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The lawyer (Saurus mendicatus) is an omnipresent species of parasite known only to feast upon the vitality of human beings. Its long, fattened evolutionary history has produced in the lawyer a propensity for an unsavory activity called litigation. Much as regular people rely upon a twisted few to collect bovine sperm samples, most human beings are so understandably averse to litigation as to leave the lawyer with a lucrative monopoly with his hand up the ass of justice.

Common Characteristics[edit | edit source]

The Lawyer may be recognised by his freshly ironed white shirt, long black pants, and a strange tendency to constantly compliment everyone he comes into contact with while simultaneously charging them a small one-time consultation fee of around $70. Like the mosquito, the Lawyer absconds with his blood-meal very often before the host has even realized it has been stolen. Unlike the mosquito, however, which at worst may give you malaria, Lawyers may expose you to unusually high titers of poison gas, huge electrical voltages, or non-therapeutic intravenous injections.

Typical habitats for Lawyers are courthouses, hospital emergency rooms, and--according to frequent reports--the bottom of the ocean.

See also[edit | edit source]