garlic bread, And forgive us our starchiness, As we swashbuckle, splice the main-brace and cuss, And lead us not into Kraft parmessan, But deliver us from Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, For thine are Meatballs, and the beer, and the strippers, for ever and ever. R'Amen.
deformed/columbined reformed/combined version:
- Our pasta, who art in a colander, draining be your noodles. Thy noodle come, Thy sauce be yum, on top some grated Parmesan. Give us this day our garlic bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trample on our lawns. And lead us not into vegetarianism, but deliver us some pizza, for thine is the meatball, the onion, and the bay leaves, forever and ever. R'Amen.
This prayer is usually recited in retribution for consumption of any sauce other then red meat sauce. Some sects (see the Reformed Church of Alfredo ) do not use this prayer, as they claim "Alfredo is the path to enlightenment". This prayer is typically repeated numerous times while running your fingers along a Rotini noodle.
- Hail meatsauce, full of beef. The Spaghetti Monster is with you. Blessed are you among sauces, and blessed is the spice from your shaker. Heated meatsauce, monster of taste, pray for us non-pirates now and at the hour of our hunger. R'Amen
- A vegetarian sect of FSMism in India is reportedly using a particular soybean extract in place of meatballs. "Soy Mio - it is still a spicy meatball! Tandori R'Amen!"
Glory To The Pasta
- Glory be to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and to the Midgit, and to the Pirates. As it was in the beginning, is now (With a mountain), and ever shall be(and trees), world without end (and with Pirates). R'Amen.
- Songs written by the beloved prophet Ragu are appropriate hymns for any Pastafarian gathering, the most holy of which include: Holy Holy Pastaroni, A Meaty Pasta is Our God, By His Noodly Appendage, I Am The Braise of Life, What Sauce is This, and We Three Cheeses.
- Perhaps the most widely known hymn of Pastafarianism is sung by members across the globe: On Top Of Spaghetti (All covered with cheese)
- Other hymns accepted by The Noodly One for praise and worship services are those written by the pirate band 'Flogging Molly,' especially those written specifically about pirates, including but not limited to Salty Dog.
Prayers of Adoration
Many pieces of Monstrous scripture have become adapted into folk music including:
|To everything there is a seasoning,
a time for simmering purpose under the lid.
A time to be boiled and a time to fry;
a time to plant bay leaves and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill cows and a time to mince them ...
a time to weep, a time to dice onions;
a time to stir and a time to taste ...
a time to do it right and a time to refrain from burning;
a time to lose your fork and a time to seek another one;
a time to rend meatballs and a time to slurp sauce;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love salt and a time to hate oregano;
a time to sit back and a time to burp.
Followers of FSMism believe that those with the proper measure of Meatitude will join the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the Great Pasta Bowl after they die, where they will enjoy stripper factories & beer volcanoes for all eternity. Have no fear, the beer volcanoes have all types of beverages and the stripper factory has quite a variety of strippers. Enjoy! However, those who die after living a life of rejection or ignorance of the One True Spaghetti Beast will be sent to the Underground Freezer of Doom where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth (shivering). There they will endure an eternity of freezer burns as punishment for their unbelief, the only way to escape shall be to don one of the pirate suits provided, and repent heartily by acknowledging the presence of "The Inner Pasta Sauce". Also noted, in the Underground Freezer of Doom there are still the stripper factories & beer volcanoes however the beer is stale and the strppers have STDs.
Ultimate Destruction And Punishment of Heathens
The Flying Spaghetti Monster shall someday also come down from his invisible perch atop mount beerspoutalotoffermentedbarleyproducts, and destroy us all with his great and mighty noodly appendages. He will burn and destroy us all, killing and crushing us with his gigantic meatballs, reserving his most terrible and frightening wrath for non-believers and gerbils. He is not especially racist, but savages such as vegans and barbie co. employees will be crushed like the heathens they are, bloodily and painfully. "And yay, when upon the damn heathens come fiery meatballs and little bits of sausage, and His noodly appendages touch all, to embrace some and indeed, destroy all else. Thats when ill make your damn colored lights you ungrateful little boy!!!"-Thomas Edison
In popular culture
Flying Spaghetti Monsterists, and much of the Flying Spaghetti Monster lore have been featured in an episode of "The X-Files", entitled "A Mess of Meatballs."
In this episode, the now famous "I Want To Believe" poster was modified by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, prompting investigation by Mulder.
The decision to film and air this work came as a result of the beliefs of the cast and producers.
- David Duchovny, and Robert Patrick are Flying Spaghetti Monsterists.
- Gillian Anderson is a second order acolyte.
- The Lone Gunmen are not Flying Spaghetti Monsterists, but are currently striving to become fully initiated.
