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Breakfastism is the fastest growing nondenominational, fundamentalist belief system in the world right now. It is based on the fact that breakfast is the best meal of the day. Justifications include fueling up early for a busy day, deliciousness, Persian rugs being cleaned and grimacing security guards being tased with their own weapons.

Commonly but inaccurately attributed to Harvey Kellogg, the cereals and paranoia maven from Michigan, there is nonetheless evidence that Kellogg had his hand in the church proper, behind the scenes. He introduced black and yellow masses and ringworm eradication to the real founder, Ernesto Hemingstein. This dude was intent on world domination.