From Illogicopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This article was
too bizarre for Uncyclopedia,
  but Illogicopedia loves random stuff
 Uncyclopedia.png Wiki.png 

“Though shalt not suffer a Rent-a-cop to live. - Hezaiciah 1:65”

~ The Illogibible on Rent-a-cops

“Oh shit! He not dead!”

~ Freaked out Chinese Rent-A-Cop on a guy who isn't dead because his aim was so bad he missed

Rent-A-Cops are the second most frowned-upon profession in history next to being a prostitute (they're basically the same thing). Rent-A-Cops are people who have no skills (except stripping and being totally pwned by ninjas, other villains, henchmen and characters created in dungeons and dragons). They hang around malls and carry baguettes and stern lectures instead of weapons. However, like ordinary cops, they enjoy donuts.

History[edit | edit source]

During the first recorded watermelon-tossing competition, Darth Vader (Negative) XVVXL was being bombarded by other contestants' melons. In order to avoid getting struck by melons, Darth hired Goliath to deter getting hit by raging fruit. A senior competitor, David threw a rock at Goliath. Goliath was killed by it and David was disqualified. Thus the idea of Rent-A-Cops was born.

200 B.C.E. - 999 C.E.[edit | edit source]

Every step you take, I'll be watching you

By 200 B.C.E., Rent-A-Cops were in more species than just giants or humans. The trade had spread to minotaurs, who -- due to labor laws at the time -- had to follow George Bush all day and pick up his droppings from the White House lawn. Rent-a-cops were also being used by villains, including -- but not limited to -- kings, queens, politicians, Samurai, and authors who needed someone for the hero to kill. By this time, a philosophy consistent of all Rent-a-cops (then called henchmen) was being practiced. The five pillars of the Rent-a-copping philosophy were responsible. They were written by a graduate of Harvard Unlawful named Barbie Doll Bang-bottom.

  1. Thou shalt suffer thy opponent victory
  2. Thou shalt be the first to die in combat, probably wearing a red shirt
  3. Thou shalt be a douche bag with a mustache
  4. Thou needeth be out of shape
  5. Thou shalt workith for minimum wageth

In the year 32 C.E., Rent-A-Cops failed to prevent Jesus from being crucified at the hands of the Roman Empire and the Catholic Church.

Middle Ages to 1499 C.E.[edit | edit source]

By the Middle Ages Rent-A-Copping had become the second largest employment opportunity in the history of the world. Henchmen and Rent-A-Cops were hired in all forms to guard dungeons that seemingly had no other use but for useless forms of employment, starting bar fights to distract the wizard in the party, to ensure the heroes would always have someone to kill and to always be the subjective bad guys even when they're probably only just some lackey trying to make a living. The biggest problem was that due to no medical insurance and dirty work environments, the Rent-A-Cops started the bubonic plague and died in massive numbers.

Sixteenth Century to Present[edit | edit source]

A lessening need for Rent-A-Cops had occurred, so most of them had emigrated to America and ate babies. However, by the 1800's Rent-A-Cops had a very sensual revival. They were slowly turning into male strippers to help satisfy their need for cash and desire of freedom to be naked while brandishing unloaded plastic water pistols.