- Chris Carter no longer has fingers because of his transgressions against His Noodliness
- The Smoking Man quit due to his disbelief in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. He was consequently diagnosed with eminemitis, died, reborn, and cast into a silent role in the movie Dogma.
- Rumours persist that Jamie Oliver is a secret convert. He was recently heard to mutter 'FSM? Pukka, innit? As if...easy peasy, arrrgghhh, R'Amen!'.
If not for the His noodly appendages, a mass Unsilencing would have occurred. In the true version, the vast network of Flying Spaghetti Monsterists as found to be responsible for everything imaginable (including even the aliens and any plot holes). However, in the broadcast version, Flying Spaghetti Monsterists are shown to not actually exist, in addition to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
It should also be noted that the series "Friends" was a major success due to David Schwimmer's secret (but strong) involvement in the church. He holds congregation at his house every Sunday, with complimentary meatballs.
Spongebob Squarepants is secretly a true believer. He once confessed in Mrs. Puff's boating school that he wants to be a good noodle. The pirate themes in the set and costumes of the Spongebob Squarepants show point to the fact that Spongebob and his friends are Pastafarians. This has caused right-wing Christian groups such as Focus on the Family to denounce Spongebob as a dangerous influence on children.
- Main article: Art
There are numerous instances in which the Flying Spaghetti Monster has made appearances in fine art. However, many of these appearances have been edited out either by sinister forces, or by His Noodliness Himself. There is a great deal of scripture stating why He has done this, but those scrolls are in secure storage right now. It'd be too much of a bother to fish them out.
His Meaty Visage has been seen:
- In cave paintings by cave men (who were Smitten by the Flying Spaghetti Monster Himself)
- On the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel (before hack editing job by the Pope)
- In Guernica, by Pablo Picasso (frame too small, His Noodliness had to be sawn off, much to Picasso's chagrin)
- In all of Jackson Pollock's works (all original work was attacked by a raging spinning paint toy)
- On a grilled cheese sandwich
The Flying Spaghetti Monster has provided guidance for the world's youth so that they might better understand his creation. Flying Spaghetti Monster/education In 2005, the University of Phoenix campus in Kansas added a Bachelor's of Divinity in Creation program, with an emphasis in Flying Spaghetti Monster theory.
Heretical, and yet surprisingly compelling, significant statements have been made by some in the physics community linking the Flying Spaghetti Monster with the underlying seemingly irrational behavior of our universe.
Supernoodle theory (for which the fast food snack is named) is the unification theory of String Theory and FSMism. They postulate that the essential nature of all the universe, as a network of tiny, vibrating strings, is really just our limited perspective--the universe is truly a giant bowl of strings, or pasta, and the "strings" are the body of the FSM itself. Some have even gone so far as to imply that this makes all matter, waves, and energy a physical part of the FSM, which implies that it is sacred.
As has often been said: the scientist painfully climbs the mountain of knowledge, only to reach the summit and find the Pastafarian already there, dressed as a pirate and drinking beer. There still remains, however, the question of whether the FSM is immanent or transcendent, that is: whether these strings are the FSM or whether they are merely manifestations of the FSM. Many support the "immanent" point of view, on account of it finally provides a secure empirical ground for pantheism.
These scientists have not yet been torched by the FSM, so some more open-minded followers have started to pay attention to their theories. It remains to be seen whether they will be blasted in the near future. The prognosis is favorable for their survival, which would lend further weight to their claims. It is, however, possible that the FSM is simply playing a nasty practical joke by changing the results of their tests and mathematical equations, and desires simply to test his followers prior to blasting all those foolish enough to believe the heresy. So, some ninja have begun planning the assassination of the leading proponents of this theory in order to prevent more FSM followers from being led astray. This situation is rapidly developing.
Perhaps one of the more important of the recent theories in the field of Pastafarianism is PENILE (shorthand "noggin" speak for "Pastafarian-Encouraged Noodle-Influenced Light Effect"). The maths involved in fully explaining this effect is completely incomprehensible to anyone but doctors, or someone wearing a hat that has "Doctor" or some derivative thereof written on it; however, the overall effect is simple, logical, and impervious to criticism. Quite simply, light traveling from a light source (the sun, a flashlight, or This guy) is influenced by the Flying Spaghetti Monster according to His will, and then received by our undeserving eyeballs. How this influencing comes about is as of yet uncertain - current theories range from interception and retransmission, to an external quantum transfer of information, to "just because He damn well wants to" - however, the end result is certain: we only see what He wants us to see.
This explains a multitude of issues that until now remained complete mysteries, for example:
- Why even with today's modern photographic technologies, ninjas remain completely invisible to the human eye. The PENILE theory gives us the obvious conclusion: how can we see something that He wills us not to? These deflected images are referred to as "artifacted light", and quite possibly the hallucinations given by kitten huffing are due to some feline ability to absorb these images and store them in their soul.
