HowTo:Rotate the tires on your dog

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A properly hypnotized dog. Note the expression on her face of... whatever that is.

In the old days, we didn't have tires on our dogs, you know? No sir, we had them with paws and floppy ears and antennae, but never with wheels. It's not like nobody thought of it, in the 70's. It's just that at the time, in the current political climate, the concept of global warming was still a well-kept secret.

These days, with cats on steroids playing baseball, Ann Elk expounding on brontosauri, pants with feathers and a panoply of radical changes to things ordinary, it's not unusual to be run over by a pack of enthusiastic dogs chasing mopeds and the like.

Materials[edit]

  1. Blueprints for an F117 stealth fighter
  2. 18 ankle bracelets
  3. 2 jars of mayonnaise
  4. Your ATM card
  5. One arbor saw
  6. Knuckles

Skills Required[edit]

Familiarity with ansibles, C-- coding, Jewish dietary laws, sophistry, the history of antagonizing badgers, the Hadron Collider, goose grease and marmalade are helpful when laying out plans to rotate your dog's tires.

Frunobulax, engaged in a life-and-death game of tug.

Ability do drive on either side of the road is recommended for British and Japanese amateurs, unless they have 2 or more older sisters. One may choose to dress as a Samurai, General Norman Schwarzkopf, a djinn or mix and match from these choices. Pointed shoes (except for blue and orange) are not recommended unless detonation is expected.

Begin[edit]

  1. Appropriate a willing dog with disc brakes
  2. Anesthetize or hypnotize dog
  3. Loosen lug nuts forward of the turbo air intake
  4. Pass to the left, two puffs only
  5. Repeat, rinse, lather
  6. Speak in tongues while mounting tires in a singular contra-wise motion

Rotation[edit]

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Rotation is an interesting word, and is the part of this exercise that many kleptomaniacs have difficulty in mastering. The idea is to keep the bias of the tires moving in the same direction[1] as before rotation. Be sure to mark the inside of the tires with a grease crayon, indicating direction of rotation. Place the dog in a reclining position and use Acme doggie stirrups to anchor wheel bushings in place.

  1. Remove both tires on the left side of the dog, swapping front for rear.
  2. Remove front right tire, and replace with rear left, dimpling the spin for luck
  3. Remove right rear tire and replace with right front. Do not flip, spin or twist
  4. Replace front left tire with right rear wheel, sparing no Fig Newtons[2] for moisture
  5. If pressed, reveal only name, rank and serial number.

Done![edit]

Congratulations, you have completed rotating the tires on your dog. Bring the dog back to normal consciousness and apply male pattern baldness to the balance of the fructose. Thank your yogis for any differentiated clarified butter, and test drive the dog. You will find that over time, your dog will enjoy such activities as this and fetching engine blocks. These activities can be reserved as rewards for good behavior.

Footlight Notes[edit]

  1. Widdershins, prefereably
  2. Required since 1966, with the passing of the Fig Reclamation Act by the United States Congress

See Also[edit]

Vanity
General Vanitizing & Stories
Silent Penguin's Bogus Journey
Testostereich: The Man, The Myth, The Bellend · Testostereich in Space
JON · LIAM · Readmesoon: The Untold Story · Ben: Retired or Desired?
Readmesoon in Space: The crappy knockoff · Zimizmizm · Frunobulax
The Big Bang as viewed through a straw · Gruntled (disambiguation) · Black and Silver (condensed cheese product) · Illogicopedia writer honored by Time Magazine · Cookie for the puppy, fuck the kitties · Illogicopedian saves day; becomes national hero · Samuel (cat) · You have two cows/1 · HowTo:Write a Vanity Piece · Natural Surrealist Party · Gruntled:An Origin Story · Fonchopedia · I am the Chosen One · Forum:The ballad of Monsignor Peaches · We Java alligators · Tomorrow yesterday · 9,347,829,013,865.00187 · My Journey to Illogicopedia · Why is zim_ulator?
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