Anonymousism
Anonymousism is a religion primarily composed of selfish bastards who feel they need the appearance of contriteness in their lives. It was founded by Bill and Bob Snodgrass of Elkins, Ohio in 1947 as a self-help group for two besotted members. Since they were from the future, they felt that they could have a few Rock and Ryes before setting pen to paper, to draw up rules and such.
In 1952, the pair made many modifications to the document which would become the 12 steps. In their original form, they read as follows:
- We admitted we were powerless over everything—that our lives will always be unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than 400 terawatts could restore us to equilibrium with our sanitary pedastals..
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the Robot Devil as we understood Him.
- Made a searching and fearless inventory of our colons, the better to detect and prevent butt cancer early.
- Admitted to the Robot Devil, to ourselves, and to another life form or spirit guide the exact nature of our wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to have the Robot Devil help us to blame anyone or anything but ourselves for whatever.
- Humbly asked the Robot Devil to remove our shortcomings.
- Made a list of all persons we had bored, and became willing to listen to their stupid stories for as long as you can stand it.
- Made direct deposit of their paychecks wherever possible, except when to do so would make people around you nervous.
- Continued to get regular colonoscopies and whatever you do, stay away from those damned "natural healers" if you get a cancer diagnosis.
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with the Robot Devil, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry out zombie tasks for our masters.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried mind our own business and not lord our smug sense of self-satisfaction over others, in all our affairs.
This version of the 12 steps was subtly altered when Bill and Bob embraced Jesus. From 1953 through 1966 the pair cycled through 107 denominations of Christianity, some of which are considered apostate by a majority of believers.
A corollary to the steps is that salvation from addiction lies in remaining anonymous to the world, especially ones own self. By not knowing who you are, you can't sin, since sin is predicated upon identity.
