Your parents have sex

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That's right. Whether or not you accept it, your parents have sex (or at least had). Sweet, passionate, energetic sex. You do know the story about the stork and/or nearby river with a basket in it is false, right? That's because it can't be true, because your parents had to have sex in order for you to be born into this world. In fact, they probably enjoyed having it as well.

Passionate Love-Sex[edit | edit source]

These three words probably best describe the love your parents make. In fact, if you are not home, they could be having it right now. Maybe even on the kitchen table, the same table you eat her homemade soup and sandwiches off of. Think your dad's at work? Bologna. He's an old man who's probably viewed by his peers as being responsible, which is exactly why he can get away with calling in 'sick' when he's actually eyeing your mom up and down, quivering in anticipation for the pleasure he's about to receive.

You're Kidding Yourself[edit | edit source]

This is a thing in your life you need to just sit back and accept. Love-making is a beautiful process, even if it is the ol' mom and pops, and without it, you wouldn't even be lucky enough to read these enlightening words. Hell, without it, you would have never enjoyed one single episode of Friends. Could you imagine never having seen the conclusion, much less the introduction, of Ross and Rachel's on-again off-again deep love affair? I think not. In fact, I know this to be true.

Get With the Program[edit | edit source]

Now that you've accepted that your parents are passionate, steamy lovers, it's about time to go ahead and accept the visions that will come with this. All the times they rushed you out of the house to go play after dinner, all the times they sent you to grandmother's house, and all those times you were locked in the basement cellar after having been bad, regardless of whether or not you remember doing anything wrong. Guess what they were probably doing? That's right, your dad was removing your mom's clothes, revealing every inch of skin. Stretch-marked, maybe even wrinkly, vericose-veined skin. He probably doesn't even use a condom anymore, ever since that year-long 'fever' your mom had. Your dad was probably glad she was going through menopause, cause he knew that in a matter of time he wouldn't have to waste any more of his money on contraception or contraceptive surgery. And instead, he could start spending money on drugs so he would only enjoy the experience more.

Freaky Folks[edit | edit source]

Did your mom have contraceptive surgery? If so, then your parents are REAL freaks. Imagine how much banging you'd have to do before you're willing to have somebody open your freaking stomach up and start messing around down there. And if your dad had contraceptive surgery, your parents are officially off-the-wall sex fanatics. Having tubes in your balls tied? Are you SERIOUS?! Sex must be an absolutely enormous part of their lives.

Do Yourself a Favor[edit | edit source]

And congratulate your parents on a healthy, long-term, sexually-charged marriage. Thank them for banging each other enough times that you could enter this world and enjoy things like air, food, and the warm feeling that runs through your body when you touch yourself below the belt. Don't touch yourself there anymore? Then it's likely you're about to have a child of your own who will one day choke on his own vomit as he reaches the realization that his parents also ravage each other's bodies vigorously on a consistent basis.

This article is here for you. To help you, to hold you. To love you. But not quite as erotically as your parents love each other.