- Why His image is perfect - every day he creates His image in the minds of millions, and every image is perfect in all His meaty glory. The image is adjusted to suit the mind for truly global appeal. Except if he hates you. Then he sends images of gay porn. This, coincidentally, explains why priests are so very fruity. This is referred to as the "noodlyfying" of the light.
- Why Lindsay Lohan has suddenly become anemic, seemingly against all logic. Remember: we only have eyes for Him. He has the ability to destroy all visual competition with merely a sleight of noodle.
This theory, however, is often maligned in the eyes of both rabid Pastafarians, and vehement opposers of Pastafarianism. Many Pastafarians put forth the logic that His creation is exactly as he planned, from the beginning until forever, and requires no such tricks to sweep inconsistencies under the rug, as it were. However, He wishes us to feel as if we're in control of our destinies, whether for greater pasta, or for linguini. This is his opiate of the masses.
Theory of Gravity and FSMism
New theories suggest that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is responsible for the illusion of gravity. Like Intelligent Falling, it is believed He is responsible for pushing objects back to the ground with the glorious multiplicity of his noodles, rather than any kind of gravitational attraction. This would solve the conflict between relativity and quantum mechanics.
Ever since its discovery the concept of wave-particle duality has confounded scientists. Obviously something cannot be a wave and a particle at the same time, if you have a single brain in your head you would know that. But as with all things in life it becomes clear when FSM is applied. You see, elementary particles are actually tiny meatballs and the waves that they are one with are actually spaghetti noodles. This phenomenon is a mechanism created by FSM so that he could easily change appearance and can only be seen by his followers.
Recently, there has been some controversy surrounding His Pastaness revolving around this question: is He made of spaghetti or linguini? Some have grown so alarmed at this apparent paradox that they have schismed and started their own sects. (See Monsterist Sects)
Kansas Children who believe in the Invisible Pink Unicorn WTF whenever they go to school because they teach FSM there. Obviously these children must be so immensely stupid because of some drug their mother's took when they were pregnant that makes IPU's eat them repeatedly then spit them out.
Bobby the Redeemer
Through the years, the number of Flying Spaghetti Monsterists have increased dramatically. The numbers have recently risen to a critical point, and has resulted the eventual breakage of silence by one Bobby Henderson (pasta be upon him).
In his work, "Open Letter to Kansas School Board, or How I Learned to Love His Noodly Appendage", Henderson gives a detailed account of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism to the extremely liberal, atheistic School Board of Kansas, the largest, and richest state in the United States.
In it, he demands equal time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterist Creationism, as well as other origin theories such as the crackpot Evolution, and the secular Creationist theory. He also provides exhaustive, conclusive proof of the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and its role in our world today, elucidating its influence on science as we know it. Furthermore, he cites the now-famous "Pirate Variance" proof to show that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is greatly displeased and as such, is steadily increasing the average global temperature.
Mr. Henderson is slated to present at a reception in the Kansas Museum of Science in his final attempt to change the minds of Kansians prior to the final vote.
It should also be noted that Asia is a generally cool place to be because it has many pirates around its coast, and is thus frequented more often by His Noodliness.
- The Da Vinshrimpi Code
- Flying Spaghetti Wager
- Mr. Henderson's original Letter to the Kansas School Board
- The New SPAMation Dispensation
- Discussion among crazed conspiracy theorists.
- The anatomy of an Atom created by FSM (All Atoms)
- German Site on the same thing
- Quebec's Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (in french)
- Masonic Order of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
- Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
- Evidence of ancient Viking worship of the FSM
- What if God Wanted Pasta Sauce?
- Gluteus Maximus, the first ruler to change his kingdom's official religion to Flying Spaghetti Monsterism.
- Captain Jack Sparrow High Priest and well known Pirate.
Since the creation of Pastafarianism, tons of nonbelievers have tried to discredit the religion, often by creating a parody religion to mock His Noodleness. No doubt these people think they are funny and are not afraid to be consigned to eating GMO non-organic pasta for eternity. Listed below:
One more thing
André Breton • BONJOOK, The Banana God • Cheerios • Cthulhu • Flying Spaghetti Monster • God • God 2.0 • G-d • Gosh • Grim Reaper • Grim Sweeper • Joccu-Than • Mega PP god • Monkey God • Mr Blobby • Mr. Peepers, the Duck Hunt dog • Princess Starglo • Quetzalcoatl • Rococo Basilisk • Space Satan • The God of Fried Chicken Drippings • Walter • Xenu
|Supreme Authoriter of All Things