Mail prostitute

“Hello, Newman!”

~ André Breton

A mail prostitute is a person who physically pleases mail for pay. This can include oral stimulation of the envelope, acts with the hands, either bare or with special gloves, binding and beating of the package (usually using tape and a mail bag), and white out.

While historically mail prostitutes most often would ply the streets, bag over one shoulder, in search of trade, many lads had been known to turn up in crowded seaports offering their postal services. The number who went down on the RMS Titanic, a Royal Mail Ship of good standing, was unprecedented throughout the long preceding years of strict Victorian standards.

Many self-professed gentlemen and established men of letters would insist that they were oblivious of any knowledge of their working-class delivery boys and their activities, but to no avail. As much as the genteel public was not amused by the saucy let me take care of your package approach by which postal services were being openly marketed in the post-Victorian era, as the nation mobilised for two Great Wars the situation only degraded further, to the great chagrin of polite upper-class society.

Shipping and Handling

A message in a bottle, the most common first step on a slippery slope of addiction

Shipping and Handling refers to the method which handlers, gropers, molesters, and self-gratifiers devote their lives to the postal service. The term "to service someone", in reference to sexual acts, was coined in honour of postal services in which perverts of all manner from all over the country had been given the sole duty to lather up every parcel from every locale with their own brand of evil love. The more extreme practices such as post and packing most often involve the establishment of both physical and sexual dominance over mail, the details of which can become most explicit.

By necessity, the first Shipping and Handling fees were instituted in wartime, due to concern that domestic parcels were not receiving as much man-love as those on the continent. In a stout campaign to retain upstanding supremacy in endowing inanimate objects with human secretions, propaganda exhorted that while those over 18 should directly join the front-line war effort, the pubescent should sign up with the postal service to guarantee that no letter or box would ever go without a good man-handling.

It soon became the patriotic duty of every free and firm man to out-do the Vichy-occupied French as a matter of national pride and honour. The number and size of payloads delivered for King and Country during the two wars would exceed all expectations.

Royal Mail today

In the post-war era, mail prostitutes are most often retired or unemployed postal workers who have become addicted to mail. Mail is one of the most addicting things and the habit is very hard to break, resulting in many active mail prostitutes who are often used by the same customers regularly.

Mail prostitutes often aspire to becoming queens, in order that their smiling faces may appear on Royal Mail stamps throughout the Empire. While few are ever crowned, and competition among rivals is fierce, many still continue to aspire to chasing the impossible postal dream.

There is therefore little hope of stamping out mail prostitution.

See also

This article was too bizarre for Uncyclopedia,   but Illogicopedia loves random stuff.

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• Pushing the envelope
• Royal Mail and the RMS Titanic
• Do not fold, spindle or mutilate

Sex