In the beginning
Listen, I'm trying to tell a Greek myth, so can you wait until afterward to insult my mom? Thank you.
raped went on top of Gaia. Then he turned blue for unknown reasons, and Gaia was compressed into rock. When Uranus finally got off, he was the sky and Gaia was the earth. Nowadays, rain happens when Uranus gets, well, urinous. You know?
Gaia had kids. Twelve of them. They were awesome. The next time Gaia had kids she gave birth to a bunch of one-eyed dudes, and then a bunch of dudes with lots of arms. Uranus really didn't like this, so he put them in the Cave of Tartar Sauce. Gaia didn't like that, so she got all her first 12 kids to fight back. One of them (named Cronus) removed Uranus's testicles with a big inflatable hammer and put them in the ocean. That way Uranus would never have any more kids, and wouldn't be able to trap them in the Cave of Tartar Sauce. Pwnt.
What it was like when Cronus took charge
Fortunately, there were no rules, so people were free to run around and throw cheese at each other. In present-day times this would be a bad thing, but since nobody did anything wrong (they didn't know how to be selfish yet), they just didn't need any rules.
Unfortunately, Cronus turned out to be all evil and stuff, and he put all the aforementioned offspring with unusual numbers of certain body parts back into Tartar Sauce. He married one of his sisters, but seriously, who else was there to marry?
And one more thing, and this is very important: Uranus and Gaia gave Cronus a warning that he would be pwnt by one of his kids, just like he had pwnt his father Uranus. "There's only one way out of this!" said Cronus. Every time his wife, Diarrhea, had a kid, he ate it. With greasy french fries. They were hard to digest, though, so they just sat there.
Also, there were testicles in the sea.
Juice was the last son Diarrhea gave birth to. He was given birth to in secret so he wouldn't get eaten. Diarrhea devised a plan for keeping Juice a secret.
|THE ULTIMATE PLAN FOR NOT LETTING CRONUS FIND OUT ABOUT JUICE
Diarrhea's pet rock
"Mom?" Diarrhea asked Gaia, "Can I have a pet rock?"
"What for?" asked Gaia.
"It's part of the Ultimate Plan For Not Letting Cronus Find Out About Juice."
"Okay, I'll give you a pet rock."
So Diarrhea got a pet rock. She put it in a baby bundle, and rocked it, and nursed it, and put it to bed at night. One night Cronus ATE the pet rock. Diarrhea was glad the plan was working, but felt slightly sad about losing her pet rock.
Juice pwns Cronus
Juice grew up. So did all the babies that got eaten. Hey, I said they were hard to digest. The stone didn't get any bigger, though. And there were still testicles in the sea, but nobody really cared about that.
"Now it is time," said Gaia, "to defeat your father. To accomplish this, I give you... a glass of juice!"
"Awesome!" said Juice. "I'm great with juice. My name is juice. What kind is it?"
"It's a special juice," said Gaia, "that makes people eat things...in reverse!"
"Cool!" said Juice. He gave Cronus the juice in his sleep.
Cronus began to eat in reverse. Out came Diarrhea's pet rock, which she hugged. Then came all of the kids Cronus had eaten, along with several greasy french fries. They followed Juice to the Cave of Tartar Sauce and freed all Cronus's oddly figured brothers and sisters. As a thank you, the one-eyed dudes gave him LIGHTNING BOLTS! Juice loved the present, and Juice still throws lightning bolts at stuff. Especially when Uranus gets urinous.
The Epic Battle And Its Aftermath
Then, there ensued an epic battle between Juice and his siblings, and Cronus's oddly figured brothers and sisters, against Cronus and his 11 normal-looking brothers and sisters. It lasted for ten years, during which Juice and the others realized that it was a very long epic battle. Juice's side won, and Juice trapped the losers in the Cave of Tartar Sauce. Pwned.
Juice and his two brothers, Poseidon and Hades, decided to use three-way rock paper scissors to determine who would rule what. Zeus got the sky and the air, Poseidon got the sea, and Hades got the world of the dead (which was still higher up than Tartar Sauce).
Juice's first marriage
Juice's first marriage was to Metis. Metis's father was the ocean. Her mother was a piece of meat. Despite this, she was very smart, and helped Juice a lot. There was one problem: Cronus had pwnt Uranus, and Juice had pwnt Cronus, so it followed that if Metis had a son, that son would pwn Juice. Cronus had eaten the children, and that in the end didn't work, so Juice decided that instead, he would just eat Metis.
"Hey, Metis!" said Juice. "Let's play a shape changing game. We'll change shapes into animals and stuff."
"Sounds like fun!" said Metis.
Juice turned into an alligator. Metis turned into a bear. Juice turned into a porcupine. Metis turned into an elephant. Juice turned into a dinosaur. Metis turned into a fly. Juice ate the fly. Metis turned into herself. She was already pregnant.
So Juice was doomed?
She was pregnant with a girl.
More stuff about the girl later.
- I must apologize for the crudeness of Greek myth. The Greeks never bothered to censor anything.
- I don't know why the word pwnt is always in bold in this article.
|BALEEFS OF THE WURLD|
|What is teh god?||Deism • Pantheism • Theism|
|How Menny?||Jeez, I dunno! • NONE • one • lotsa • -1 • √-1|
|Religgens||Bahá'í Faith • Bobism • Buddhism • Christianity (Anglican • Catholic • Mormon • Protestant) • DidYouKnowism • Discordianism • Duncanism • Flaniganism • Gimaladines • Goatian • Gobshiism • Greasy • Hinduism • Islam • Jainism • Jedism • Jehovah's Witnesses • Judaism • Pandaism • Panflautism • Panflotsam • Panfriedism • Panpolynomialism • Pastafarianism • Randomlygeneratedism • Schismism • Scientology • Shinto • Sikhism • Sithism • Super Gnosticism • Tzarthelikalamanagurishalikidaladunakalizaralethism • Zeroastrianism • Zimizmizm|
|Pillowproxies||Confusionism • Taoism|
|Pollygicians||Communism • Conservative • Fascism • Liberal|
|Evilootian?||Creationism • Unintelligent Design|